Stone Cold - Ashby Crime Family

My limbs felt heavy and weightless at the same time and almost instantly the pain went away. Mental and physical pain disappeared and everything just felt…good. Right.

Nothing bothered me in those seconds, not even when I thought about it. I wasn’t angry or hurt by the shit with my parents or all the things I thought mattered in the world, things like being a good person, a kind person. Someone who did the right thing. Preserving my purity. I did everything I was supposed to and what did I have to show for it? Nothing, a big ol’ fat nothing.

I had less than nothing, but still the smile on my face didn’t waver.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, aware of only the stars blinking in the night sky. Even when I thought of the inevitable conclusion that Calvin would have me kicked out and deemed too much trouble, my face was still fixed in a smile. When that happened I wouldn’t even care.

Still, I smiled. I felt good.

Sometime later, maybe a minute or maybe an hour, someone knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” I called out before remembering it was locked. “Hang on.” I wasn’t at all surprised to see my best friend on the other side of the door. Looking worried.

“Hey, Bon. How’s it going?” To her credit, Maisie tried to sound casual, but she was a run toward the fire kind of girl.

I shrugged and stepped back so she could enter, admiring the sleek all black outfit that hugged her curves.

“It’s going all right if all right means that being accused of murder is the only thing people want to talk about.”

“What? Are they really asking you about that?”

“Are you really surprised? I told you how gossipy the church circles are. This is the juiciest, more so because my parents are far enough away that the whole community can talk about it freely. Guilt-free, really.”

“That’s shitty,” she said and put a hand to my shoulder. “Have you considered looking outside of church philanthropy? There are plenty of causes who don’t mind hiring qualified people with…colorful backgrounds.” Her lips wobbled and twitched under the force of the laughter she held back, but eventually it broke free. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I don’t want anyone, especially you, feeling like you can’t say whatever you want. How are things with Virgil?”

Uncertainty flashed in her blue eyes for a moment before Maisie nodded, taking me at my word.

“He’s great. Insatiable which is nice. Really nice, but also sweet. He brought me a peanut butter milkshake yesterday in the middle of the day just because I was talking about it the night before.” The wistful look in her eyes, so filled with love, had me green with envy but also completely happy for her.

“That sounds amazing, Maisie. He’s not how I thought he’d be. Virgil is one of the good guys.”

“I think so too, but I’m glad you think so.” Her gaze slid to the open balcony door, and she stepped out to look up at the sky. “How are you really, Bonnie? Have you spoken to your parents at all?”

I let out a bitter laugh. “Nope. Not at all. How can I when they’ve disconnected my phone? I bought a pre-paid phone that I only use for job interviews, not that it’s been a worth-while investment so far.”

Maisie’s blue eyes stared at me for a long time until I began to squirm in discomfort and she sighed. “I’m worried about you, Bon.”

“I’m worried about me too,” I told her honestly. “But I’m going to be fine. I promise.”

“You were here for me when I went through hell. I want to do the same for you.”

I knew that, and I loved her for it. I just was no longer sure I deserved that love. That friendship. Maybe all of this happened to me because I wasn’t as good as I thought I was, as kind and charitable. Maybe that was why I didn’t get the incredible love story that Maisie had.

I didn’t deserve it. Mama’d always told me I was a sinner at birth and to be glad I didn’t get what I deserved. I wondered if this was what she meant.

But I couldn’t tell Maisie that. She wouldn’t understand. “You are here for me, Maze. You found me a place to stay while I get my life together, and that’s more than my own parents are willing to do. But I need to figure things out on my own. I have to do this. I’ve never taken care of myself, and I don’t want to become a burden to anyone.”

It wasn’t until after I said the words that I realized how true they were. I’d relied on my parents, the church, and my community to help me with everything. Now that I was on my own, I didn’t know how to be an adult.