15
Dawson watched as Amanda made straight for the house, allowing her mother to follow if she wished. Evelyn didn't seem to know what to do. She obviously hadn't been to Tuck's place before; it wasn't an ideal destination for anyone in a cream pantsuit and pearls, especially after a rainstorm. Hesitating, she looked toward Dawson. She stared at him, her face impassive, as if reacting to his presence were somehow beneath her.
She finally turned and followed her daughter to the porch. By then Amanda was already seated in one of the rocking chairs. Dawson put the car back into gear and slowly drove it toward the garage.
He climbed out and leaned against the workbench. From where he was standing, he could no longer see Amanda, nor could he imagine what she would say to her mother. As he looked around Tuck's garage, something pricked Dawson's memory, something that Morgan Tanner had said while he and Amanda had been in his office. He'd said that both Dawson and Amanda would know when to read the letter he'd written each of them, and all at once he knew that Tuck had meant for him to read it now. Tuck probably foresaw how things would play out.
Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out the envelope. Unfolding it, he ran his finger over his name. It was the same shaky scrawl he'd noticed in the letter he and Amanda had read together. Turning the envelope over, he pried it open. Unlike the previous letter, this one was only a single page, front and back. In the quiet of the garage that Dawson once called home, he focused on the words and began to read.
Dawson,
I'm not exactly sure how to start this letter, other than to tell you that over the years, I've come to know Amanda pretty well. I'd like to think she hasn't changed since I first laid eyes on her, but I can't honestly say for sure. Back then, you two kept pretty much to yourselves, and like a lot of young folk you both went still whenever I came around. Had no problem with that, by the way. Did the same thing with Clara. Don't know if her daddy heard me talk until after we were married, but that's another story.
My point is, I don't really know who she was, but I know who she is now, and let's just say I know why you never got over her. She's got a lot of goodness inside her, that one. Lots of love, lots of patience, smart as a whip, and she's just about the prettiest thing that ever walked the streets of this town, that's for sure. But it's her kindness I think I like best because I've been around long enough to know how rare something like that really is.
I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know, but over the last few years, I've come think of her as something like a daughter. That means I have to talk to you like maybe her daddy would have, because daddies ain't worth much if they don't worry just a little. Especially about her. Because more than anything else, you should understand that Amanda's hurting, and I think she's been hurting for a while now. I saw it when she first came to see me, and I guess I hoped it was a phase, but the more she came to visit, the worse she seemed to be feeling. Every now and then, I'd wake up and see her poking around the garage, and I began to understand that you were part of the reason she was feeling the way she was. She was haunted by the past, haunted by you. But trust me when I say that memories are funny things. Sometimes they're real, but other times they change into what we want them to be, and in her own way, I think Amanda was trying to figure out what the past really meant to her. That's the reason I set up the weekend like I did. I had a hunch that seeing you again was the only way she was going to find her way out of the darkness, whatever that might mean.
But like I said, she's hurting, and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that people in pain don't always see things as clearly as they should. She's at the point in her life where she has to make some decisions, and that's where you come in. Both of you need to figure out what happens next, but keep in mind that she might need more time than you do. She might even change her mind once or twice. But once it's finally decided, both of you need to accept the decision. And if it somehow doesn't work out between you, then you've got to understand that you can't look back anymore. It'll destroy you in the end, and destroy her as well. Neither one of you can keep living with regret, because it drains the life right out of you, and the very idea is enough to break my heart. After all, if I've come to think of Amanda as my daughter, I've come to think of you as my son. And if I had a single dying wish, it would be to know that both of you, my two children, are somehow going to be all right.
Tuck
Amanda watched her mom test the decaying floorboards of the porch, as though fearing she might fall through. She hesitated again at the rocker, trying to decide whether it was actually necessary to sit down.
Amanda felt a familiar weariness as her mother lowered herself carefully into the chair. She perched in such a way as to touch as little of it as possible.
