‘We have a lovely pair of heels that complement the cream dress beautifully, sir,’ she says, gathering the dresses from the hook, stepping over our splayed bodies on the floor to reach them.
‘We’ll take them.’
She’s delighted. ‘And a stunning handbag to match.’
‘Pack it up.’
‘And would madam require any accessories?’ she asks, beaming at Ava.
I push myself off the floor and retrieve my tittering wife, holding her up while she continues to chuckle. I haul her close and smother her with wet kisses for a few moments before pulling back and giving her a soft smile. ‘The only accessory my wife needs is me.’
‘Yes, sir.’ The owner disappears with our purchases, and Ava turns to mush in my arms, reaching up to kiss my cheek.
‘You’re so romantic when you want to be.’
‘I’m always romantic,’ I counter, leading her out to the front desk. ‘In my own little way.’
The young assistant’s cheeks are still flaming red, the poor thing unable to look at us. And then she does, and I flip her a cheeky wink. She disintegrates on the spot, shoving the card machine towards me as I chuckle. I see to the payment and take the bag once the dresses have been precisely wrapped in tissue paper.
‘I haven’t tried any of the dresses on,’ Ava points out, letting me guide her out of the store.
‘I know this body like the back of my hand.’ I squeeze her hip, and she jolts on a little yelp. ‘They’ll fit, trust me.’
Eyeing the bag, she bites her lip thoughtfully. ‘All of them?’
I know what she’s getting at. The lace number I chose isn’t the only dress I just paid for. ‘I’m only showing some leniency because I’m fucking thrilled that you’ve remembered something else. Consider yourself lucky.’
‘I do feel lucky.’ She’s behind me in a second, climbing onto my back, her face squished to mine. ‘Thank you for the dresses.’
‘Thank you for letting me spoil you.’ I leave the store and walk down the road with Ava clinging to my back, my heart swelling in my chest. Some of this she might be finding hard to wrap her confused mind around, but she’s taking quite well to our normal. It’s more progress. More light in our darkness.
Chapter 34
Ava
When Jesse insisted on taking me to yoga today, I didn’t argue. I could tell he was stunned. But I have a motive. Taking the keys from his hand, I open the car. ‘I’ll drive.’
He snorts, obviously finding my declaration amusing. ‘Absolutely not.’ Reclaiming the keys, he directs me around to the passenger seat.
‘Why not?’ My resistance doesn’t even dent his fortitude.
‘You’re never getting behind a wheel again.’
Ever? Not ever again? ‘What? Why?’
‘Because you don’t need to.’ He jingles the keys under my nose as he pushes me down into the seat and then buckles me up. ‘And I’m looking into getting you a driver.’ He plants a chaste kiss on my cheek and quickly shuts the door before I can protest. And when he lands in the driver’s seat, he keeps his attention forward, ignoring the glare I’m shooting at him. There will be no argument over this. I will be driving again.
Flicking some music on, an obvious ploy to kill the silence, he races off down the street with ‘Sweater Weather’ blaring, tapping the wheel in time to the music.
Until there is no music. He peeks out the corner of his eye as I turn in my seat, my face twisted with disdain. ‘Are you telling me you’re never going to let me drive again?’
‘Yep.’ He flicks the music back on, and I quickly turn it back off. Is he mad?
‘No way, Jesse. You can’t stop me.’
He half coughs, half laughs. ‘Watch me.’ He presses a button on the steering wheel and fills the car with The Neighbourhood again.
‘Watch me,’ I counter over the music, throwing myself back in the seat. ‘If you won’t let me drive anywhere, then I’ll make my own way around, starting today. I’ll get the Tube home. You’re being unreasonable. It was an accident. A one-in-a-million chance. You’re being stupid.’
‘Stupid?’ he coughs. ‘Well, that one-in-a-million chance was my wife, so forgive me if my protective instinct has taken on new heights.’ He slams the button on his steering wheel and shuts the music off, then pulls the car over to the side of the road, prickling from top to toe. So unreasonable. He reaches for my slighted face and turns it towards him. My eyes are thin slits of pissed off. His are narrower.
