I took the pills in my nightstand, the valium to help settle my nerves. Some people took marijuana to help calm the symptoms, but the few times I tried it my heart started racing like mad and I didn’t like it. The small amount of valium was enough to calm the tingles and relax the nerves that were short-circuiting.
After a week Logan asked if I knew where Ream was. I asked him if he’d checked Molly’s. It was a sassy remark and Logan wasn’t impressed, although he let it slide. I think he got what I was going through because he ended up pulling me into his arms and hugging me.
I was hurting and knew I would for a really long time. The only reason I even stuck around and didn’t move to Matt’s condo to get away from everyone was because of Clifford. He was the only one I could talk to and often at night I’d slip out of bed and go into his stall and sit and cry where no one would hear me. There was no judgment. Clifford just nudged me with his nose or stood and quietly munched on his hay.
It was three weeks and still no one had heard from Ream, and even I was getting concerned. I hated him for what he did, but love didn’t die in a moment’s reckoning. Love was too powerful to just vanish.
I heard the creak of the barn door and then the soft footfalls on the cobblestone coming toward me. I didn’t have to look up to know it was Emily.
“Kat, it’s been three weeks.” Emily put her hand on Clifford’s shoulder and he curled his neck around so he could nibble on her shirt. “No one’s heard from him. Please. If you have any idea where he might be …”
I continued to brush Clifford’s barrel then moved to his red dappled rump. Emily yelped and I knew Clifford had nipped her. My horse stomped his foot when she shoved his muzzle away.
“I wouldn’t ask you if it wasn’t important, but … if he’s in trouble we need to help him. He’s an asshole. A low piece of shit for what he did, but he left here all fucked up and … Kat, we’re worried.”
Worried about him? I was going crazy without him. Insane. Hurt. I wanted to find him so I could hit him again. I wanted to find him so I could look at him and know without a shadow of a doubt that I hated him. That I did the right thing. Every single day it hurt to open my eyes and face another day without him. Knowing what he did to destroy us … for what? An unemotional fuck?
“I gave him everything of me. He took it and I can’t get it back. Do you know what that’s like? Waking up every morning and being faced with hating the man you swore to love for the rest of your life.” I leaned my forehead on Clifford’s flank, and his sides quivered like a butterfly’s wings against my skin.
Emily rested her hand on my arm. “Yeah, Kat, I do.”
I looked up at her and saw the tears in her eyes. Yeah, she did. She knew exactly what I was feeling right now because she’d hated Logan at one time.
“What he did was wrong. I hate that he did that to you, Kat. Christ, I want him to come back just so I can beat on him. But Crisis is his best friend and he says he’s never taken off like this before. It’s been too long, Kat.”
“Why do you think I’d know where he is?” But I suspected. It wasn’t like I knew exactly where it was, but the cottage was the only place I could think of that he’d go.
“You do, don’t you?”
I hid my face in Clifford’s shoulder and nodded. “He was in me, Eme. Now … God, I feel … I feel so empty and alone. He made me weak, and I hate that he did that to me.”
“Oh, sweetie.” Emily folded me into her embrace, her hands stroking my back. “You’re never alone. And you’re the strongest woman I know. You lost your parents, then given this disease, living every single day never knowing what will happen to you … you’ve never complained. Never felt sorry for yourself. Kat, just because you’re hurting over what Ream did to you doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.”
I’d become his. I was his and yeah a part of me would always be his. But I wanted me back. He didn’t get to keep a part of me.
Footsteps entered the barn and I pulled away from Emily and put up my wall again.
Emily squeezed my arm then I heard her whisper, “Sorry, Georgie called him.”
Before I had the chance to reply, she escaped. When I turned around, I saw Deck striding toward me. Guess he was back. And he looked like shit.
The barn door shut behind Emily.
He stopped across from Clifford and leaned against the stall door, arms crossed and his stance … yeah, impenetrable. Shit. His eyes were weary and tired with black circles beneath. His clothes were wrinkled and his usual shaved head was no longer. He had at least a week’s growth of hair on his face, and he still appeared hot with his lean muscular body and tats peeking out from the sleeves of his shirt. He was all darkness, brows, eyes, and personality. I was used to his scariness, but today … Deck looked murderous.
“What’s up, Deck?” I tried to act like I always did and put my hands on my hips but that didn’t feel right under his direct gaze, so I turned away from him and picked up a curry and started to brush Clifford with it. “How’s Georgie? Carry her out of any bars recently?”
“Came straight here from the airport. And you know exactly why I had to come straight here, so cut the crap. I have more shit than I know how to deal with right now.”