Reasons Not To Fall In Love

“Yep. Thanks for a great night.” I winced as I said it. That line made me sound like a first class slut. In reality, I kind of was a little. I didn’t want a relationship with him, but I had just needed him last night. We both used each other to get what we wanted, so there was no harm in admitting that fact. We were both adults, after all.

“Yeah, it was fun,” he replied. “I’d better go and put my room back together,” he said, laughing.

I giggled and chewed on my lip. “Bye, Harrison.” I disconnected the call and smiled. That had gone smoother than I expected. Hopefully there wouldn’t be any awkwardness between us after this. I didn’t really see him from one year to the next, so he would probably have forgotten it by the time I came back here next anyway.

When I stopped on the step of Finn’s parents’ house, I could already hear the heated argument going on inside. I sighed and leant against the wall. So much for my break from the stroppy teenager! After taking a couple of deep breaths, I opened the door without bothering to knock. Finn’s parents’ house was like my second home because we came to visit often. As the door opened, I just caught the end of the speech that Nina, Finn’s mother was shouting.

“When she finds out, she’s not going to be happy at all. You know she’s going through enough without this on top! You should be thinking about her right now, Theo, not yourself!” Nina cried angrily.

“So just don’t tell her then and there’s no problem,” Theo countered just as angrily.

My stomach sank as I headed into the lounge and dropped my overnight bag down onto the floor. “Don’t tell me what?” I asked, looking at him accusingly.

Immediately Theo’s eyes widened before he shifted on his feet sheepishly. “Nothing. What you doing back here so early?” he asked, obviously trying to change the subject. I raised one eyebrow at him and waited for him to tell me what had happened. As much as my son could be a pain in the arse sometimes, we still had a great relationship. He didn’t lie to me, and I respected him for that. He knew he got into more trouble for lying than he did for actually doing the thing in the first place. He sighed dramatically and looked up at the ceiling. “I snuck out last night and had a few drinks at a party. I slept at Rochelle’s,” he stated.

I looked at Nina apologetically. “I’ll take it from here. Thanks, Nina.” She threw her hands up in exasperation and stormed out of the room. She didn’t seem able to handle his teenage years as well as I could. “Wanna sit?” I offered once we were alone, plopping down on the sofa and nodding to the place next to me.

Theo rolled his eyes. “No, but I’m guessing that wasn’t really a question but more of a request with a question mark on the end,” he replied sarcastically, plopping down next to me and folding his arms across his chest defensively.

I smiled because I could remember a time when I had that feistiness about me, but Finn had chased that off and left me too self-conscious to be like that any more. “Baby,” I started, but he held up one hand to cut me off.

“Not a baby,” he growled.

I sighed and rested my head back on the sofa. “You’ll always be my baby no matter how old you are.” I looked him over – his hair needed a proper cut, it was getting long at the front and he had to keep pushing it out of his eyes, apparently it was supposed to be like that though. I couldn’t keep up with teenage boy fashion, so I just kept my opinion to myself these days. “Have a good time at the party?” I asked.

He turned his head, his deep brown eyes meeting mine as he nodded.

“You and Rochelle still just friends?” I asked, hoping the answer was a yes. They were great friends and had grown up together, but I had a feeling he had a secret crush on her. I was hoping they wouldn’t get together for a few years though, because once they did it would probably get heavy quickly.

He nodded and sucked his teeth with his tongue. “I don’t need this lecture, I have a hangover,” he growled.

“Me too,” I admitted. He smiled at me then and I shifted so I could put my head on his shoulder. “Do me a favour. Apologise to your nan for sneaking out last night. She was probably worried about you,” I pleaded.

He frowned, but nodded. “Fine.”

“Fine,” I agreed. I sighed and looked up at him. “You all right though, other than that?”

His face softened slightly as he looked back at me. He obviously knew I was asking about me and his dad getting divorced. “Yeah, I’m good. You OK?”

