She flinched. “I know you’re being deliberately cruel, but I see right through you.”
Everything inside went cold. “You see nothing.”
“I see everything.”
“You’re a child.”
“No.” She shook her head, hair spilling from her baseball cap. “I’m your friend.”
That fucking word.
It drew blood.
It was a knife digging deep in my chest.
Ever so slowly, I reached out to grab the two handrails. “Stop saying that.” With a painful hiss, I hauled myself up so I wasn’t so beneath her. So she wasn’t so above me. So we were on even ground.
Hope slipped off the tractor’s seat, kneeling on the dusty, dirty floor where the pedals waited for commands. Her fingers dug into the rubber matting as she locked eyes with me, ferocity and fight equal to mine. “I see your fear. I see your anger. I see how you want to run but don’t. I see you love but wish you didn’t. I see how deeply you feel, Jacob, all the while begging you were heartless.” Her hand came up; her fingertips kissed my cheek.
It physically hurt worse than any hug, touch, or smile.
“Don’t.” Everything inside me raged. I tore my face from her reach. “I’ve told you before. Don’t touch me.”
“And I say you need to be touched.”
“I don’t need anything.”
“Oh, really?” Her gaze dropped to my mouth. “You don’t need something? You don’t lie in bed at night wanting—”
“Never.”
Her eyes hooded. “Liar. I think you’re hungry…just like me.”
“I’m not like you.”
“I think we’re more alike than you’ll admit.”
I forced a laugh. “Why? Just because you want me, you think I want you in return?”
She sucked in a breath. For a second, she arched away, but then her body softened. “I know I’m pushing you. I know I’m driving you crazy. And I know I’m breaking all my promises, but Jacob…you’re right. I do want you. I want to help you.”
“That’s all you want? To help? Now who’s the liar?”
Her voice turned feathery and windswept. “Fine. I want you in other ways. I want—”
“Stop.” This had gone on long enough. “Get off my tractor.”
Get out of my goddamn life.
I gave orders to my fingers to unlock so I could drop to the ground, but they only squeezed tighter, hauled me higher, brought me closer.
“No.” Her eyes flashed.
“Yes,” I hissed.
“Not yet. We’re finally getting somewhere.”
“We’re going around in circles.”
“Only because you’re too afraid to admit you feel what I do.”
“I feel nothing.”
“You feel everything. You’re alive…you just wished you weren’t.”
“Shut up, Hope.”
“No. Not until you accept that you’re lying to yourself.”
“I’m lying?” I bared my teeth. “You’re the one lying. The one believing in lies. I don’t want your help. I don’t want you on my farm. I don’t want anything from you.” My breathing roughened as my lips tingled to smash on hers. To kiss her. To be normal and no longer be so goddamn afraid of finding something so precious only to be suicidal when it was lost. “I definitely don’t want you.”
“Once again, you’re lying.” Her chest rose and fell. “You’re thinking about it. You’ve wondered.”
“Never.”
“I have. I’ve wondered what it would be like to kiss you.”
Everything locked down. My cock swelled. Pain manifested in every cell. “Find something else to wonder about.”
“That’s impossible.”
“Why?”
“Because when it comes to you…I can’t think about anything else.”
“Hope…” Breathing was a struggle. Everything was a goddamn struggle. Her voice was a trap, her eyes a cage. I was caught, drawn against my will to feel, to want, to crave. “Don’t push me.”
I can’t do this.
Please, don’t make me do this.
“Jacob…” Her eyelashes painted spidery shadows on pretty cheeks. A piece of grass hitched a ride in the valley of her sun-tinted breasts.
I was losing.
Losing myself.
Losing to her.
I shuddered as she came closer, crawling to me. “You don’t have to be afraid of me.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“I think you are.”
“You should be afraid. Afraid of what I’ll do if you keep pushing me.”
She smiled sadly. “I am. I’m afraid for you.” Once again, she touched my cheek, branding me with venomous fingertips. “I know I shouldn’t. I promised myself I’d stop, but today has shown me just how incredible life is. This place. This afternoon. You. You live in paradise, Jacob, but your mind ensures you live in hell. Please…”
She didn’t continue, her cheeks pink and eyes imploring, full of desire and temptation.
I’d never had someone stand up to me this way.
Never had someone fight with me, killing me word by word.
She was my greatest nemesis.
She was my cruellest foe.
“Jacob…please just let me show you. Show you that you can have—”
I snatched her wrist, yanking her fingers from my face. “Have what? Love? Sex? What my parents had?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“You think I want those things with you?”
She flinched. “If you don’t, then at least I’ve pushed you into admitting you want them with someone.”
“Who are you?” My fingers tightened around her wrist.