Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

He hadn’t said a word since I’d started speaking. The silence hung in the air as I kept my gaze firmly on the ground. The swing set of the park came into view, so I headed over to it, plopping myself on the seat, knowing I needed to continue. I was only half done with my prepared speech.

Wordlessly, he stepped behind me, giving me a little push on the swing. I cleared my throat, grateful that he was behind me and unable to see me cringe as I set the rules. “As of next week, you’re officially my boyfriend, so I think we need to set some rules and stuff,” I stated, making the word boyfriend sound like a dirty word.

“Yeah, good idea,” he agreed quietly. His tone was a little hurt and defeated, but I didn’t know how to help that.

“Okay, well, hand holding is fine,” I started, “and I don’t mind if you put your arm around me or hug me. But I don’t want you touching me in a sexual way.”

“No sexual touching. Got it,” he confirmed, his voice coloured with amusement. I laughed nervously, leaning back as my swing propelled forward again. Silence hung in the air for a minute and then he spoke again, “Alright, if you’re done with your rules, there are a couple of things I need clarification on.” He walked around to the front of the swings, his lips pursed in thought.

Is there something I hadn’t thought of? “What’s that?”

“Kissing?” He raised his eyebrows in question.

My eyes widened. “I don’t-” I shook my head, not wanting that to happen again. Kissing was classed as sexual touching in my book; it was the start to something that really couldn’t happen again.

He sighed and raked a hand through his hair. “Anna, we’re gonna need to kiss in public occasionally. Couples kiss…”

I nodded in agreement. He was right there; if the boyfriend fa?ade was going to hold, I was going to have to kiss him a couple of times, at least in the first few days. “Okay, yeah I guess.”

“What about dating?” he asked.

Damn it, I didn’t think about that either! “Yeah, of course, that’s fine. We’ll say we have an open relationship, and then that way you can still see other girls,” I agreed, nodding. That way he could still live his life whilst stuck guarding mine.

He burst out laughing, shaking his head. “I didn’t mean me dating other girls!” he choked out, chuckling wickedly.

For some reason my stomach unclenched when he said that. Although it shouldn’t have, a small amount of jealousy had settled over me at the thought of him being with someone else. “What then?”

As my swing propelled towards him, he reached out, gripping my ankles and gently pulled me to a stop as he crouched down in front of me. I sucked in a breath through my teeth, knowing that I might have to rethink the rules we’d just made. Even that little action was sexy as hell, yet it wasn’t sexual at all. I had a feeling it was just his hands on my body that kept sending me over the edge.

“I meant us dating,” he clarified. “We’re supposed to be a couple; couples go out together, don’t they? Movies, dinner, dancing. Do you dance?”

“Yeah, I dance. Well, not really anymore, I mean, I don’t go anywhere to dance so…” I trailed off, looking at the floor. I used to like to dance, but that was the old Anna that was confident in her body, the happy-go-lucky girl that liked to giggle and smile up at the sunshine and eat picnics with her friends.

“So maybe if we ever go out somewhere I might get to dance with you,” he suggested, raising one eyebrow in question. I bit my lip and nodded. I wasn’t anticipating going to parties, but I didn’t want to explain that to him right now. All I was interested in was trying to make it through college without being kicked out again. A boyish grin crept onto his face. “So, I can take you out on dates and dance with you at parties, as long as I don’t touch you sexually. But I can hug you, and kiss you occasionally?” he checked, grinning, seeming like he was struggling not to laugh. “It sounds like we’re an old, married couple.”

I chuckled and nodded. “You’re old, I’m not,” I joked, raising my foot and putting it on his chest, pushing gently. Where he was crouched on the balls of his feet, I caught him off balance and he fell back onto his ass, laughing. I giggled wickedly as he stood up and dusted the grass and dirt from his behind, before taking the swing next to mine.

I smiled over at him, only just realising how much I’d missed just joking around with someone and laughing. For the last three years I’d barely interacted with anyone, choosing to make myself a recluse as I rejected my friends and family. It was nice just having someone to talk to for a change.

His smile slowly faded as his shoulders tightened, so I knew we weren’t done yet. “What now?” I prompted.

He sighed and looked down at his hands. “I have one last thing I want to talk to you about.” I waited for him to speak again, wondering what else I could have possibly forgotten. I thought I’d reasoned it all out before knocking on his door, apparently I was wrong. His eyes came up to meet mine again. “I hate your nightmares.”

I snorted. He knew nothing of my nightmares. “Join the club.”

He nodded, his eyes not leaving mine. “I have two options for you, both of them are okay with me so you can choose,” he continued. “One of them I’ve suggested already. I change my sleeping pattern and sleep while you’re awake. It’ll just be like me working nights,” he suggested.