Clearly, she’d been alone in her overwrought emotions.
Never would she have anyone—Sebastian in particular—feel for her a sense of obligation but not love. That was the worst kind of trap and presaged a lifetime of misery.
“Glad we’re in agreement,” she made herself say, though she hurt as if she spoke in knives not words. “We’ll chalk it up to curiosity.”
“Nothing more.” He was quiet for a moment. “So . . . friends?”
“Friends,” she said.
As she lay in his arms, she squeezed her eyes shut against the confusion and pain that threatened to obliterate all the ecstasy she’d just experienced.
Chapter 21
Grace sat opposite Seb for the carriage ride back to the city. She didn’t cram herself into a corner, trying to gain as much distance between them as possible, but she never met his gaze, and whenever their knees bumped from the sway of the vehicle, she quickly moved them aside. As if they hadn’t just engaged in the most intimate, carnal act two people could. As if he hadn’t held her in his arms, treasuring how their heartbeats aligned as they quieted in the aftermath.
He clenched his hands into fists as they rested beside him. Several times, he opened his mouth, but then shut it again. What could he say to her?
Though it had devastated him, he’d made certain that she knew he expected nothing from her. She’d no obligation to him. They’d given in to their attraction, and while it had altered the very terrain of Seb’s world like an earthquake, he had made certain that if she had set her heart on someone else, Seb wouldn’t stand in her path. To ask for anything more was a violation of their friendship, and he respected her too much to demand something she didn’t want to give.
With that, she’d withdrawn from him, as though, after receiving permission to walk away, she did just that.
The spring night cooled with each passing minute, but it was nothing compared to the chill within the carriage. The iciness clenched around him, squeezing air from his lungs.
How long was this damned ride back to town?
He peered behind the carriage window curtain to see the streets of Camden Town streaming past. He knocked on the roof of the carriage, and the vehicle slowed.
“Why are we stopping?” This was the first Grace had spoken since she’d agreed that they were to remain friends.
“I’ll walk from here.” He put his hand on the door, eager to be anywhere else but with her and the reminder that she wanted someone else.
She leaned forward. “It’s miles back to Howland Street.”
When had he told her where he resided? But her words were still tight and distant.
“A mile and a half, truly,” he said, forcing himself to sound jovial. “Not far.”
“I see.” She sat back, and while the physical space between them wasn’t much altered, the expanse seemed to stretch into infinity.
He’d half hoped she might protest and insist that they continue to ride together. If not all the way to Howland Street, then perhaps until they reached Mayfair. But that wasn’t to be. And he shouldn’t feel disappointed that she’d agreed to his decision to walk.
The carriage stopped. With relief, Seb opened the door before the footman could, and stepped down from the vehicle. The residential streets of Camden Town were empty, befitting his mood. After the crush of people at the Viscount Marwood’s ball, and the village festivities, nothing suited him better than solitude. He was too raw and tender for other people, other voices.
Though that could change—if she said she wanted him to stay with her.
He turned to Grace, one hand on the door. She remained in the shadows, wordless, her hands clasped together in her lap.
What was there to say? “Thank you,” seemed too paltry, and she likely didn’t want to hear him add, “for the most incredible experience of my entire life.”
“Good night,” he said.
“Good night,” she answered, as if they were still friends who met at the Benezra Library and the occasional trip to a lecture or exhibit. Exactly what he’d offered, and she’d agreed to his terms.
Chilled to his marrow, he shut the door behind him and began to walk. The carriage wheels clattered over the road as it drove on, passing him. He didn’t slow to watch it disappear down the street, going south, back to life as it had been.