I smiled and nodded. “I’m good too,” I confirmed honestly. He leant forward and kissed my forehead softly for a split second before pushing himself up off the sofa. I grinned at him wickedly. “I’m telling your friends you did that,” I teased.

He laughed and shook his head. “Go for it, they wouldn’t believe you anyway,” he stuck his tongue out at me before stalking out of the door, hopefully to find his nan and apologise.

June 2014

Two months passed quickly. Everything was working out great, actually. Theo and I were settling into a nice routine on our own in the flat. I had barely seen Finn – which was awesome in my book. Sure, life was hard on my own, being a single mum terrified me, but I was still glad that I finally took a stand and filed for divorce. I no longer had to put on the act that I was happy. I no longer had to try and pretend like I didn’t hate him. I no longer had to put up with feeling second best to every girl he could charm into bed. All in all, everything was perfect – except for one teeny, tiny little thing. I hadn’t had a period.

The unopened box seemed to be staring at me as I sat on the bathroom floor. No matter how many times I picked up the box, I just didn’t have the nerve to actually take out the little stick and pee on it. I was scared of what would happen if I did.

When I’d missed the first period, I’d convinced myself that it was because I was stressed, what with everything going on. I’d skipped periods before when I was stressed, so I wasn’t too worried about it. But this was now the second one missed. Still, I had tried to tell myself that everything was fine, that my boobs had gotten slightly bigger and more sensitive because I was eating the wrong foods. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t like the smell of grease any more because I’d been around it too much at work. I tried to pretend that I’d just gone off the taste of tea because it was a phase. But this morning, there was no denying the fact that I woke up and had barely made it to the bathroom before I emptied my stomach.

I hadn’t voiced my concerns to anyone. I’d gone to work as normal, worked my dawn cleaning job, then finished my lunchtime shift at the café, and on the way home I’d made a stop at the pharmacy to buy the little stick that was either going to stop me worrying, or send my life into a spiral of shit.

I heard door hinges creak a second before the door hit me square in the back. “Oh shit. Sorry, Mum,” Theo apologised. I looked up, seeing him squeeze through the gap and look at me worriedly. “What the hell? What’s happened?” he cried, dropping to his knees next to me.

I gulped, not having a clue what to say. I’d drummed into him time and time again about being careful with girls, about using protection and not getting himself into the same situation that I got myself into when I was a teenager. It appeared that I should have been listening to my own advice.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just…” I struggled to come up with something to answer that wasn’t the truth. My mind was totally blank apart from replaying my one night stand with Harrison over and over. I could still picture it perfectly – the caresses, the kisses and whispered words. The only thing I couldn’t bring to the front of my mind was whether he put on a condom or not. In my mind’s eye, I couldn’t see him doing it at all. Which meant that we’d probably had unprotected sex at least four times that night.

“Why are you sitting on the floor? Did you slip or something?” Theo questioned.

I shook my head, still clutching at the little box in my hand tightly. He frowned and looked down into my lap, his eyes latching onto the test.

He gasped and shook his head. “That’s not mine, I have no idea whose that is,” he stated quickly with wide eyes. “That is nothing to do with me, I swear to God, I haven’t even… it’s not mine!” he promised.

I wanted to laugh because he looked terrified, as if he thought I was going to rip into him at any second or something. “I know,” I whispered.

He gulped as understanding crossed his face. “Oh no. Please tell me you’re not pregnant,” he groaned, shaking his head.

I licked my lips and shrugged. “I haven’t taken it yet.”

He closed his eyes, and his jaw tightened angrily. “Well this is just freaking great. Tell me this happened before you divorced him; please tell me you two aren’t back together or something,” he ranted.

I frowned, a little confused by that statement. He thinks the baby is Finn’s? “We’re not together,” I confirmed, shaking my head fiercely. That would never happen in a million years; I would rather stick my hand into a bucket of acid than take him back again.

“Good because he’s not good enough for you. He’s a lying cocksucker, and if he’s got you pregnant then f**ked off with some whore I’m gonna kill him!” he spat angrily.

