Darkness.
An old friend.
A new acquaintance.
The only family where I truly belonged.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Hope
* * * * * *
“JACOB.”
His eyes shot to where I stood on the threshold of his home.
I didn’t step into the living room. I didn’t take all the years between us for granted that I would be welcome.
Not after the last time we’d seen each other.
Not after twenty-nine hours of travelling and stress and chasing after him like I’d chased him my entire life.
I’d caught three planes, hired a car, and flown and driven more miles than I could count.
But where Jacob Wild was concerned, those years and distance meant nothing.
Our past meant nothing.
We were nothing.
I understood that now.
Every time he mellowed and allowed me to be his friend, I’d believed progress had been made. But really, only a temporary truce had been formed. Once we returned to our separate worlds, we became strangers once again.
And as a stranger, I had no right to worry about him.
No obligation to hurt over his hurt or cry over his pain.
There was no smashing his walls and being accepted. There was only chip, chip, chipping away, knowing full well whatever progress I made would be undone the moment we said goodbye.
And this?
It was our final goodbye.
“What are you doing here?” He wiped his face with both hands, coming toward me and the open doors. He looked haggard and weathered as if he hadn’t slept in weeks.
No sign of the boy I might have been able to save. Only a man I’d lost to his demons.
I hadn’t been to see Cassie yet.
I hadn’t told my father I’d flown halfway around the world.
I’d merely followed Jacob to the end.
“You left something behind. I wanted to return it to you.”
I hated how, even with all my promises and declarations to move on, my fragmented heart still tried to piece itself back together. To be whole enough to cure him all while being too injured to be repaired.
I’d been with him a single night.
I’d had more than any other woman would be allowed.
And for that, I was grateful.
I wasn’t grateful for the pain or the hole he’d left behind, but I was thankful he’d trusted me enough to be with me.
“I didn’t leave you behind, Hope. I had no choice but to come.” The monotone of his voice sent icicles through my blood. He sounded vacant and as empty as I felt.
“I didn’t mean me.” I flinched, enduring the pain.
The pain that Della had warned me about. The pain that was the price to share time and space with Jacob…but it was finally too hard to bear.
His forehead furrowed. He stepped from his home to face me on the deck. “What did I leave behind?”
Reaching into my bag, blinking with travel-gritty eyes and a brain fuzzy from lack of sleep, I pulled out his compass.
I expected him to stiffen. To wince. To show some emotion of leaving his precious belonging behind. He merely sighed as if I’d brought another death to his door and held out his hand. “Thanks.”
Tears caught in my throat as I placed the cool metal into his grip. “Have you lost your way so much you’re not even grateful to see your father’s compass?”
He didn’t make eye contact. Didn’t reply.
Eleven years of knowing him.
Multiple moments of kinship.
A few indescribable days of friendship.
A single night of togetherness.
And the awful knowledge that Jacob Wild would never love me.
I already knew that.
I’d lived with that knowledge for over a decade.
But I still wanted to sob in that moment.
“I’m sorry about your grandfather.”
He nodded, still staring at the ground. “Thanks.”
“I should’ve been braver and told you the moment I saw you.”
“Wouldn’t have changed anything.”
I bit back tears. “When…when is the funeral?”
He shrugged. “Not sure. Aunt Cassie is arranging it.”
“You’re not helping?”
He caught my eye. “I’m helping by staying away.”
“She’ll want you close, Jacob. Family should be close at times like this.”
He didn’t move. “She has Chip and Nina. And her brothers Liam and Adam.”
I should go.
I should walk away with my heartbreak tucked in my handbag and my tears hidden from view, but this was the last time I would ever see him.
And I had to know.
“I’ve loved you since I was a little girl. I would’ve waited forever for you to love me back.”
He placed his hands into his jeans pockets, the compass vanishing into the depths. “You were right.”
“About what?”
“Being together was a mistake. I should’ve stopped.”
I nodded on reflex, buffering against the hurt. “Did you feel anything for me that night? Anything at all?”
His face darkened. “I can’t answer that, Hope. I can’t give you what you want.”
“How can you be so sure when you haven’t even tried?”
For an eternal second, he just stared. Stared and stared and stared as if he could delete the truth before finding the courage to admit it. “I have. I have tried.”