‘Listen to me, lady,’ he orders, nostrils flaring and all. ‘It is my job to protect you. There’s nothing irrational about wanting to keep you safe, Ava.’ His voice has softened to a mere whisper, his eyes clouding, and I know it’s because he’s thinking about what could have been. ‘Every fear I’ve ever had nearly became a reality. I nearly lost you. So don’t you tell me that I’m being unreasonable or irrational or stupid, do you hear me? You have to let me do my thing or I’ll go crazy mad.’
‘And I’ll go crazy mad if you suffocate me. I need some space, Jesse. If you want me to fall in love with you again, you need to let me do that without stifling me.’ I hate the hurt in his green eyes. Hate it.
His handsome face is splashed with agony, and he swallows, anger mixed up in his expression, too. ‘You can get the Tube.’
I can get the Tube? Like I need permission? Fucking hell, he really is crazy mad. But I still nod, despite being staggered on the inside. ‘Good.’ I sit back and stare out the window as Jesse gets us going again. And I wonder . . .
How did I fall in love with such craziness?
I don’t know. But it’s happening again, and I couldn’t stop it if I tried.
*
The usual peace blankets me when I arrive at Elsie’s. Zara is already waiting in the studio, sitting on her mat. She looks like a pro, all geared up in what I expect is designer yoga gear. ‘I’m feeling a bit frumpy,’ I say, rolling out my mat next to her.
She laughs, soft and low. ‘You look anything but frumpy, Ava.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘I was just passing through the shopping mall and they had a huge sale. Oh!’ She jumps up and scrounges through her bag. ‘I got you one, too.’ She flaps out a black top. ‘You look about the same size as me.’
‘Zara, you shouldn’t have,’ I say, taking the shirt from her hand and kissing her cheek.
‘Give over,’ she brushes it off. ‘It was a fiver in the bargain bin.’
‘I love it.’ Something comes to me. ‘Hey, we should go shopping sometime.’ I will pick my own clothes. My recent shopping adventure might have turned out wonderfully, but that was only because my brain decided to let me remember something. I realise it could have been very different.
Her eyes sparkle. ‘Oh my God, yes.’
‘Come on, chatterboxes.’ Elsie floats across the room, giving us a playful, disapproving look. ‘It doesn’t sound very peaceful in here today.’
I give Zara an oopsie look, and we both settle on our mats and close our eyes.
Peace. It’s quickly found again, and I let it roll over me.
Towards the end of the session, I’m flat on my back, sprawled out, my body weightless. I’m completely zoned out, so calm, so when images start to flicker through my mind, I don’t jerk with shock or panic. Instead, I remain still, absorbing the distorted, blurry visions as if I’m watching them from an old-fashioned projector. Visions of Jesse, and for the first time, of Maddie and Jacob. I feel my eyes squeezing, trying to hold on to the picture of them lying on Jesse’s chest, tiny little bundles, their daddy’s face buried between their heads. I feel a tear trickle down the side of my face, swishing around in my ear. And then the images are gone. But they’re not gone. They will never be gone.
‘Ava?’ A gentle touch rests on my shoulder, and I blink my eyes open, finding Zara suspended above me.
It takes me
a while to grasp my bearings, and I see Elsie leaving the room. ‘I think I fell asleep.’ My voice is thick, and I’m unsure if it’s with emotion or sleepiness.
Zara smiles, her friendly face so happy. ‘You’re right. Elsie is amazing!’ She rises to her feet, pouting, now looking disappointed. ‘I was hoping we could do coffee, but I just picked up an e-mail from work. Some silly problem with a project I have to get sorted.’
‘That’s fine. I can’t do coffee today, anyway.’ I can’t? Why can’t I? I can, and I should, though today I’ll be doing it on my own. I can go for a coffee on my own, no problem. I should do something on my own.
‘No?’
‘My husband . . .’ I stop myself from saying something that would give entirely the wrong impression. ‘We’ve had a rough time lately. He’s a bit protective. He worries about me.’ I shrug.
‘Oh no.’ She pouts. ‘I’ll call you. We’ll make those plans, and you can tell me all about it.’