“Language, Theo!” I scolded, shocked by his outburst.

He scoffed. “Seriously, don’t start to lecture me right now. I’m sitting on the floor with my mother who is worried she’s pregnant by a guy she’s just divorced because he put it around to every girl in town!” he replied nastily.

I gulped and shook my head. “It’s nothing to do with Finn,” I said quickly, wanting to quash his anger. “Look, I haven’t even taken it yet. Why don’t I do that and then I’ll talk to you, OK?” I suggested, trying to sound braver than I felt. Theo scowled at me before pushing himself up and storming out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him, mumbling something about irresponsibility and bad example.

I took a couple of deep breaths and forced myself up and over to the toilet, then peed on the stick as instructed. I took my time washing my hands, then headed out to the lounge to see my only son sitting on the sofa, right on the edge of his seat, his hands in tight fists.

“Need to wait a couple of minutes,” I said, shrugging uncomfortably. This had to be the most awkward thing that had happened to me in my life. Sitting in the lounge with my thirteen year old son, waiting to find out if I was pregnant from a one night stand. Irresponsible and bad example didn’t quite cover this situation.

I couldn’t allow myself to think about what would happen if it said positive. I didn’t believe in abortion, and I knew I would never be able to give up the baby for adoption because that would kill me inside. But how on earth would we survive? I was the only one bringing in any money, and I could barely afford for the two of us to live as it was. Finn’s money for child support was the only thing that was keeping us on the right side of the debt line. Another mouth to feed would be impossible.

“So who’s the guy if it’s not my dad?” Theo asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence.

“You’ve met him a couple of times. It’s Uncle Brandon’s friend, Harrison,” I answered, wincing.

Theo frowned distastefully. “That cocky prick that always flirts with you when we go to birthday parties?”

I laughed humourlessly and nodded. That about sums up Harrison, yes. “That’s him.”

Theo scoffed again, scrunching his nose up. “How long have you been together and why didn’t you tell me that you were seeing someone?” His tone was accusing. He was clearly angry with me.

“We’re not together. Actually it was just once,” I admitted weakly.

He snorted at that comment. “Classy. Knocked up by a one night stand. That’s really nice, Mother,” he stated sarcastically.

My chin trembled as my eyes glazed over. Everyone was going to think the same thing – that I was some kind of dirty whore who put it about and got in trouble. In reality, I had only ever been with three guys in my entire life. The guy who I lost my virginity to, Finn, and Harrison. That wouldn’t matter though; people would still think I was some kind of slag who put it about. I was going to be the girl who, at thirty-one, had two kids by two different dads and who hadn’t managed to hold on to either of them.

I closed my eyes, and Theo sighed deeply. I heard movement and then the sofa dipped next to me. When I opened my eyes, I saw that he’d moved up next to me. His arm looped around my shoulders, pulling me against his side tightly as he smiled reassuringly. “Everything’s OK, Mum. You still have me, and we’ll get through it. I’ll help you,” he whispered. I nodded and sniffed. “Besides, it might not be positive yet,” he said, almost a little hopefully.

I gulped and looked at my watch, checking how much time had passed. “Let’s see,” I croaked, leaning forward and picking it up.

As my hand closed over the little plastic stick, I imagined the two possible outcomes.

Outcome one: negative. I got to smile and put this behind me, never to have another one night stand again. I got to drum into Theo how terrifying that was and how I never wanted to see him in that situation.

Outcome two: positive. I had to tell Harrison Baxter, player and all round ladies’ man, that he was going to be a father. I got to struggle to make ends meet. We would probably have to move in with my mum because I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. Everything would be almost impossible to handle. But on the upside, I would have another little baby, which I’d been longing for for years. It was kind of ironic that I’d been begging Finn for another baby for so long and it was always, ‘Next year, buttercup,’ but then the moment I divorce him there was the chance of a baby. I knew instantly that there was no way I would give up the child if I was pregnant. If Harrison didn’t want anything to do with it then I’d do it on my own.