Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

When we finally made our way back to the car, he winced. “Can I drive?” The hopefulness to his voice was unmistakable.

I raised one eyebrow and shook my head in answer, smirking at him. Maybe next time you’ll learn and just stay at home. He groaned, and I noticed with some measure of satisfaction that he fastened his seatbelt as soon as he was in his seat before gripping the door handle tightly again.

A small smile graced my lips as my foot pressed down onto the accelerator and the car lurched along the road. Dodging and overtaking cars that were in my way, I finally arrived at my destination. Ashton glanced at me quickly as I pulled into the parking lot of the cemetery. Understanding and sorrow crossed his face, and I tightened my hands around the steering wheel until my skin pinched and started to burn.

“Is there anything I can say or do to make you wait here for me?” I asked quietly. I didn’t want him here. I needed privacy for this.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. “I’m sorry, Anna, but I can’t.”

My heart sank. I took a shaky breath to try and calm myself and then nodded, grabbed the flowers from the backseat and walked off without waiting for him. I could hear him a few steps behind, but he didn’t try to catch up with me. As I walked the familiar path to Jack’s grave, I stopped to collect any dandelions that I saw on the way. Finally, I reached it.

JACKSON IAN ROBERTS

January 19, 1992 - March 12, 2008

Beloved son, brother, and friend

Taken from us too soon. We will miss you

Sleep tight.

I ran my fingers over the letters of his name before collecting the wilted flowers and sweeping the fallen leaves from his grave. I put the daisies on the grass and sprinkled the dandelions over the top of the marble headstone before sitting down.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Hey, Jack. I just wanted to come and say hi and to let you know that I miss you, even though you probably know that already.” I smiled weakly and ran my hand over the grass. “Not much new to tell you really…” I paused, trying to think of what had happened since I was here last. “I got my car fixed, so it’s not making that humming noise anymore. Oh, and I finally threw out my old sneakers, you know the yellow ones that you hated? Well they finally ripped and the sole came totally off, so that should make you happy,” I sighed deeply. “I got a new near guard because Agent Jenks quit last week. I told you he couldn’t handle it. He only lasted a month, the lightweight.” I chuckled wickedly. I’d known that guy wouldn’t last very long; I had seen it in his eyes.

“Er… I got a text from your mom asking me to come over for dinner sometime this week but, to be honest, I don’t think I’ll go. I hope you don’t mind, but I just can’t stand going to your house; it’s just too hard and I can’t do it anymore. I know you understand.” My teeth sank into my bottom lip as I tried not to let the sadness take over. I picked a few strands of grass to distract myself.

“Your brother’s doing well. From what I’ve heard he’s a real star on the football field, so maybe those games you two played as kids, paid off. Apparently, he’s a bit of a ladies’ man too; he’s getting himself quite the reputation for being a player.”

I looked up at the sky; it was a beautiful day, perfect, not a cloud in sight. “I got kicked out of school again,” I said quietly, a little embarrassed. “I know, I know, it’s the second one this school year and the semester only started like a month and a half ago. You’re probably up there laughing your ass off at me, but hey, whatever, right? Look to the future, that’s what you always used to say. But it’s so hard, Jack, so hard.” A tear finally escaped down my cheek. I fought hard to keep them at bay; I didn’t like to cry here, I didn’t like the thought of crying in front of him in case I made him sad.

I pinched the skin on the inside of my elbow to distract myself from the pain that was building up inside me. “So anyway, as of next week, I’m going to ASU.” That was the latest college my dad could bribe me into. “I’m really going to try there because this is the last time I can start over. If I can’t do it, then I’m just going to drop out and give up. I know we promised that we’d never give up on our dreams, but it’s just too hard for me to keep starting over and over.” I wiped my face and took a few deep breaths, pushing away the grief that was trying to pull me under. “I won’t be able to come here as much to see you because it’s a few hours away, but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking of you and missing you because I do that whether I’m here or not, and I know that you know that.” I smiled through my heartbreak. He had to know how much I missed him, I told him every day.

I sat in silence for a few minutes, listening to the birds singing in the tree nearby. “I guess I’d better go,” I conceded, standing up. I kissed my fingertips and traced his name one more time. “I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you, Jack, and I always will,” I vowed, wiping another tear that escaped. I needed to go before I broke down; I didn’t want him to see that. “Bye, baby.” I turned on my heel and walked away.

Ashton was leaning against a tree about ten feet away from Jack’s grave. He was close enough to have heard everything that I said, I was sure of it. His face was the mask of sympathy, but he didn’t say anything; he just walked alongside me silently.

When we got to the car, he opened the driver’s door for me. “Will you drive?” I asked quietly, holding out the keys to him.