He laughed, well aware it was a bitter sound. “Why would she be protective of me? She knows damn well I can look after myself.”
“She doesn’t see it that way. She thinks you could use a good woman. Does Lara Armstrong fit the bill?”
He looked out over the balcony. In the distance, he could see the Mall and all the tourists milling about. Families. Couples. They were out enjoying the day. He never did that shit. Once or twice he’d gone places with Dax and his family. He could remember a couple of sweet summer days between his sophomore and junior years when he’d been invited to accompany Dax, his parents, and flirty sister, Augustine, to San Francisco. Connor remembered that trip so vividly. It was one of the times in his life he’d been able to forget that his father hadn’t bothered to stick around for his birth and his mother had quickly found the bottom of a bottle and barely ever climbed out of it. She’d been a functional alcoholic and skank.
His time with Lara had made him feel like he could have something normal, something wonderful. Even if it was part-time, he might be able to have a family. He’d never thought he would have kids, but Lara would be a wonderful mother. Maybe children would ground her and keep her out of trouble, but the truth was getting Lara pregnant would tie her to him. She couldn’t turn him away if they had a child together. She would always be in his life.
“She’s a good woman.” Who might be lying to him.
Gabe stared at him for a moment. “You’re into this woman. Holy shit. You love her.”
The word kind of made his stomach turn. “Don’t be ridiculous. She’s attractive and smart and I find her interesting.”
“Yes, that’s what I said. You freaking love her.”
He turned and faced Gabe. “That is not what I meant.”
“In Connor speak, attractive and interesting is the same thing as love. Most of the women you’ve slept with you described as brutal or vicious. When you kind of liked one, you would say she was tolerable. This is hearts-and-roses time for Connor Sparks.” Gabe had the dippiest damn grin on his face. “You love her. You want to marry her. Hey, do you want to double wedding this shit?”
He shot Gabe the finger. “You suck, Bond.”
Gabe leaned against the balcony. “Yeah, probably, but after all these years, you really can’t get rid of me. Can we talk about it now?”
Fuck. This was what he’d wanted to avoid. “There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Of course there is. We went through something traumatic and I had a very bad reaction to it. I cut you off when I should have sat down and talked to you. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’m older than I used to be. I needed time to process some things.”
Connor wasn’t stupid. Gabe hadn’t wanted to have anything to do with him after what happened in the Crawford building that night. “Like I said. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You aren’t an analyst, Connor.”
That ship of lies had sailed a long time ago. “No, I’m an operative.”
“What happened that night?”
“You made a choice that left me scrambling, and I had to figure out a way to save your ass.” His heart still raced when he thought about that night. He’d known what he should have done—allowed the Russians to take Everly and then followed them, finding where they were staying and gathering as much intel as he could.
He’d known the minute Gabe went after Everly that he wouldn’t do what the Agency would consider to be the right thing. He would do whatever it took to protect his friends. Gabe loved Everly. He would be a hollow man if anything had happened to her. He couldn’t let that happen no matter what the consequences were.
“Is that night why you’ve been suspended?”
He was sure he had Roman to thank for that. His employment was supposed to be top secret but Roman chatted about it around the dinner table. “Yes. I’m not supposed to operate on American soil. I killed several members of the Bratva that night and I had to call in a group that helps clean up messes.”
Golchenko alone would have been a goldmine of information, but he’d threatened Everly and Gabe, and someone from his organization had shot Dax, and that was unacceptable. Golchenko could have led them to higher-ups in the Krylov syndicate, a network of Russian mobsters the Agency believed was responsible for arming many of the jihadists in the Middle East. Getting intelligence on that group was one of their prime concerns, and Connor had very calmly killed everyone who could have helped them because in this case, doing the Agency’s bidding meant losing his friends.
“I was upset that night, Connor. I nearly watched the woman I love be murdered.”
He’d seen the look in Gabe’s eyes. He knew Gabe had thought he was a vicious animal in that moment. “I know you were upset. What do you want me to say, Gabe? I’m sorry you had to see that part of me. I try to keep it away from you guys. I understand if I’m not welcome at the next family picnic. Hell, it’s kind of a relief. I’m not that guy anyway.”
Gabe shook his head and sighed. “Will you shut the fuck up and listen for once, man?”
“Sure. I don’t have anything better to do.” The last thing he wanted was to hear all the reasons Gabe didn’t want to be around him anymore, but it seemed like he couldn’t avoid it. This was exactly why he needed to put distance between him and Lara and fucking everyone in his life. He wasn’t the kind of man who got to have a family. Hell, he was the kind of man who made his fortune blackmailing his own biological father.
Yeah, he didn’t want Gabe to know that, either.
Gabe stood right in front of him, putting his hands on his shoulders as if he needed to let Connor know how what he was about to say was important. “You’re an idiot. I can say that because you’re my brother. I’m an idiot, too. I’m a complete moron because it took me so much time to figure out what really happened that night, what’s been happening with you for most of our adult lives.”
Killing people who needed killing. Living in the world’s underbelly. Doing the country’s dirty work. It was a hell of a life. “And what’s that, Gabe?”
“Protecting us. Sacrificing for us. What I want to say to you is this: Thank you, brother. Thank you for saving me and Everly and Dax that night. Thank you for doing all the things you do to protect everyone in this country. They might not know what a sacrifice you make, but I understand and I’m so damn proud to know you.”
Connor went still because he felt something weird happen to his face. He flushed and just for the tiniest of moments he felt his eyes tear up, as if he was about to fucking cry like a girl. “You’re an asshole, Bond.”
Gabe grinned like he knew what had happened. “Sorry about that. Some things have to be said. So stop ducking my damn calls, man. And if you don’t tell me the next time you’re in New York, I’ll beat you up myself. I’m not going to let you brood in your bat cave.”
Connor had seen operatives who went truly dark, who believed only in their jobs and struggled to function if they weren’t on a mission. He
would never be that man because his friends wouldn’t let him. If he tried to hide, Zack would set the National Guard on him. Roman would hound him. And Gabe and Dax would hunt him down with a bottle of Scotch in hand.
And Mad would have hauled him off to some crazy strip club to show him life wasn’t all darkness. He could hear Mad’s gravelly voice. It’s boobs and body glitter, too, brother.
Those stupid tears threatened again. “Fuck, I miss Mad sometimes.”
Gabe put a hand on his back as they stared out over the city. “I’ll miss him every day for the rest of my life. He was my closest friend in the world.”
Even in their group, they’d had duos. Roman and Zack. He and Dax. Gabe and Mad. “I know.”
“He would have thrown me a hell of a bachelor party.”
“I don’t even want to think about it. Mad would have made The Hangover look like a kiddie film.”