There was only one person I loved that much.
One boy who meant the absolute universe to me.
Doing my best to stop runaway thoughts, I asked the stupidest question I could’ve asked, “What was it like…sleeping with Ren?”
Her eyes narrowed, her breath inhaled, and she studied me for an eternity before admitting, “The best I’ve ever had.”
I should’ve stopped there.
I should’ve known that something wasn’t quite right with me that I wanted explicit details on the man who’d raised me.
I should’ve known nothing good could come from taboo conversation and dealing with amplified emotions while on my period.
So many reasons to stop.
I wanted to stop.
But this was adult territory, and I was an adult now.
I could handle it.
I could handle the filthy feeling inside at asking about Ren.
I could handle the strange greed, envy, and unfurling lust, even though all three emotions should’ve been massive alarm bells that I was broken in many ways. That I was on the precipice of doing something forbidden and disgusting and wrong.
But…I had no willpower.
And I’d been waiting for honesty like this all my life.
“How was it the best?” My voice was small, afraid, already hurting.
Cassie tore her eyes from mine as her hand found its way into her horse’s mane and twirled the black strands. “How?”
“Uh-huh…”
Tell me.
Don’t tell me.
Ruin me.
Don’t ruin me.
“Because Ren has never been a boy. Even when he was younger, he was braver, stronger, more attractive than any of the boys who think they’re men but are still just silly little children. He carries this melancholy melody inside him that just makes me want to protect him and have him protect me at the same time. When he touches me, it’s like fire. When he kisses me, it’s like drowning. When he pushes me down and thrusts inside me, it’s like falling into space, trusting him to never let you go, all the while hoping he will let you fall and then fall right along with you.”
Her voice dwindled away with longing. “He’s aggressive in all the right ways. He’s dominating and generous and ruthless and…” She shrugged helplessly. “Sleeping with Ren is the best thing I’ve ever done because he doesn’t just live to deliver pleasure but because he gives so much of himself when he does. He has his secrets. He has his moods. But when he’s in your arms…that’s when he lets himself be seen. His kisses are full of tragedy. His touches are full of sorrow. And when he comes…wow…” She looked at the sky full of sunset-pink clouds. “He breaks your heart every damn time because he’s everything you could ever want and everything you’ll never have because Ren is wild. He’s untouchable. And the knowledge that he’ll always be that way tears off a piece of your soul, letting him steal it. He pockets it like his secrets, and he carves a hole inside you until you ache for one tiny piece of his in return.”
She sighed with all the pain she felt and all the matching misery I was about to cause. “I’m in love with him, and he doesn’t even notice. He doesn’t care because whatever he cares about isn’t me, and I’m done trying to be what he wants when I doubt even he knows. It’s just…it’s the perfect combination of grief and bliss, I guess. And I stupidly became addicted to it…just like I became addicted to him.”
Now, I’m sure I’ve embellished what she said to me that day.
I’ve added flair that creative writing has taught me and put phrases into Cassie’s mouth that an Equine Science student probably would never say.
I also, maybe, probably, put in my own bittersweet knowledge, because I understand her now. I might not have slept with Ren, but I know her pain. I recognise her craving because such catastrophe lives within me.
Of course, I didn’t know that then. But…that’s how I heard it.
I listened to a tortured tale of unrequited love and fell for it.
I’d never heard something so beautiful as being told Ren was unclaimable while in another woman’s arms, and it sent my stupid adolescent heart wondering if I would be different.
If I was what he was searching for.
If he was what I was searching for.
If all of this was for a reason, a purpose, an ending that would complete whatever journey we were on.
It cracked open the blinders I’d had on all my life and gave me a glimpse at the man behind the boy.
The man I’d caught myself staring at.
The man I’d dreamt about.
The man who was my everything and would now become the reason for every tortured day thereafter.
I’ve loved Ren Wild all my life.
But it wasn’t until Cassie Wilson ripped back the curtain that I fell in love with him.
I fell into the idea of him.
I fell into the idea of being his.