“I’ll never stop, Della Ribbon.” Her curls stuck to my lips as I inhaled her sweet scent. “Not until life rips me from your arms. And even then…it’s not goodbye.”
A cough tumbled from my mouth. A cough that made her stiffen and arms tighten.
Kissing her, I murmured, “I promise that every breath I take is for you. I’ve never loved anyone else and I never will.”
She crawled closer, kissing me with a fury that threatened to make me snap. “My heart has always belonged to you.”
“I know.” My voice broke, and I fisted her hair to kiss her hard.
My body tightened, my heart pounded, and by the time the kiss ended, I was lightheaded and out of breath, and I didn’t know if it was from her or the disease inside me.
The doctors had warned me that as I progressed, my strength would go. I’d lose weight. I’d struggle to breathe. I’d fade away piece by piece.
That was my utmost terror.
That Della would remember me that way.
“I need you to promise me something.” I didn’t tear my mouth from hers, speaking directly into her. “Promise me that you’ll remember me like this. That you’ll stay with me. That you won’t hate me for dy—”
“Stop. I-I can’t.” Her lips twisted beneath mine.
“Can’t promise you’ll stay by me while I go through—”
“Can’t hear you say the word dying. Please, Ren.” Her eyes met mine, so close and somber.
The knowledge I was the one causing her so much pain crippled me. “I thought I could do this.” My neck bowed, my forehead touching hers. “But I can’t. Not yet.”
“Me, too. I’m not ready.”
“I need you, Della.”
Her hands fumbled on my belt, ripping open the buckle and unzipping my fly. “You have me. Always.”
I half-smiled, repeating what she said as if it were a vow. “Always.” As if that one word linked us beneath the eyes of nature, binding us better than any wedding ceremony.
Her hand dove between us, slipping into my boxers and fisting me.
My breath caught at the sudden shot of pleasure, and all I wanted to do was give in. We needed to lose ourselves from reality for a while, but I placed my hand over hers.
“Wait.” I coughed quietly.
Her eyes met mine, wincing. “Why?”
Why?
Because we had so little time.
Because I needed so much more than I already had.
I never looked away even though it was the most vulnerable I’d ever been around her. “I know it’s soon, and we agreed to wait…but I’m ready to come second best.”
Her lips parted.
I waited to see if she understood.
Of course, she understood.
She was my intelligent, beautiful Della.
She bit her lip, her chest heaving with tears. “A-are you going to leave me that fast?” Her fingers twitched around my erection. Her eyes closed tight as if barricading herself against my answer.
“I—” I groaned, fighting yet another cough. “I don’t know how to do this, Della. Don’t know how to hurt you when it’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
“Then don’t.” She looked up. “Lie to me. Tell me this is all a terrible mistake.”
“You know I can’t do that. I’ve tried. I can’t hide from you. Not anymore.”
“I know.” Her face held no colour, blood sinking inside to protect her heart. “Just…after. Tell me after.”
“Fuck, Ribbon.” I kissed her, tasting salt and misery and an end we both weren’t ready for.
As we kissed, my hands undid the buttons of her jacket and pushed it off her shoulders. Our lips disconnected as I fumbled for her jodhpur zipper. She hadn’t changed before trekking with me. She hadn’t done anything apart from follow me dazedly from the stables and over the fields to the forest.
Popping the button against her flat stomach, she watched my fingers undress her.
“I stopped taking my pill a week ago. I—” She gave me a guilty half-smile. “I didn’t discuss it with you. I threw it down the drain. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
“For making that decision alone.”
I kissed her, jerking her close. “You made the right one. You made the only one.”
“I want your baby, Ren. But…I don’t know if I’m ready to share you. Especially now.”
My heart sank. “Then we’ll wait. I’ll respect that.”
I’d respect it and hope to God I survived long enough to make a child with her. Hope to heaven the drugs that would extend my life wouldn’t make me sterile before it was too late.
Her hand moved again, pulling me free from my jeans and boxers until I stabbed upright between us. “How long, Ren?”
“Della…” Using my knuckle, I nudged her chin upward. “Please, stop.” I bent to press my lips to hers, expecting a refusal but earning a soul-blistering kiss instead. “After, remember?”
“After.” She nodded, her fingers stroking hotly.
My body became corrupted by her touch. Part of me was no longer interested in sex after talking about such morbid things, but the larger part was ever more desperate.