Once settled, her mother turned to regard her, seemingly content to wait for Amanda to speak first, but Amanda stayed quiet. She knew there was nothing she could say that would make this conversation easier, and she deliberately faced away, watching the play of sunlight as it filtered through the canopy.
Finally, her mother rolled her eyes. "Really, Amanda. Stop acting like a child. I'm not your enemy. I'm your mother."
"I know what you're going to say." Amanda's voice was flat.
"That may very well be the case, but even so, one of the responsibilities of being a parent is to make sure your children know when they're making mistakes."
"Is that what you think this is?" Amanda's narrowed gaze snapped back to her mother.
"What would you call it? You're a married woman."
"You don't think I know that?"
"You're certainly not acting like it," she said. "You're not the first woman in the world who's been unhappy in her marriage. Nor are you the first to act on that unhappiness. The difference with you is that you continue to think that it's someone else's fault."
"What are you talking about?" Amanda could feel her hands tightening around the arms of her rocker.
"You blame people, Amanda." Her mother sniffed. "You blame me, you blame Frank, and after Bea, you even blamed God. You look anywhere besides the mirror for the cause of the problems in your life. Instead, you walk around feeling like a martyr. 'Poor little Amanda struggling against all odds in a hard and cruel world.' The truth is, the world isn't easy for any of us. It never has been, and it never will be. But if you were honest with yourself, you'd understand that you're not entirely innocent in all this, either."
Amanda clenched her teeth. "And here I was, hoping that you were capable of even the tiniest flicker of empathy or understanding. I guess I was wrong."
"Is that what you really think?" Evelyn asked, picking at an imaginary piece of lint on her clothing. "Tell me then--what should I be saying to you? Should I hold your hand and ask how you're feeling? Should I lie to you and tell you that everything is going to be just fine? That there aren't going to be any consequences, even if you somehow manage to keep Dawson a secret?" She paused. "There are always consequences, Amanda. You're old enough to know that. Do you really need me to remind you?"
Amanda willed herself to keep her voice steady. "You're missing my point."
"And you're missing mine. You don't know me as well as you think you do."
"I know you, Mom."
"Oh, yes, that's right. In your words I'm incapable of even a flicker of sympathy or understanding." She touched the small diamond stud in her earlobe. "Of course, that begs the question as to why I covered for you last night."
"What?"
"When Frank called. The first time, I acted like I suspected nothing at all while he rambled on about some golf thing he planned to do tomorrow with a friend named Roger. And then later, when he called back a second time, I told him that you were already asleep, even when I knew exactly what you were up to. I knew you were with Dawson, and by dinner, I knew that you weren't coming back."
"How could you know that?" Amanda demanded, trying to mask her shock.
"Have you never noticed how small Oriental is? There are only so man
y places to stay in town. On my first call, I spoke to Alice Russell at the bed-and-breakfast. We had a pleasant conversation, by the way. She told me that Dawson had checked out, but simply knowing that he was in town was enough for me to figure out what was going on. I suppose that's why I'm here, instead of waiting for you at the house. I thought we could just skip the lying and denying altogether. I thought it would make our conversation a bit easier for you."
Amanda felt almost dizzy. "Thank you," she mumbled. "For not telling Frank."
"It's not my place to tell Frank anything, or to say anything that would add more trouble to your marriage. What you tell Frank is your own business. As far as I'm concerned, nothing happened at all."
Amanda swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. "Then why are you here?"
Her mother sighed. "Because you're my daughter. You may not want to talk to me, but I do expect you to listen." Amanda caught the whiff of disappointment in her mom's tone. "I have no desire to hear the tawdry details of what went on last night, or hear how awful I was for not accepting Dawson in the first place. Nor do I want to discuss your problems with Frank. What I'd like to do instead is to give you some advice. As your mother. Despite what you might think sometimes, you are my daughter and I care about you. The question is, are you willing to listen?"
