Tied (All Torn Up 2)

I cross my bedroom and pick up the letter that came last week. I hold it and read it again, for the tenth time perhaps. I almost threw the envelope out when it came, thinking it was some sort of junk mail, but at the last minute I tore it open. My mouth dropped open when I realized it was from a publisher who wants me to write my story so they can publish it. Zac, Anna, and I had a conference call with them a few days ago, and they assured me it could be written by me, with the help of an editor, and they promised not to change my story or words in any way. They even offered me an advance for a surprising amount of money. All I have to do is sign the contract.

Do I want to write my story for the world to read? I’m not sure. I’m trying to get away from everyone knowing who I am and what happened to me. Publishing a book about it puts me right back in that place I don’t want to be in. And if I’m in a relationship with Ty, it puts him in that place with me, because I can’t write my story without including him. What I really want to write is children’s fairy tales, like the ones that filled my days with hopes and dreams. That’s what the world needs to read, not stories about little girls getting kidnapped. Anna suggested I approach the publisher with that idea, and I just might, once I get my thoughts together about it.

Another choice to make, on top of all the others.

I pull one of my old books out of my backpack and thumb through the worn, dirty, faded pages. In these stories, there aren’t any hard choices. Everything somehow magically works out. I turn to the last page, where the couple is walking happily in the distance together, and I touch them with my finger. Maybe the happily ever after just doesn’t happen, after all.

30

Tyler

I inhale more smoke and turn the small ring over in my fingers. She’ll never see it or wear it. But I feel a strange sense of comfort knowing it exists. It took me weeks to make, melting down the coins from my jar and fabricating a band of thin, intertwining branches. The tiny carved copper birds’ nest, filled with three miniature blue gem eggs, took the longest. A tiny piece of forest that would have sat on her finger. A weirdly good engagement ring that will stay in my drawer for the rest of my life.

What am I doing?

She’s home packing right now, getting ready to move to a big city and start an actual new life. She has so many possibilities: she could be a model, write a book, go to college, make new friends. The sky she loves so much is truly the limit. I urged her to go and promised her everything would be okay, that nothing will change. Every word a sword through my heart and an utter lie.

I don’t want her to go. She’s my heart, my love, my best friend, my sensual angel with broken wings. We’ve only just started our journey, and I know we could go so far, all the way to forever…

But if I love her, I’m supposed to set her free. Isn’t that what we’re told? She’s choosing to go, and I can’t stand in her way. What can I possibly offer her? A life of hiding?

This, I tell myself, is the way it’s supposed to be. Because I’m a mess and she’s a mess, and together we’ll probably be an even bigger fucking mess because my life has been, and probably always will be, one disaster after another and I refuse to do that to her, or to us.

She’s leaving.

I know my role in this story: I’m supposed to let her go. She’s supposed to be the one that got away, the one I’ll dream about, fantasize about, and wonder about for the rest of my life. I’ve known that all along. I may be the hero, but I’m not the happily ever after.

I can’t let her be like the fox, afraid to go out and live, trapped with me in a little place of nothingness in the woods where time barely moves. She deserves so much more. She deserves to see the world that was taken from her and experience all the wonderful and beautiful things that life has to offer her. Being with me will only hold her back.

I’m going to let her go and watch her fly. I’ll watch her from afar. I’ll catch her if she falls. Every time. Any time. But I’ll step back into the shadows and let her be free to have endless choices without me and my issues holding her back.