Poles Apart

When he started clenching and unclenching his right hand again, I frowned. “Have you done something to your hand?”

He looked down at it and shrugged. “Nah, it’s all right. I, er, hurt it the other day. It just aches now. Nothing serious.”

“How did you hurt it?” I reached out, taking his hand and pulling it toward me as I turned it over, inspecting his knuckles and fingers for damage. His skin was blemish-free, though, so I traced my finger over his knuckles lightly, just marvelling over his warmth.

Carson sighed. “I punched a wall,” he replied. I gasped, flicking my eyes up to his. He smiled sheepishly. “Your fault really. I was mad. It was the day I found out about Sasha.”

Guilt settled over me, and I winced apologetically. Of course, he’d been mad. Who wouldn’t be? Dropping my eyes away from the intense blue of his, I resumed stroking his knuckles.

“Maybe you should get an x-ray?” I whispered, unsure what else to say.

“Nah, it’s all right, honestly. Don’t fret.” His hand twisted in my lap, capturing my hand and holding it tightly in his.

“I’m sorry I never told you,” I croaked. I meant it. I was sorry. “I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you’d be better off living your life without the burden of a daughter with someone like me. I didn’t think of all the stuff you’d be missing out on. I should have told you. I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and let my head hang in shame. Now was going to be my punishment. Trying to make a life with him, living like strangers in a house while he went off and had affair after affair, was going to be my punishment for keeping him in the dark.

His hand tightened on mine. “I know you are, and I know you were thinking of me. I can’t change the past now, so I think we just need to move on from it.”

I sniffed and nodded in agreement.

“Though I do have some stuff I’d really like to ask you. I have a lot of blanks to fill in about Sasha,” he said.

I looked up at him then and smiled weakly. “Like what?”

Carson reached out his spare hand and brushed away the tear that fell down my cheek. “Everything. About your pregnancy, your cravings, the birth, her first word, first step. Everything, I want to know absolutely everything. We could be here all night. I have a lot of questions.”

I nodded toward my glass with the remaining inch of champagne in the bottom. “Pour me another drink then if we’re in for the long haul,” I joked.

AS I STARTED TO WAKE, I realised I could hear both Carson’s and Sasha’s voices. Forcing my eyes open, I looked around, instantly confused when I didn’t see them standing over me. A flickering light on my bedside cabinet caught my eye and I glanced over to see the baby monitor sitting on the side, was flashing as he spoke. I smiled, realising he was in Sasha’s room. They were having some sort of conversation, though Sasha’s side was more gobbledygook than anything else.

A dull ache in my head registered as I sat up and stretched. Last night, Carson and I had stayed up talking and polishing off the rest of the large bottle of champagne until well after midnight. I was feeling a little delicate because of that. It had been fun, though, and Carson was right – he certainly did have a lot of questions.

I sat there for ages, just listening to them interact and laugh through the baby monitor. I hadn’t even heard her wake today, but clearly Carson had if he’d gotten in there before me. “You know what we should do today? We should spend some time together; you, Mummy and me. Maybe we should ask Mummy if she wants to go to the beach. Want to do that?” Carson asked Sasha.

“Beach!” Sasha chirped, clapping her hands, barely managing to say the word.

I smiled. Sasha had never been to the beach before. She probably had no idea what one even was, yet she was excited about it by the sound of it.

“Well, let’s leave Mummy sleeping for a little while longer. Mummy deserves a lie in, doesn’t she? She works hard, your mum,” Carson said. “And when she wakes up, we’ll ask her if she wants to go. I have today and tomorrow that I can spend with you before I have to go away. Personally, I think it’s great that you and Mummy aren’t going to school this week. Means I get to hang out with you both.”

“Hangs out! Beach!” Sasha practically screamed.

“Shh, you’re gonna wake Mummy.” Carson laughed. “Can you make me some more tea?”

Chuckling, I pushed myself out of bed and crept from the room. This I had to see for myself. As I peeked around the doorway, I spotted Carson sitting on the rug, cross-legged, wearing another pair of long-leg loungewear trousers and nothing else. In my eyes, he was perfection, made even more perfect by his surroundings.

Sasha’s favourite teddy bears were all sitting in a semi-circle on the rug, too. They all had a little pink plate in front of them. While Sasha walked around pretending to refill everyone’s cup, Carson raised the little pink plastic cup to his lips and faked a loud slurp.

“Eww, sugar! I need sugar!” he said with mock disgust, holding his cup out to her and pulling a funny face. Sasha chuckled and pretended to get something from her pocket and drop it in his cup. Carson grinned. “I would have preferred one from the sugar bowl instead of an old, pocket lint-covered sugar lump, but that’ll do nicely. Stir, please,” he instructed, holding his cup out to her again and laughing as she picked up a plastic spoon, swirling it in his cup.

My heart melted at the sight of them playing together. I never realised how much Sasha was missing out on. He’d known her less than a week, yet Carson was already a fantastic dad. It broke my heart that I’d denied them each other for almost two years.