"Yes." Amanda's voice was barely audible. "What should I do?"
Her mother's face lost all its stiff artifice and her voice was surprisingly soft. "It's really very simple," she said. "Don't take my advice."
Amanda waited for more but her mother remained quiet, adding nothing to her comment. She wasn't sure what to make of it. "Are you telling me to leave Frank?" she finally whispered.
"No."
"Then I should try to work things out with him?"
"I didn't say that, either."
"I don't understand."
"Don't read so much into it." Her mother rose, straightening her jacket. She moved toward the steps.
Amanda blinked, trying to grasp what was happening. "Wait... you're leaving? You didn't say anything."
Her mom turned. "On the contrary. I said everything that matters."
"Don't take your advice?"
"Exactly," her mom said. "Don't take my advice. Or anyone's advice. Trust yourself. For good or for bad, happy or unhappy, it's your life, and what you do with it has always been entirely up to you." She placed one polished leather pump on the creaky first step, her face becoming masklike again. "Now, I suppose I'll see you later? When you come home to get your things?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll put out some finger sandwiches and fruit." With that, she continued down the steps. At her car, she noticed Dawson standing in the garage and she studied him briefly before turning away. Once behind the wheel, she started the engine, and then, all at once, she was gone.
Putting the letter aside, Dawson left the garage and focused his gaze on Amanda. She was staring out at the forest, more composed than he'd imagined she would be, but he was unable to read anything more from her expression.
As he walked toward Amanda on the porch, she offered a weak smile before turning away. Somewhere in the pit of his stomach, he felt the stirrings of fear.
He took a seat in the rocker and leaned forward, clasping his hands together and sitting in silence.
"Aren't you going to ask me how it went?" she finally asked.
"I figured you'd get around to telling me sooner or later," he said. "If you wanted to talk about it, I mean."
"Am I that predictable?"
"No," he said.
"Yes, I am. My mother, on the other hand..." She tugged at her earlobe, buying time. "If I ever tell you that I think I have my mom figured out, remind me of what happened today, okay?"
He nodded. "Will do."
Amanda drew a long, slow breath, and when she finally spoke, her voice sounded strangely distant. "When she was walking up to the porch, I knew exactly how our conversation was going to unfold," she said. "She was going to demand to know what I was doing and tell me what a terrible mistake I was making. Next to come would be the lecture about expectations and responsibility, and then I'd cut her off, telling her that she didn't understand a thing about me. I was going to tell her that I've loved you all my life and that Frank didn't make me happy anymore. That I wanted to be with you." She turned toward him, pleading for him to understand. "I could hear myself saying the words, but then..." Dawson watched her expression close in on itself. "She has this way of making me question everything."
"You mean about us," he said, the knot of fear growing tighter.
"I mean about me," she said, her voice barely a whisper. "But yes, I'm also talking about us. Because I did want to say those things to her. I wanted to say them more than anything, because they're true." She shook her head, as if trying to clear her mind of the remnants of a dream. "But as my mom started talking, my real life came flooding back, and all of a sudden I could hear myself saying something different. It was like there were two radios tuned to different stations, each one playing an alternate version. In the other version I heard myself saying that I didn't want Frank to know about any of this. And that I have children waiting for me back home. And that no matter what I said or how I tried to explain it to them, there would still be something inherently selfish about all of this."
When she paused, Dawson watched as she absently twirled her wedding band.
"Annette is still a little girl," she went on. "I can't imagine leaving her, and at the same time I can't imagine taking her away from her father, either. How could I explain something like this to her? So that she would understand? And what about Jared and Lynn? They're almost adults, but would it be any easier on them? To know that I broke up the family so I could be with you? Like I was trying to relive my youth?" Her voice was anguished. "I love my kids, and it would break my heart to see their disappointment whenever they looked at me."
"They love you," Dawson said, swallowing the lump in his throat.