I smile, though I’m not too enthusiastic about her suggestion. The thing I love most about coffee with Zara is the fact that I don’t have to talk about my woes, because she doesn’t know of them. ‘That would be good.’
‘Thanks so much for letting me hijack your session, Ava. It means so much.’ She kisses my cheek and breezes away, leaving me in the room alone. Maybe it’s silly, but I close my eyes again, hoping the memories will come back to me. But after a good five minutes, I give up, telling myself to be happy with what I got.
I leave Elsie with a grateful kiss and head outside, set to go and process the session on my own with a coffee, but when I make it into the fresh air, I find Jesse waiting.
He’s pouting at me from where he’s standing by the car, his puppy-dog eyes pleading with me not to be mad at him. I stop in my tracks and cock my head, pursing my lips in fake disapproval.
‘I love you.’ He gives me a stupid goofy grin, like those three simple words are the answer for everything. Truth be told, they are.
I can’t possibly be mad with the big softy. I’m too elated by the effect the past hour with Elsie has had and the fact that something came to me. So instead of ripping a strip off him, I step into his big body and hug him fiercely. I can tell he’s shocked at my easy acquiescence because it takes him a couple of seconds to return my cuddle. ‘Where the hell is my wife?’
I smile and pull back, beaming up at him. ‘I saw you.’ I have to stop myself from springing around the street like a jack-in-the-box. ‘I was so spaced out, and I saw you in my mind. It was so clear. I saw you holding the twins when they were born.’
‘Really?’ His face is ablaze with happiness as he picks me up and swings me around in the middle of the street. I laugh, not feeling in the least bit dizzy. Because my eyes are on his.
Chapter 35
It’s Saturday, the day of Raya and Drew’s engagement party. As I swish the bubbles in the bath, I run over my plan again, from beginning to end. Every bit involves spoiling my wife rotten. Lavishing her with affection and attention. Making her feel like the queen she is to me.
When the bath is at the perfect level of water and bubbles, I flip off the tap and strip down to nothing. Then I wander quietly into the bedroom, watching her nap peacefully atop the bedcovers as I approach. It pains me to wake her, but I need to kick my plan into action or we’ll be late for Drew and Raya’s party. Kneeling by the bed, I take the single calla lily from the vase on the night table and rest my lips on hers. She stretches and moans, reaching for my naked shoulders. Her touch creates instant flames on my skin. Opening her eyes sleepily, she smiles at the flower and takes it, smelling it lazily before resting it on the bed next to her.
‘Time for a bath, baby,’ I whisper, sliding my arms under her and lifting her from the bed. She snuggles into me as I carry her to the tub, sleepy and warm in my arms. She feels lighter, and as I think back over the time since I brought her home from hospital, she hasn’t once finished a meal. In fact, she’s mostly just pushed the food around her plate. Damn, we need to fix that. I should have been more forceful.
I set her on her feet and start stripping her down, being slow enough to give her time to fully wake before I lower her into the bath. My eyes are scanning every inch of her flesh that’s revealed, searching for signs of protruding bones. There. Right there. I reach forward and brush my palm across her hip, frowning.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘You’ve lost too much weight.’ She’s still beautiful, the most beautiful thing I’ve ever set eyes on, but she’s definitely thinner. How could I have let this happen? ‘I need to feed you.’ I break away and find her robe, opening it up for her to slip her arms in.
She ignores the material hanging from my hands and gives me her eyes. ‘But I’m not hungry.’
‘I don’t care. You need to eat.’ I drape the robe over her shoulders, but she pulls away, giving me a warning look. ‘Stop it.’
‘Stop what?’
‘Worrying. If I’m hungry, I’ll eat.’ Taking the robe from my hand, she tosses it aside, never taking her firm stare from my affronted one. ‘Don’t curl your lip at me, Jesse Ward.’ A finger comes up and points at my mouth, and I recoil, trying to get my wayward lip under control. I can’t.
Seizing her hand, I wrestle it back down, replacing it with my finger pointed at her. She isn’t winning this one. No way. ‘You’re eating, end of.’ I swoop in and claim her, to hell with the robe. She’ll eat naked. You won’t hear me complaining.
