Fighting to Be Free (Fighting to Be Free 1)

I groaned and put my head in my hands, “Stacey, I don’t want to go out on a date, I just broke up with Mark!” I cried, closing my eyes, “Oh come on, it’s a bit of fun, take your mind off of Mark for a bit. You said he was incredible in the sack,” she said waggling her eyebrows at me. Ok well there was no way I could deny that, he was awesome. “You’re going! You’re meeting him outside Alexandra’s at eight for dinner.” Stacey loved to play matchmaker, it was her ultimate passion, to set people up and find them love.

I groaned again, I guess I had to go, I needed my phone. “Fine, whatever,” I snapped, rolling my eyes and continued to stuff my face.

………………………

Stacey made me buy myself a new outfit for the ‘date’, and I was currently sitting in front of her mirror while she did my hair for me, adding some curls and pulling half of it up loosely. I had on a pair of black leggings and a white gypsy top, with a black belt and black shoes.

“You look so hot,” she said, looking me over, “I’d definitely shag you.” She nodded and pursed her lips, making me laugh.

“You’re not my type babe, sorry,” I eased, playing along.

She clicked her tongue, “Damn it!” she joked, grinning at me. “It’s seven thirty, you should go,” she stated, ushering me to the door. “I’ll leave my window unlocked for you to come back to mine. Text me if you’re staying out again, and be safe.”

I rolled my eyes and giggled, “I’m not having sex with him again, Stacey.”

“Just text me if you do, I don’t want to be sitting up waiting for you,” she said firmly. I laughed, she wouldn’t be sitting up waiting for me anyway, her ‘on again, off again’ boyfriend Paul, was coming over tonight. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be thinking of other things that didn’t involve me.

“Ok, see ya.” I grabbed my purse and car keys off of the side, heading to my car. I was actually strangely excited about seeing him again.

~ Jamie ~

I watched her skip off up the garden path in my t-shirt, heading down the side of her friend’s house so she could climb through the window. Crap, maybe I should have gone and helped her or something, what if she can’t get in? I threw the car into reverse and moved back until I was level with the side of the house and was just in time to see her climb through safely. There was some kind of rock or something under the window, either Ellie or her friend had obviously used this entry method before.

I can’t believe I met this incredible girl and she’s not interested. But then again, why the hell would she be interested in me? I’m a loser, I took her to my crappy bedsit and then drove her home in my crappy pickup. Wow, yeah she was really out of my league. What on earth was I thinking, giving her my number? She’ll never call me. In a few years’ time she’ll be married to a rich guy and have everything she ever wanted, and I’ll be distant memory, the poor little waster she bedded once. Oh God, I wanted to be more than that though. I’d never wanted anything more in my life, I wanted to be good enough for her, I wanted her to want me.

I sighed and pulled out, I stopped at the corner store and bought a bunch of daisies and headed to the cemetery. I’d been putting this off all week, but I couldn‘t put it off any longer. I hadn’t been to Sophie’s grave before, I went to her funeral, I was allowed a day release and was escorted there by a police officer. I pulled into the little lot and went into the church yard, looking around helplessly.

Wow, I don’t even know where her grave was, what a pathetic excuse for a brother!

I spotted a grounds keeper, raking the dead leaves from the front of the church, so I cleared my throat. “Excuse me, do you happen to know how I can find out where someone is buried?” I asked. I noticed my voice was a little shaky, I hoped he didn‘t notice. I didn’t like to show emotions.

Emotions were a weakness, something that gave people power over you and I never wanted anyone to have power over me again.

He looked up, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Sure, we have plot numbers and records, let’s go and have a look.” He smiled kindly as he nodded over to the church.

“Thanks, that’d be great.”

I followed him into the church into the back little office. “What’s the name you’re looking for?” he asked, heading over to a file cabinet.

“Sophie Cole,” I said quietly, even saying her name hurt and made me feel so much guilt that my hands were shaking. He rifled through the cabinet and came out with a list a of about a thousand names and ran his finger down it.

“Right, here we are. She’s buried in section C, grave number 258. Want me to show you?” he offered, smiling a little sadly.

“Um…. yeah that’d be great, thanks.” I smiled gratefully. I didn’t want to be wandering around looking for her, I needed to get there and finally pay my respects.

We didn’t speak as I followed him out to the other side of the cemetery, he stopped in front of a little grey headstone. “Here you are. If you need anything, I’ll be around the front,” he said, nodding the way we just came from.

“Yeah thanks,” I mumbled quietly. I waited until he walked off before looking back at the little marble headstone. I placed the flowers down, and didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t here anyway, this wasn’t where her soul was. She knew I was thinking about her and that I was sorry, I thought it often enough but I just needed to come.