I remember being petrified. I remember it very well. And I was also just a little innocent girl. “Details?” I repeat, coldly. “Do you think I’m going to tell my seven-year-old sister I was starved and raped, Mom? Do you think I’m going to tell her how I was kept locked in an old dirty room for half my life?”
Her hand goes to her neck, fingering the gold cross necklace she wears every day. “Keep your voice down, please,” she says, but there’s a manic edge to her voice. “Everyone is right downstairs. They don’t need to hear such awful things.”
“I would never tell her those things. But she is my little sister, and she is curious. Eventually, she’s going to ask questions. What am I supposed to say? I wasn’t on vacation.” I swallow hard over the anger that’s slowly building up in me. “You told her I was dead. Do you want her thinking dead people come back to life? That’s just as scary as what really did happen to me.”
She looks away, still fingering her cross necklace. Maybe she’s praying for this topic to end. “Honestly, I don’t know what to tell her,” she says, her voice harsh. “I have no idea how to explain this to a child. Nobody should ever have to have such conversations.”
I take a moment and stare at the woman who gave birth to me twenty years ago today. Her jaw is tight, and she holds her body rigid, almost defensively. From me? My words? What? I wish I understood her. I wish she’d talk to me like a real person and not like I’m some kind of stranger who just happens to stay in her home occasionally.
“She should have been at the family therapy sessions,” I say as calmly as I can. “That’s what those were for, to help us become a family again. Because it wasn’t just me that needed therapy, Mom, it was all of us. Just because Lizzie came into your life after I was gone, doesn’t mean I’m not part of her family.”
“You’re right.” She walks to her dresser and randomly opens and closes drawers, not taking anything out. “It’s just a very difficult situation, and it was all very unexpected, devastating, and confusing for everyone.”
“Because you never expected me to come back. I feel like I…” I grapple for the right words, sensing my mother is becoming more and more uncomfortable. “I feel like me coming back was a disruption, especially for you. Like I ruined your perfect life. I feel like I ruined it by being taken, and then I ruined it again coming back.”
Her mouth falls open, and I feel bad for making her feel cornered. I really do. But I don’t know how to live in this awkward space. I want to get out of it.
“That is not true.” She licks her lips nervously. “And I’m very hurt you would even think that.”
I take a deep breath, arming myself emotionally for what I’m going to ask her. “Did you know where Poppy’s been for the past year? Because I know he’s with Tyler Grace.” Her face lights with surprise and then annoyance at the mention of his name. She fingers a blouse on the bed. “I found him, Mom. Entirely by accident and coincidence, but I found him. Or should I say them, since you knew I was looking for both of them.”
She doesn’t say a word. She just stares at me, this stranger who is my mother. I held hard to the memories I had of her while I was gone, not wanting to ever forget her. I could remember her hugging me, singing to me, rocking me to sleep when I was sick, and setting me on the stool in the kitchen so I could stir cookie batter. I was a mommy’s girl, and I loved every moment with her. When did she become so mean and uncaring? Did my disappearance do this? Or my reappearance?
“You have no idea how much that dog meant to me and what I had to do to keep him safe…” Tears slide down my cheeks, the memories assaulting me, but she either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. “I can’t believe you kept him from me.”
“And that is exactly why, Holly. He’s a reminder of what you went through, and you need to put all that ugliness behind you.” Her voice starts to waver with emotion beneath the anger. “That evil man gave you that dog to manipulate you. The dog was a pawn, not a pet. Do you not see that?”
“I don’t care why he was given to me,” I protest. “All I care about is I love him and he’s the only friend or family I had. Did you know Tyler has had him the whole time? Did you lie to me about Poppy living with a family? Just to shut me up?”