How easy it was to wrap up my life.
How simple and straightforward to just walk away without any reluctance or dismay—the exact opposite of what it felt like to leave Cherry River.
I hated that.
I cursed that because it showed me—no matter how often I told myself I was over Jacob—I wasn’t. And it wasn’t just him I wasn’t over. I wasn’t over his mother or family or home or lifestyle. I was envious. Immensely envious such a wonderful place existed without me. And I was furious because Jacob turned his back on all of it.
Turned his back on me.
“I’ll miss you, Hope.” Michael abandoned his breakfast, coming to cocoon me at the sink.
“I’ll miss you, too.” I spun in his arms, rising on tiptoes to kiss him. “I’ll video call you when I’m there.”
“And every day you spend away from me.”
“Every day.” I smiled, all while my heart worried what sort of chaos I was about to head into. Jacob was a battlefield, and who knew if I’d stay scar free this time?
Then again, I had a giant scar from him already, gorged deep into my stupid heart.
Kissing me again, Michael murmured, “I love you, Hope. Perhaps, when you get back, we can go away together. A romantic holiday with lots of sex and cocktails and midnight strolls on the beach.”
“I’d like that.” Squeezing him tight, I wriggled out of his embrace and strode toward my suitcase. “I’ll be counting the days until I’m home.”
“Me too.”
We stared and smiled, and with a slightly shaky hand, I opened the door, walked through it, and closed it.
The click was as loud as cannon fire.
The symbolism of shutting myself off from Michael was all too real.
Because the thought of going on a romantic holiday with him was nice. He was nice. Our relationship was nice. Everything was nice.
But…I didn’t want nice.
I wanted rough and painful and hard work and sweat and tears and everything that made life beautiful and ugly.
I wanted those scars, those battles, those moments of utter calamity.
I wanted to get dirty and messy and sunburned.
I wanted to fight because fighting for what you wanted made it all the more sweeter when you won.
I want to live as violently and as vividly as possible.
As I hopped into the cab and rode to the airport, all I could think about was a fourteen-year-old boy I’d met at a movie premiere.
A boy who feared hugs.
A boy who’d grown into a man.
A man I’d never stop loving.
* * * * *
For two days, I searched.
The hotel was basic but clean. My room small and Balinese in its decoration with a lovely balcony overlooking a sunset-perfect beach, manicured gardens with palm trees, and graceful turquoise pools.
It was heaven on earth, but Jacob wasn’t here.
When I’d first arrived, I’d spent the evening patrolling the hotel grounds, ducking into restaurants, padding barefoot on warm sand as the moon highlighted boat sails and hotels along the coast, twinkling like diamonds.
The next day, I’d called Cassie and told her the hotel had no registration of a guest under the name Jacob Wild.
They’d never heard of him.
Our one clue had led to a dead end.
She’d apologised for sending me on a stupid chase, and told me to go back to Michael—to forget all about Jacob. But…as I stood on the balcony that second night and listened to the soft waves slap upon the sand, something inside me shook its head.
The same girl who’d befriended the stray dog that everyone else was afraid of poked up her head with curled fists and hot determination.
I hadn’t let that dog chase me off.
I hadn’t let Jacob chase me off until things happened that were too much to bear.
I’d flown halfway across the world to this tropical paradise, and Jacob was here.
I could feel it.
I would find him, even if it meant months of searching.
Months of nothing.
Months of turning my back on my carefully constructed life.
If I stayed here, I might lose everything. My job. My home. My boyfriend.
And the scary thing was…it was almost a relief more than a regret.
Calling Michael, while standing on that balcony, breathing in Bali air and my heart full of the past, I did my best to be present in our conversation. To laugh when he joked, to be sympathetic when he said he missed me, to be the girlfriend I’d been to him for the past year.
But I didn’t know if it was the physical distance that shut off my heart or the fact I’d been thrust on a path that would hopefully lead me back to Jacob, but I no longer felt tethered to him.
I was adrift.
I was acting.
I hung up feeling like the biggest liar in history.
* * * * *
For a week, I searched.
I grew used to the local currency and way of life and travelled farther afield, leaving behind the hotel district and travelling to areas said to be hotspots for people who liked to get away from tourist mania. Beaches where only the locals hung out. Restaurants that didn’t get flooded by guests at happy hour.