"I know. But I don't want to put them in that position," she said, picking at some flaking paint on the rocker. "I don't want them to hate me or be disappointed in me. And Frank..." She drew an unsteady breath. "Yes, he has problems, and yes, I struggle with my feelings toward him all the time. But he's not a bad man and I know that part of me will always care for him. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the reason he's able to function as well as he still does. But he's not the kind of man who would be able to wrap his mind around the idea that I'd left him for someone else. Believe me when I tell you that he wouldn't be able to recover from something like that. It would just... destroy him, and what then? Would he drink even more than he already does? Or sink into some deep depression that he couldn't escape? I don't know if I can do that to him." Her shoulders drooped. "And then, of course, there's you."
Dawson sensed what was coming next.
"This weekend was wonderful, but it isn't real life. It was more like a honeymoon, and after a while the excitement will wear off. We can tell ourselves it won't happen, we can make all the promises we want, but it's inevitable, and after that you'll never look at me the way you do now. I won't be the woman you dream about, or the girl you used to love. And you won't be my long-lost love, my one true thing anymore, either. You'll be someone my kids despise because you ruined the family, and you'll see me for who I really am. In a few years, I'll simply be a woman pushing fifty with three kids who might or might not hate her, and who might end up hating herself because of all this. And in the end, you'll end up hating her, too."
"That's not true." Dawson's voice was unwavering.
Amanda did her best to act brave. "But it is," she said. "Honeymoons always come to an end."
He reached for her then, his hand coming to rest on her thigh. "Being together isn't about a honeymoon. It's about the real you and me. I want to wake up with you beside me in the mornings, I want to spend my evenings looking at you across the dinner table. I want to share every mundane detail of my day with you and hear every detail
of yours. I want to laugh with you and fall asleep with you in my arms. Because you aren't just someone I loved back then. You were my best friend, my best self, and I can't imagine giving that up again." He hesitated, searching for the right words. "You might not understand, but I gave you the best of me, and after you left, nothing was ever the same." Dawson could feel the dampness in his palms. "I know you're afraid, and I'm afraid, too. But if we let this go, if we pretend none of this ever happened, then I'm not sure we'll ever get another chance." He reached up, brushing a strand of hair from her eyes. "We're still young. We still have time to make this right."
"We're not that young anymore--"
"But we are," Dawson insisted. "We still have the rest of our lives."
"I know," she whispered. "That's why I need you to do something for me."
"Anything."
She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to keep the tears at bay. "Please... don't ask me to go with you, because if you do, I'll go. Please don't ask me to tell Frank about us, because I'll do that, too. Please don't ask me to give up my responsibilities or break up my family." She inhaled, gulping air like someone drowning. "I love you, and if you love me, too, then you just can't ask me to do these things. Because I don't trust myself enough to say no."
When she finished, Dawson said nothing. Though he didn't want to admit it, he knew there was truth in what she had said. Breaking up her family would change everything; it would change her, and though it scared him, he recalled Tuck's letter. She might need more time, Tuck had said. Or perhaps it really was over and he was supposed to move on.
But that wasn't possible. He thought about all the years he'd dreamed of seeing her again; he thought about the future they might never spend together. He didn't want to give her time, he wanted her to choose him now. And yet he knew that she needed this from him, maybe more than anything she'd ever needed, and he exhaled, hoping that it might somehow make the words come easier.
"All right," he finally whispered.
Amanda began to cry then. Wrestling with the emotions raging through him, Dawson stood. She did, too, and he pulled her close, feeling her collapse against him. As he breathed her in, images began to cycle through his mind--the sunlight striking her hair as she stepped from the garage when he first arrived at Tuck's; her natural grace as she moved through the wildflowers at Vandemere; the still, hungry moment when their lips had first touched in the warmth of a cottage he'd never known existed. Now it was coming to an end, and it was like he was watching the last flicker of light wink out in the darkness of an endless tunnel.