There was no guarantee this could work.
I couldn’t promise I could get past my ethics.
Of course, she panicked and didn’t believe me.
Of course, she doubted me when I’d kept so many boundaries between us for so long.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to make her see that my mind was made up—even if there would be struggles along the way. I was willing to work through them because I’d do anything required to keep her.
Once again, before I could put my thoughts in order, she sent another message.
Della: Sorry, Ren. I…I don’t know where that came from. Just please, tomorrow when we leave, come collect me from David’s. Say goodbye to him and Natty. Hug me in front of him. Tell him what I’ve been telling him for months. Let him be the first to see you do mean this. That I’m not imagining it. That this is real. Please…
The glowing phone lit up the empty bedroom where Della had slept innocently for so many years, all while I’d banished myself to the pull-out couch, desperate for distance. Certain that if I could keep physical distance between us, it would manifest into emotional distance, too.
It never did.
It’d only made my need for her increase because all my life, I’d been used to sleeping with her beside me, of her breathing in the night, of her warmth in the dark.
And I’d forbidden myself to have that comfort the moment her kiss changed everything.
Was it weak to admit that I’d been living a half-life since the day we left Cherry River? Was it twisted to acknowledge that I’d gone from having affection and kisses from the one person I loved more than anyone, to months on end of no touch, all because I couldn’t understand how a hug could hold so many different languages and complications?
I wasn’t fluent enough to hug her while pretending it was platonic.
I wasn’t brave enough to touch her while masking every unsaid craving between us.
And now, Della wanted me to hug her in front of David.
But that wasn’t what she was asking.
She was asking me to stop pretending. Begging me to stop fighting, to finally permit myself to sink into those cravings, knowing full well I would never be able to swim back out.
She was afraid I could walk away from her after this.
Afraid I was about to steal her entire life and leave her broken when I realised I couldn’t do it, after all.
But it was the wrong thing to be afraid of.
What she should fear was the part of me I’d kept hidden from her.
For seventeen years, she’d brought out the best in me. She’d nurtured my sense of honour, duty, and devotion to the point where she didn’t know any different.
She never glimpsed the other part of me.
The part that had steadily grown worse the longer I denied myself what I wanted.
The savage part.
The violent part.
The first person to see it was Cassie.
After our first time having sex, she’d chuckled and told me I was far more dominating than her other lovers. That the boy who used to flinch when she kissed him was no more.
She said I had a tornado wrapped around my heart—tightly coiled and mostly contained until it came to sex.
At the time, I’d denied it.
It made me sound like a monster, even if she tried to assure me it was just a primitive part of me taking over. That it was normal. That some men were more aggressive than others. But as we sneaked into the stables again and again, I’d learned something new about myself.
She was right.
I couldn’t stop it.
The Ren who would give his own life to save Della’s vanished during sex when he no longer thought about others but himself. Only himself.
I hated it.
And as I shared hollow fucking with faceless women to rid that steadily building desire for Della, I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I wasn’t as noble as I liked to believe.
In all aspects of my life, Della came before me. I sacrificed everything I could for her. I gave her the clothes off my back, the sweat off my brow, and the promises from my heart.
Nothing was too much.
No request too crazy.
But when it came to sex…I wasn’t giving.
I wasn’t selfless.
I wasn’t soft.
And that was yet another thing that kept me awake at night, because even if I could come to terms with sleeping with Della, how the hell could I ever tell her that the Ren she knew would not be the Ren she loved when I was inside her?
I trembled in my sleeping bag as I shoved aside such thoughts and focused on putting her mind at rest even while mine rode a stormy sea.
Me: Okay, Della. If you need a public display of affection, I’ll do it. I’ll come to his place tomorrow once everything is done, and I’ll hug you in front of him. I’ll lay claim to you. I’ll kiss you if that’s what you need. But then, we’re leaving, and we’re never coming back.