“You want to leave?” Maisie asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t want to, but my job prospects have dried up here, and I need to be able to support myself.” There was no way I would allow myself to become dependent on someone else.
“But…you and Cal?”
I shook my head. “That was one night, Maze. Only one night, and the next day he told me exactly what he thought of me. Anyway we’re not a thing. Not at all.”
She put her arm around me and pulled me close. “But that’s stupid. What happened?”
I spoke into her embrace. “I don’t want to be a responsibility or an obligation to anyone. I did everything my parents and the stupid church demanded of me, and it was never enough. I was never enough. I twisted myself to fit their ideal daughter, and then just because I found Father Eric, they assumed I was doing something shady with him, even though they couldn’t prove anything.”
I sat up again, tears welling up in my eyes. I shook them off before they could fall. “Like I’m going to do nefarious things with a priest for God’s sake. Anyway, I have nothing right now Maisie, nothing at all.”
“But do you actually know how Calvin feels about you? The way he’s been moping around the house, I’d say no. Plus, Virgil says you’ve been avoiding Calvin.”
“What I’ve been doing is spending every moment thinking about my future, applying for every crap job the bus can get me to, and trying to make a budget.”
I knew Maisie wouldn’t let this go until I told her everything, so I did, starting and ending with the botched proposal.
“He cares about me, Maisie, which is how I feel about millions of people. He would shackle himself to me because he thinks it’s the right thing to do. It’s sweet, but I don’t want that for me or my baby. This is all going to be hard enough that I don’t need to add a loveless marriage to the mix.”
“But what if he just said it all wrong? I mean, no offense, but Cal isn’t exactly a smooth talker unless it’s about why my router is out again.”
“Porn?”
“Duh,” she shot back with a laugh. “Maybe you two should talk. Again.”
“No. This is hard enough without him confusing my emotions. I never dreamed in a million years that I’d be pregnant with no husband or boyfriend in sight, but here I am, living it out. I plan to adjust to my new reality, maybe even evolve one day to see it as a blessing or something once I’m holding my baby in my arms.”
That was what would keep me going. When the nights got too lonely, I’d think of my baby and feel comfort. When the urge to use became too strong, I’d think of my child big and strong, conquering the world in a way I never could.
“How do you feel about Cal?”
It was a question I should have seen coming, probably would have if I wasn’t such an emotional wreck these days.
I avoided Maisie’s eyes. “I like him. What’s not to like?”
Cal was sweet and he’d never pressured me like Wyatt, but most of all he’d made me feel desirable, even if it was just for a few hours.
Her eyebrows shot up. I couldn’t put anything over on her. “Like him?” she said, her voice full of derision. “That’s some weak shit right there, Bonnie Byrne. Do you love him or don’t you?”
“Why does that matter? We’re all wrong for each other, and he doesn’t feel the same way.”
“A-ha! So, you do love him, but you don’t wanna say it because you think he doesn’t feel the same about you. It’s scary as fuck isn’t it?”
“Language,” I said automatically and rolled my eyes. “It’s not scary, being a poor single mom for the next couple of decades is scary. Sleeping in my car while junkies shoot dope around the corner is scary. This? The stuff with Calvin? It’s just a distraction.”
My child was my priority, would be from this moment forward. If a man couldn’t handle that then it was his loss. Not ours.
“You don’t believe that,” she said, her voice dripping with doubt. Disbelief. “Do you?”
“Yes, Maisie, I do. I know you’re knee deep in love right now, but I’m…not. I can’t be.”
She sighed, giving a good effort at trying to hide her disappointment, but Maisie had little practice in hiding her emotions.
“Have you prayed about it?”
“No. I told you, I’m done with praying. I can only focus on the things I can control, like my health and sobriety, taking care of my baby.” That’s what my future will be, and it’ll start tomorrow, hopefully, after my call center interview.
The sun filtered into the window at an odd angle, casting a rainbow on the wall and my gaze went to Maisie’s hand. Her left hand. “Do you have some news to share with me, Maisie?”