Ream kicked the chair and it flipped over on its side. “Of course I fuckin’ know. Didn’t you hear me? And I know that you can be okay too, that it may not get worse.”
“So you’re okay with that part.”
“Jesus. You think everyone is going to leave you if you get worse, don’t you? Is that what bullshit is wreaking havoc with your head, Kat? Is that why you refuse to tell anyone? Are you scared they will fuck off on you? Not want to help you? Care for you?”
I did think that. I’d be a burden and I never wanted that. I was fighting it with everything I had.
“Are you fighting us because you don’t trust me or because you are afraid you’ll ruin my life? Because that’s what it’s looking like here, Kat.” He grabbed me by both shoulders. “Christ. You give me far more than I could ever give you. If you only knew … Babe, you’re ruining me by not being with me.”
I swallowed back the tears. I wouldn’t cry. I never cried. I tried to turn away and run back inside, but Ream refused to let me.
“No.” He tugged me back. “You’ve pushed me away enough. This time you don’t get to do it. You’re the one fuckin’ running, Kat, not me, and you have to stop.”
“I’m not running. I’m trying to get away from your assholishness.”
He sighed. “You’re running.”
I felt the burning in my eyes and knew if I didn’t escape, I’d be a mess of tears. I yanked against his hold. But he pulled me in closer until I was snug against his chest, my face on his shoulder as he stroked my hair.
“Baby, stop pushing me away and let me in.”
I wanted to. God, I wanted to give him all of myself. Everything he said was true and I was running because I was afraid to hear it.
“Jesus, Kat,” Ream murmured as he hugged me to him, his whispered words vibrating against the top of my head. “It won’t take control of you. Let yourself grieve. Be scared. Stop running from yourself. Let others care about you.”
I slowly stopped fighting him—it was a pointless battle anyway—and sagged against him. My hands curled into his chest as he held me to him, his mouth resting on my head, arms around me.
There was a lock around my emotions and I didn’t have the key, or if I did somewhere, it was too damaged to fit anymore. The reality was … I was terrified of what was in store for my future and I didn’t want anyone to know. If I let that in, I may never be able to get back to being strong again.
He sighed and slowly withdrew then leaned down and kissed me. Then he let me go and went and picked up the plates. “Get changed. We’re going racing. And this time I’m winning.”
***
When he said racing I hadn’t expected go-karts. I thought he had packed a gaming console so he could get a rematch. This was so much better. The seriousness was gone and I was thankful that Ream let the conversation go and he was back to being playful, which I liked big-time.
I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing when he folded his six foot two frame into the tiny little cart with the red racing stripes. Then I did laugh when he had trouble fitting his other leg into the small space.
“You won’t be laughing when I beat your pretty ass.” He raised his brows. “Care for a wager?”
I could never resist a bet, and I’d been go-karting numerous times. My parents used to take Matt and me when we were little, and I’d sit in front of my dad until I was old enough to drive one by myself. I considered myself a natural so I had no doubt I could kick his ass. “Sure. How about I win, we go home.” And then his little no sex rule would be over. Although I had to admit, I enjoyed being here with Ream even though it was sexually frustrating.
He laughed, his head thrown back, eyes sparkling. God, he looked hot when he laughed. I wondered why he rarely did it. It was like he was afraid to let himself enjoy, but right now he was so relaxed … Yeah, it was beautiful. He was beautiful. I saw it even more now than ever after what he’d said at breakfast.
His face went dead serious and I noticed that blanket of darkness shield over his expression, contradicting his next words. “How about a blow job? It’s not sex.”
I laughed. “You’re such a pig.” Although, the thought of going down on Ream was really tempting. I’d never had the chance to finish before he’d stopped me the first time.
“Anal?” I knew his words were meant to be teasing, but there was still the hint of … discomfort.
“Bah,” I barked out, trying to lighten whatever was bothering him, and Ream’s grin was back.
“Fine, I’ll take a kiss. Anywhere. Anytime for the rest of the day. No pushing me away.”
I thought about it. I wanted him to kiss me and knowing Ream, he’d take it regardless of whether or not I agreed to the bet, so I was better off to say yes and set the terms.
“Okay. And I get my phone back.” At least then I could call Emily and get some girl feedback.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want you all to myself. I’ll give you one call.”
Oh. Well, I wasn’t expecting that answer. I shrugged. “Then one kiss.”
Ream’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Fine. You get your phone for the night if you win. If I do, I get as many kisses as I want with no complaint.”
It was a stupid bet on his part. Because he could kiss me anytime he wanted anyway. Okay, I guess the no complaining thing was something because I would complain and not because I didn’t want his kiss, but because I wanted more.