‘Jesse!’ Her naked flesh rubbing all over my naked flesh does nothing to help me keep my focus. Food is my focus. Lots of food. Though my dick doesn’t agree, clearly hungry itself. My scowl is now pointing to my groin, demanding it behave, as I hoof Ava out of the bathroom.
‘Put me down!’ Fingernails find my arse and sink in.
‘You fucking savage!’ I half yelp, half yell, hearing her giggling, her claws going to town, digging further in. ‘Ava!’ I’m forced to release her and rub away the soreness, while she titters before me, flicking her hair over her shoulder.
‘I’m not hungry,’ she affirms, passing me, heading back to the bathroom.
‘Ava!’
‘Fuck you, Jesse. I’m not damn well hungry.’
My rubbing hands stop, my dick now totally limp. Stalking after her, fuming mad by her disregard for her health, as well as her vulgar mouth, I charge into the bathroom to find Ava has one foot in the bath, her eyes on me at the door. My scowl deepens. Her smirk widens. It’s adorable and infuriating all at once. ‘Watch your fucking mouth.’
That smirk gets even wider, and my fury is diluted some more by the sight. ‘Fuck you,’ she whispers. She’s playing the game, testing me. Silly girl.
‘Three . . .’ It just comes right on out, my smirk now matching hers.
‘Fuck.’ Another whisper.
I take one step forward, now too thrilled by her playfulness to let her language bother me all that much. ‘Two . . .’
Taking her foot from the water, she folds her arms across her chest, wedging her boobs up high, creating a cleavage that serves as a magnet. My eyes fall, my mouth suddenly watering, my cock hardening. ‘Next?’
‘One,’ I answer, my stare still firmly on her chest.
‘And next?’ She unfolds her arms and cups her boobs.
I hitch an eyebrow, looking up to her face through my lashes. My smile, the one reserved only for my girl, spreads across my face, and she delights in it, eyes beaming at me. Fucking hell, I love this woman so much. She has the ability to distract me, with only a simple smile. Now I just want to eat her up myself.
She reigns supreme. She is my world. My life. My day, my night, my air, water and fire. Fuck, what would I ever do without her? I’d die of a broken heart, I just know it. Turn to dust. Fade to nothing. My damn heart slows just thinking about it, and in a moment of brief panic, the feelings very real, I move forward, ste
aling a kiss, if only to reassure myself that I still have her. And I keep my eyes open, too, as does she, staring deeply into mine. It’s a peaceful kiss. A lazy, soft, searching kiss. It’s the coming together of two people who are on the same page, and then she speaks and confirms we really are.
‘I’m here,’ she assures me, and I welcome the cuddle she takes me in, maintaining this all-consuming kiss.
‘Let me take care of you,’ I beg, slowing down our pace until our lips are simply touching, the heat still raging. ‘Let me spoil you and love you with all the power I have.’
‘But I’m not hungry.’ She sighs, feeling across my back as I pout at her, showing my true disappointment. ‘Not for food anyway. And when I am, I’ll eat, I promise.’
‘Ava—’
Her finger lands on my lips, hushing me. ‘But I’m constantly hungry for you. For your voice, your words, your need to take care of me.’ She smiles a little, almost shyly. I keep my mouth firmly shut, desperate for more of this. Her hunger. ‘I know exactly why I fell in love with you, even if I don’t remember doing it. Because it’s happening all over again.’
There’s a wobble in her voice, and I’m certain there would be in mine if I were to speak. She’s falling in love with me. I gulp down the relieved emotion crawling up my throat.
‘You are the most passionate man I’ve ever met, and you keep it all for me and the children. I can see that. Everything you do, you do it with such intensity. Whether you’re mad. Or if you’re playing. Or making love to me. Or simply loving me. It’s all so passionate, and I love it. I love that the children and I are the centre of your world. That you love us with a power that’s sometimes a little overwhelming. What woman wouldn’t want to be loved with that much intensity?’
Her palms land on my cheeks, her thumb catching a single teardrop as it tumbles. I feel suffocated by my happiness, because for the first time, I see true hope past the possibility of her never finding her memory. She can fall in love with me again. Our love flourished because it was supposed to. Because we were meant to find each other. That hasn’t changed.