Nothing Left to Lose (Guarded Hearts 1)

Please answer, Baby Girl!

Again, she rejected my call within a couple of rings. The third time it was turned off. Growling in frustration, I shoved my cell phone back into my pocket. My hurt was now turning into anger. She knew that I loved her; she knew that it would probably kill me being away from her and not knowing if she was safe or not, she would know that she was hurting me by doing this, but it was like she didn’t care. She’d spitefully told me that she didn’t love me, when we both knew that it wasn’t true. The only thing I couldn’t work out was why she was doing this.

When the speaker announced that my plane was ready to board, I called Dean. “Hey, what’s going on? Did you talk to her? Has she changed her mind?” I asked as soon as he answered.

He sighed. “No, Ashton. I’m sorry, she doesn’t want you here. I don’t think she’s going to change her mind today. She asked me to ask you to stop calling her,” he said quietly.

I gripped my hand into my hair roughly. “Okay, thanks for trying. I’ll give her a day to cool off and then maybe she’ll talk to me. Watch her for me, don’t let anything happen to her,” I begged, trying not to imagine all the horrible things that could happen to her while I wasn’t there to protect her.

“I will, Ashton. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine. Just give her some time to miss you, that’s all it’ll take,” he reassured me.

I nodded knowing that, for the moment at least, it was hopeless. “Thanks.”

When I disconnected the call, the two agents escorted me directly to my seat and even waited outside the door until it was closed and the plane had taxied out onto the runway. I closed my eyes, resting my head back against the seat as I prayed that Dean was right. I just needed to give her time to miss me; she would miss me, eventually. I’d just have to hope that the time apart from her wouldn’t kill me before she changed her mind.

~ Anna ~

I couldn’t look at him again; I couldn’t watch him leave, it was too painful. Each step away from him actually hurt more than the one before. Eventually, my weary legs carried me into the bedroom. I’d barely managed to get the door closed behind me before my heart shattered into a thousand pieces. My legs finally gave out and I slumped to the floor, crying silently.

I felt sick; my whole body was shaking as I sobbed and sobbed. I knew I’d done the right thing; this really was the only way to keep him safe. But I just couldn’t get the image of his pain out of my head. The way his face looked so sad, so rejected, I knew I’d never be able to erase that look from my memory. I’d never seen Ashton look scared before, and I never wanted to see that look there again for as long as I lived.

I heard my cruel lie repeating over and over in my head. “I care about you a lot, I really do, but it’s not love.” I kept picturing the exact moment that I broke his heart. How his eye twitched, his face dropped and his whole body seemed to slump when I said those words. All I had wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and hold him, explain to him that I loved him more than life itself, that I was doing this for his own good so he wouldn’t get hurt. But I hadn’t done any of those things; instead, I’d pretended Carter was standing there in front of me, remembering how much I hated him, just so I could convince Ashton that this was over. I needed him to believe me so that he’d be able to move on, be happy, and live his life.

I sobbed even harder when I thought about the fierce expression that crossed his face just before he kissed me, almost like he thought that one kiss would make everything better, or would change my mind. My lips still tingled from the intensity of it. Staying in control and not kissing him back was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do, but somehow I had managed to hold onto the memory of the dream that I had a few weeks ago. I pictured his broken face and his groan of pain, and that was the only thing that got me through what had just happened.

If I didn’t love him so much, I would never have been able to cope with what I’d just done. In time, he would get over me and be back to his old self, his friends would help him through it, he would have his dream job, and in a couple of weeks he’d be right as rain. I, on the other hand, would feel this pain forever – but this was nothing compared to living with the knowledge that Ashton had been hurt or killed.

A few minutes later, there was a knock at the door. I stiffened. I couldn’t let him see me like this. I wiped my face and took a deep breath. “What?” I huffed, trying to sound annoyed.

“Annabelle, can we talk?” Dean asked through the door. I pushed myself up and opened the door to see his sympathetic face. “Why did you do that if it’s upsetting you this much?” he asked, clearly confused as his eyes raked over my face.

I shrugged, trying to pretend that I wasn’t dying inside. “It needed to be done. I’m going to miss him, but I can’t give him what he wants. He’s in love with me, and I can’t love him back. It’s better if he’s away from me so he can move on,” I explained, lying through my teeth.

His eyes narrowed, clearly assessing me to see if there was some other hidden reason. “That’s why you sent him away?”

I nodded. “I can’t love him back; it wasn’t fair to keep leading him on. I asked for him to be transferred so he could get on with his life instead of staying here with an emotionless wreck,” I lied, swallowing my grief. “He complicates things with his feelings, and I can’t be dealing with any more complications now.”