The Wrong Kind of Love

I shake my head. I’ve tried to tell my brothers that now that Lilly is six, she’s too big to be carried around, but they don’t listen to me. She has them all wrapped around her little finger, so I’m pretty sure that if she wants piggyback rides when she’s fifteen, she’ll still get them.

Brayden grabs a plate from the far end of the bar and fills it for his niece.

Jake leans against the wall next to me. “Are you going to see her again?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug and try to act like I don’t know means I don’t care, but I’m sure he sees right through me. I can’t stop thinking about her, and if Jake knew how many times I’ve checked my phone since I rolled out of bed this morning, he’d give me no small amount of hell.

“You want to,” he says, his voice low for once. “Don’t be a chicken shit. If you want to see her again, make it happen.”

“Nana is taking a long flight tomorrow,” Lilly announces as Brayden settles her into a kitchen chair.

I exhale, relieved Lilly is providing an exit from the conversation about Nic. “She can’t stop talking about the plane,” I tell my mom.

Mom already has a plate of food and takes the seat next to Lilly. “She’s excited for her nana.”

“I don’t want you to leave.” Lilly wraps her arms around Mom’s arm and nuzzles her face into her sweater. “I love you so much, and I’ll miss you to the moon!”

Mom kisses my daughter’s head. “I’ll send you postcards every day, and I’ll buy you special trinkets and mail them to you.”

Lilly turns her head and flashes a victorious grin at me, and she looks so much like her mother in that moment that I feel like the floor is falling away beneath my feet.

See what you’re missing, Elena?

“Nana’s been waiting most of her life for the opportunity to travel to Europe,” I tell Lilly. I get a plate for myself and start filling it. “She’ll miss you, but this has been a dream of hers for a long time.”

“Bucket list,” Shay says with a grin.

“I know.” Lilly frowns and studies her food. Mom strokes her hair. We’ve had this conversation more times than I can count since Mom announced her trip last month.

By the time I get my food and make it to the table, Lilly has finished her cinnamon roll.

“All done,” she says. “May I be excused?”

I nod. “Clear your plate.”

“Why do I always have to clear my plate?” she whines.

“Because I want you to grow up to be a responsible adult who has a sense of—”

“Personal responsibility,” she says, mimicking the words she’s heard me say so many times.

“See?” I say as she slides her plate into the dishwasher. “You already know.”

Shay puts her coffee down. “Want to dance?” she asks Lilly.

“Shayleigh,” Mom says. “Eat something.”

My sister shakes her head. “Had a protein shake when I got here.”

“That hardly counts as food,” Mom mutters, but Shay and Lilly are already rushing to the basement. Brayden has a PlayStation down there, and a dance game that Shay and Lilly love playing together. I’m not sure who’s more competitive—my sister or my daughter.

The rest of us finish our meals, and Jake teases Mom about what he’s sure is her secret plan to find a handsome retiree while in Rome or Paris. When we’ve finished, everyone heads downstairs but Mom. It’s my turn for cleanup, so I stay behind in the kitchen. Mom stays with me, watching me like a hawk. I say a silent prayer that she’s not going to ask me about last night. I’m a grown man, but I’m no more interested in talking to my mom about hookups than I was as a teenager.

“Don’t forget, the nanny starts tonight.”

Oh, my other least favorite subject. “I haven’t forgotten.” Even though I try to make my words kind, they come out hard and cold.

“I really wish you would have met her when she came to town.”

“I’ve already apologized for missing your meeting, but I can’t control when babies are born.”

Mom holds my gaze for a beat. We both know I’m dreading meeting the nanny—I was then and I am now. I can’t stomach the idea of someone stepping in where Elena should be, and I took the coward’s route and let Mom make the tough choices.

Mom sighs. “Regardless, when you meet her and see her with Lilly, I think you’ll agree Veronica is perfect.”

“No one is perfect, but I trust your judgment.” Mom and I have had this conversation. I know that a nanny is the best choice for Lilly while Mom travels, but I can’t shake this fear that my daughter’s going to get attached and struggle when it’s time to say goodbye. And with anyone who isn’t family, goodbye is inevitable.