Their lips met, and this time…Della kissed him back. Hot and wet and needy—the same way she always kissed when trying to deny the truth and buy into a fantasy.
The same way the woman from my dreams kissed me. The same way I kissed her: with naked desire that sprang from desperation for love as much as a lust-filled connection.
With wet lips, he kissed his way along her jaw, then whispered something in her ear.
Her back straightened, eyes widened, and indecision flickered over her face.
But only for a moment.
Just a single moment where I knew she thought of me before pushing me out of her life like I’d pushed her out of mine.
And then, she nodded. “Yes.”
Yes to what?
Yes to ripping out my heart?
Yes to tearing apart my love?
They vanished into the house, leaving me in pieces on the pavement.
That night, her bedroom light never turned on.
However, two shadows danced over David’s curtains until late into the evening.
Two shadows having sex.
Two shadows of two people where one who meant the world to me had taken my hopeful heart, tore it out with reality, and left it to bleed out alone on the street.
I’d stalked her for long enough.
I’d seen enough to understand I no longer stood a chance.
As their birthday night of fucking finished, and their bedroom light went out, I turned and walked away.
I was twenty-eight.
She was eighteen.
And it was over.
I sent a prayer for her eternal happiness—the only thing I could give her for her birthday—and walked away.
I didn’t go back.
CHAPTER TEN
DELLA
* * * * * *
2018
I SLEPT WITH him.
How could I?
How could I sleep with someone when my heart still belongs to another?
How can I be so cruel by leading David on when I might never be able to return his feelings?
I have no answers for you. I have no answers for me.
The blistering truth is, the night I slept with him, I sat in the shower once he was asleep and sobbed my damn eyes out.
The worst part?
I felt like I owed him when really, I wasn’t ready.
He was so sweet, taking me out for a birthday burger and fries. So understanding when he let me list each and every diner Ren had taken me to, including the last one when he’d agreed to let me get a tattoo—the same tattoo I can’t look at now without wincing with agonising regret.
He was so gentle as he took me home, kissed me, and asked if he could give me my present in his bedroom.
It wasn’t an invitation for sex even though he’d touched me all night—grazing his hand with mine, kissing my cheek when I made him laugh about my five-year-old birthday and the incident at school about skinning Frosty the bunny.
Natty gave me a Cheshire cat grin when we returned, and David guided me up the stairs with our hands entwined. She winked and gave me a big thumbs-up as she slowly vanished from view as I reached the landing. Her encouragement made me feel semi-normal, as if entering David’s room wasn’t a direct slap in the face of Ren’s memory.
But Ren wasn’t here.
Ren had never kissed me the way David had.
Ren had never been interested in me the way David was, so I did my best to push him from my mind and planted a grateful kiss on David’s lips as he gave me a jade green scarf and matching nail polish for my birthday.
That kiss turned to another.
Which evolved to another and another until the nail polish and scarf fell to the carpet and David whispered, “I want you. Do you want me?”
His voice wavered with uncertainty and need; a potent combination of authority and fear. Knowing he was as terrified as I was allowed me to be braver than I might’ve been. It allowed me to thank him in one of the only ways I could.
I nodded—not trusting my voice—and moved toward the bed.
As he stripped me, kissed me, touched me, rolled on a condom, and slid inside me, I did my best to keep my heart and mind with him.
But I wasn’t successful.
For weeks, I’d hoped I would be able to move on, that the gentle affection I had for David would suddenly explode into the all-encompassing craving I’ve had for Ren for as long as I can remember.
But the simmer never became a burn.
If anything, it grew less and less as I acknowledged that I wasn’t ready for anyone who wasn’t Ren. I wasn’t being fair because I was so far from the realm of being okay it was laughable.
The sex was fine.
But his hugs made me empty, and his kisses made me lost.
Afterward, David spooned me and my chest ached unbearably. My tears slowly trickled inside me until they clogged my throat with silence. And when his breathing finally slipped into slumber, and I was free to be honest with myself, I tore out of his embrace, bolted to the bathroom, and barely contained my grief as I wrenched on the shower and hurled myself under the hot spray.