It was almost too cruel.
I’d been his age when I’d first taken Della.
His age when my life changed, and I’d fought to keep us alive and happy.
And through all odds and obstacles, I’d done it.
A runty kid with an abusive past had somehow created a world anyone would envy.
I needed Della to see that—to trust our son wasn’t just a kid but had a man inside him. He would be there for her, just like I’d been there for her. He would be brave, just like I’d been brave. He would cope, and together, they would survive.
Della’s hands cupped my cheeks tenderly, kissing me in the dark.
I submitted to her, stroking her tongue with mine, tilting my head to deepen.
When my heart was once again skipping and kicking out of sync, she disengaged from me then fell to her side, waiting for me to spoon her.
I knew what would happen if I lay down.
I knew how bad the coughing would get.
My lungs were on borrowed time, and I had no intention of dying tonight.
Reclining just a little, I rolled her over until her head landed on my belly and her arm slung over my hips.
We stayed that way for an eternity. A sleeping bag thrown over us to stay warm, the night crickets and scurrying creatures our symphony.
And then, in the infinite dark, Della started to cry.
Her tears ran over my skin.
Her grief bathed me in salt.
I clutched her close, shuddering against helplessness, my own tears spilling over.
I hadn’t fully let myself grieve.
I’d shared a tear or two but never let the torrent go.
But now, where no one could see me, with the dark blinding us, hiding us, I allowed the silent sobs to break me.
My sorrow only made Della’s worse, and she cried harder.
I didn’t try to comfort her.
I didn’t seek comfort for myself.
This was a purging.
This was necessary.
This was goodbye.
We clung to each other as we spent every tear.
We didn’t worry about clocks or dawns, only about trying to find peace to our pain.
And when my eyes dried and my heart settled, I stroked her hair softly. “I’ve loved you every second of my life.”
Her body flinched against mine, her head burrowing into my belly. “Don’t. Don’t do this.”
“You’re the reason I’ve been blessed with so much.”
“Stop, please stop.”
“You’ve been more than just a wife to me; you’ve been my entire reason of existence.”
“God…Ren.” Her tears came fresh. Her hold bound tight.
I knew I was hurting her, but she had to know.
Had to hear me repeat all the things she already knew, so she’d understand that none of it would change. My love for her would go on and on. She had to accept that. Had to accept that my physical love was almost done, but my spiritual love would never end.
“Without you, I would’ve died many years ago, and for that, I want to thank you. Thank you for giving me you, Della. Thank you for giving me a son. Thank you for giving me us.”
Her fingernails dug deep as if she could latch onto me forever.
“I love you.” I coughed quietly. “But those words aren’t enough. They don’t do justice to how much I care.”
A sob broke free. “I love you, Ren. I love you more than I can bear.” Her nails turned to lips, kissing my stomach with desperation. “Please, you’re still here. Don’t talk as if you’re not.”
I ignored her, telling her a story like I used to when she was a little girl and couldn’t sleep. “The moment you took your first breath in that monster’s den, you stole mine and have held it in your palm ever since.
“On the days I’d see you with your mother, I’d curse you. On the evenings where I’d slink past, I’d study you. I was forever aware of you, wishing I could share your food, your innocence, your touch.
“My thoughts were that of a starving kid but now, as a man, I look back on those fuzzy childhood memories and wish I could live it all over again. I wish I could go back with the wisdom I have now and understand what you’d mean to me.
“I’d never get angry with you. Never yell or leave. I wish I could relive every touch, every smile, first word, and first kiss. I wish you could feel how grateful I was every time you kissed me, laughed with me, gave me the honour of calling you mine.
“I’m grateful, Della. For all of it.
“Without your selflessness and the unconditional way you made me fall for you, I doubt I’d be whole now. I wouldn’t be able to lie here with you in my arms, knowing what is about to happen, and be calm enough to love you until that last fucking second.”
“Stop.” Her sobs drenched my naked skin, but I didn’t stop.