Thousands (Dollar 4)

It wasn’t enough.

I could still feel every swell of her breasts and every hitch of her breath. I was too close to the warmth and wetness of her pussy.

Grabbing my waistband, I hoisted my pants up as I rolled off her, landing with my arm over my eyes, breathing tormentedly on my back.

She didn’t move.

She didn’t speak.

The bed rocked as she hesitantly sat up and faced me. “What—what happened?”

You happened.

You and your perfect trust happened.

I couldn’t have her here any longer. The need to discipline and my rage were gone.

I’m done.

I sat up in one quick jack knife then leapt off the bed. “Go to your room, Pimlico.”

She scooted her legs up, sitting on her knees—so similar to the time when I’d first demanded a night with her and spent most of it prying into her brain. Her hands wedged like a bowling ball against her stomach. “Just like that?”

I looked at the ceiling and not her. “Just like that.”

“But why?”

“Because I can’t have you near me right now.”

Her gaze flew to the wardrobe where I kept my cello. “Are you going to play?”

The thought of frets and bows did nothing to quiet the chaos in my head. Raking fingernails over my scalp, I shook my head. “No.”

What would I have to do to tame the rioting need in my blood? How would I exterminate the acidic guilt in my veins?

“You could play me.” Her soft voice wavered as if her offer wasn’t given entirely willingly. As if her trust made her say it and not her lust. Pain and confusion once again lived in her gaze.

I’d done that.

I’d taken her trust and twisted it into doubt.

I whirled on her, pointing at the door. “Get out.”

“But—”

“But nothing. Get out. Now.” I couldn’t look at her without snapping. I couldn’t touch her without breaking. I needed her so goddamn much, but I couldn’t have her. She trusted me to keep her safe. This was me honouring that trust even while she begged me to break it.

She was the worst kind of creature.

Never trust me, Pim.

I don’t trust me.

My family doesn’t trust me.

Never fucking trust me.

Slowly, she climbed off the bed and came toward me.

I turned around, keeping my back to her, doing my best to keep up the barricade and icy request for her to leave.

She sighed softly. “I don’t want to go. And I think you don’t want me to go, either.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want.”

“It matters, El.” Her touch landed on my shoulder blade making me shudder with supernovaing desire. My gut twisted into knots as I shrugged her off. “Everything matters.”

The aggression in my spine turned to barbwire as her palm returned, heating my muscles, delivering love even while I was cruel.

Please, Pim…leave.

Pressing her forehead against my back, she murmured, “I want to tell you something.” Her voice remained low like a lullaby as if she could somehow convince me to return to bed and prove she was right to give me her trust.

I didn’t buy her convincing.

I didn’t relax even though it killed me not to turn around and take her in my arms. I wanted to apologise and explain, but I couldn’t, because how could I tell her that earning her trust was the one thing I never wanted to hold? That I needed her to treat me with suspicion. I wanted her constantly aware of me, so I never let down my guard.

I could fall in love with her, but I could never trust her because I could never trust myself.

Before I could command again for her to leave, she whispered into my taut rigidity, “I have a theory.”

My ears pricked despite myself. “A theory?”

Her lips landed on my spine, twin warm cushions slightly damp and trembling. She spoke into my back. “It’s only a theory, and like all theories, it needs to be tested. But…I want to test it.”

Kissing her way around my ribcage to the slightly ticklish sides, she moved around to my front where my dragon hissed. I stood frozen to the carpet as her eyes entreated mine. “I need you as much as you need me. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay. And I want to kiss you and touch you and lie down with you on top of me. I want to have sex with you. I think you want that too, and my theory is that if you let go—”

Her touch had pulled me under her spell only for it to shatter the second she said ‘let go.’

I rose to my full height, taking a step back and breaking her hold on me. “You expect me to let go?” I chuckled with disbelief. “Just like that. I’ll snap my fingers and…let go.”

“Yes.” She nodded. “Let whatever desires inside your mind loose. Don’t try to fight them. Don’t try to control them. Just…be with me. Give me everything.”