She said, “When I think about life without Sebastian, I want to curl into a ball and sob brokenly. I want to hear his thoughts on the preservation of cultures and species. I want to watch that endearingly silly smile bloom on his face when he thinks he’s being too enthusiastic about things. To not have any of that . . .” Her chest ached.
“You’ve talked quite a bit about Mr. Holloway,” Jane said gently. “But hardly said anything about Mr. Fredericks.”
“Oh, God.” Grace felt the blood drain from her face, leaving her more chilled than the cool night. “Thinking about him, I feel fondness. Nothing more. I . . .” She pressed her hand to her mouth. “I cannot marry him. Because . . .”
She blinked furiously. “My heart belongs to Sebastian. It always has.” Yet she’d been too foolish, too shortsighted, to understand that. By spending so much time with him these past weeks, she’d come to appreciate him even more. Her feelings for him had deepened and matured into something richer. “I wanted Mason, but it’s Sebastian I need.”
The realization made the sky overhead tilt, as if the cosmos itself spun out of control. She staggered, trying to keep her feet.
Now that she’d said it aloud, she understood it entirely. How whenever she was near Sebastian she felt her entire being lifted up, and how she spent every moment apart from him waiting, hoping, to see him again. She’d adored seeing him develop his confidence these past weeks, and it seemed as though, by learning how to manage his fear of strangers and new situations, he was more comfortable—which gladdened her.
“I love him,” she said suddenly.
Jane enfolded her in a tight hug. “Ah, my darling, I’m so glad to hear you say that. Because, you know, I’ve long suspected that you and Mr. Holloway were perfectly suited for each other.”
“You never said anything to me!”
“Or me,” Douglas added. “And you tell me everything.”
“Well, I thought it,” Jane said briskly.
“But it doesn’t matter,” Grace said, unable to keep the misery from her voice. “He doesn’t love me. If he did, he would have said so when I told him about Mason’s proposal.”
“That’s precisely why he didn’t,” Douglas said, raising his lamp for emphasis. “If he does care for you, he would step aside if he thought he was an impediment to your happiness. Just as he did.”
Grace looked back and forth between the Argyles. “Do you think so?”
“Douglas is a very sensible man,” Jane answered. “He married me, after all.”
“Tell Mr. Holloway how you feel,” Douglas continued. “He needs to hear it from you.”
“He might reject me again.” The words were acidic in Grace’s mouth.
“He won’t,” Jane said.
“But he might.”
Jane pointed to a glimmering light overhead. “That is the planet Mars. It might one day break free from its orbit and hurtle into the Earth. It might, but it likely will not. And if, by some chance, it does crash into our planet, do you want to face eternity without ever having told Mr. Holloway that you love him?”
Grace exhaled. “Why must emotions be so ruddy confusing?”
“Because they adhere to no scientific principle,” Jane said with a sage nod. She placed her hands on Grace’s shoulders. “Promise me that on the morrow, you’ll confess your feelings to Mr. Holloway.”
Could she? Risk him turning away from her, perhaps forever? That pain would haunt her for the rest of her days.
If she didn’t, she would be safer. But she wouldn’t have him.
“I will.” As soon as Grace spoke, a strange calm settled over her. This was right. This would work out. It had to.
Jane beamed, a jubilant expression shared by Douglas. “Wonderful. Now, will you help me find Arcturus?”
“Better that than look for Uranus,” Grace said, barely able to suppress a giggle.
Jane leveled a stare at her. “How long have you been waiting to say that?”
“All night,” Grace admitted.
“God help Mr. Holloway,” Jane said.
Chapter 24
Sleep proved next to impossible knowing what tomorrow would bring. Grace considered and then discarded the idea of writing out what she planned to say. Firstly, because she didn’t want to sound too rehearsed. Secondly, because she was reasonably certain she’d forget everything and wind up babbling nonsense at Sebastian.