Insider (Exodus End 1)

know how the woman was connected to the band or why she seemed bent on hurting them all, and Steve in particular. Toni was pretty sure Reagan and the rest of them had been caught in the crossfire. Or maybe Susan got off on destroying lives. She’d certainly tried to ruin Toni’s.

When she rounded the corner to the kitchen, all the joy she’d felt at reconciling with Logan was ripped from her in an instant. Her feet rooted to the floor. She couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. The words coming from Logan’s mouth as he knelt over Birdie’s crumpled body and held his ear close to her mouth sounded distant, as though Toni was watching the nightmare in her kitchen from a different dimension.

“She’s breathing,” he said, “but I can scarcely feel her heartbeat.”

“Joanna, call 9-1-1. Have them send an ambulance,” Mom said. She dropped to her knees next to Birdie and pressed her ear to Birdie’s chest. “She was born with a heart defect. They did surgery soon after she was born, but she hasn’t had many problems since.”

“Should we start CPR?” Logan asked while Toni stood frozen in the doorway.

This was not happening. Not happening. Not happening. She couldn’t lose Birdie. Couldn’t lose her. No.

“Her heart’s beating,” Mom said. “Doesn’t sound regular to me. Go get Toni. She’s taken CPR classes; she’ll know what to do.”

But she didn’t know. She didn’t know anything.

Logan jumped to his feet and noticed Toni standing in the doorway, clinging to the ribbons of half a dozen balloons.

“Toni?”

She sucked in a panicked breath. This was just like Dad. She was too late. Daddy was gone. He’d been gone before she’d arrived. She’d been too late to help him. Too late to save him.

Staring wide-eyed at Logan, she shook her head repeatedly. “Not Birdie.”

“Toni! Snap out of it,” Logan demanded. “What should we do?”

The ribbons slipped from her grasp, and the balloons rose to the ceiling, bouncing off the rafters with soft thuds.

“Ambulance is on its way,” Grandma said. “They said if her heart has stopped, we should start CPR.”

“I’m starting chest compressions,” Mom said, linking her hands in a fist.

“Wait,” Toni said. “You said she was breathing.”

Logan nodded. “She is.”

“Then she doesn’t need CPR. It could do more harm than good.” Toni rushed to her sister’s side and dropped to her knees. She could see Birdie’s chest rising and falling. She placed her hand over Birdie’s chest and she could feel her heart beating, but the organ was stumbling over itself irregularly. Something wasn’t right, but this wasn’t like what happened with Daddy at all. Birdie wasn’t gone.

“Birdie,” Toni called in a soothing voice, rubbing the center of Birdie’s chest gently. “Birdie, open your eyes.”

Birdie’s face twitched as if she were trying to open her eyes but couldn’t quite get a grasp on consciousness.

Logan knelt at Birdie’s head and stroked stray strands of hair from her forehead. “Hey there, princess, you’d better listen to your sister. She’s worried about you. Open your eyes.”

“Toni?” Birdie said, and she reached for the nearest hand, which happened to be Mom’s.

Toni sucked in a gasping breath of relief. “Yes, Buttercup, I’m here.”

“Oh, thank God,” Mom said. She lifted Birdie’s hand to her lips, kissing each of her stubby little fingers, her palm, her wrist.

“Is she okay?” Grandma Joanna asked, her knee brushing Toni’s shoulder as she leaned over to look down. “She’s coming around,” Grandma said to the 9-1-1 operator she still had on the phone.

Birdie’s eyes blinked open, and she stared up at Logan, who must have appeared upside down to her. She then turned her head slightly to look at Toni. “Did Logan come to take you away again?”

Toni closed her eyes to keep her tears from falling and shook her head. “No, baby. He’s just visiting.”

She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. If hearing those words hurt him even half as much as it hurt her to say them, she expected to find him lying gutted on the floor. But as much as she loved him, she couldn’t leave Birdie. Not now. Maybe not ever. He had to understand why.

“How are you feeling, Buttercup?” Toni pried her eyes open, but couldn’t see through the blur of her tears.

“I feel tired,” she said. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m just so happy you’re okay.” And still so sick with worry she felt like she was going to throw up. What was taking the ambulance so long?

“Why are you crying, Mommy?”

“Because I thought I’d missed my chance to be a good mommy to you.”

Birdie smiled at her. “But you’re already the best mommy.”

Mom shook her head. “No. No, I’m not. But I promise I’m going to be.” She sniffed loudly and clutched Birdie’s hand to her chest. “I promise.”

Birdie tilted her head back and looked at Logan. “Why are you crying, Logan?”

“Onions,” he said, lifting the hem of his shirt to wipe his eyes. “I hate those things.”

Toni leaned her forehead against his shoulder to hide a smile and somehow ended up in his arms. She hadn’t realized how much she needed a comforting hug until she was smashed against his hard chest.

“She’ll be okay,” he whispered.

And she believed him. Birdie would be fine. But would Toni be okay when he had to go back on tour and she had to figure out how to get by without him?

“Toni?” Birdie said. “Can I get off the floor now?”

Toni released her hold on Logan and settled her fingertips against Birdie’s cheek.

“You need to lie still until the ambulance gets here. The doctors need to check you out.”

“I don’t wanna ride in the ambalance.”

“I want to ride in the ambulance,” Logan said. “They’re so cool, all the other cars have to move over and let them go first. Even big trucks have to get out of their way.”

“They do?” Birdie stared up at him with utter adoration. And yeah, Toni knew the feeling.

“Yep.”

“Then you can ride it.”

“Ladies and princesses first,” he said.

Birdie beamed at him. Mom touched his shoulder and mouthed thank you. Logan winked at her.

When the ambulance wailed into their drive, Grandma rushed out to meet them. Toni stepped aside to give the paramedics room to work, but Mom sat beside Birdie on the floor the entire time.

“Her ECG indicates a heart block,” a paramedic told Mom. “There should be an extra bump here and not all these squiggles there.”

Mom paled, and Toni leaned against Logan for support.

“So it is her heart,” Mom said.

“Easily treatable,” he said. “But you don’t want to delay.”

“The heart doctors at Children’s Hospital are going to fix your ticker,” the other paramedic said to Birdie. “And then you’ll feel good as new.”

“I’m already good as new,” Birdie insisted.

“Do you want someone to ride with you in the ambulance?” the medic asked.

“Yes.” Birdie’s eyes immediately went to Toni, who was still leaning against Logan. He had his arm around her shoulders and his jaw pressed against the side of her head. Toni started to draw away from him, anticipating her sister’s request, but Birdie’s gaze darted to Mom. “I want Mommy to come with me.”

Mom blinked at her, looking as stunned as Toni felt.

“You’re sure?” Mom asked.

Birdie nodded and didn’t protest once as she was put on a gurney and loaded into the ambulance.

“We’ll follow and meet you there,” Logan said to Mom. Toni tried waving at Birdie through the open ambulance door, but she was talking to the paramedic about the squiggles on her ECG. The second paramedic shut the door and rushed around to the driver’s seat. They sped off with lights flashing, but left the siren off.

It was a small bit of comfort that the sirens had been deemed unnecessary.

“You okay?” Logan asked as Toni stood watching until the ambulance pulled onto the main road.

“I’m worried sick, but the paramedics seemed to think Birdie would be okay.”

“I meant about her requesting your mom to accompany her.”

Toni shrugged as if to say she didn’t care, but she did care. She wanted Birdie and Mom to be closer, and this was a good sign that their relationship was strengthening. So why had it hurt so much when Birdie had chosen Mom to ride with her in the ambulance?

“Let’s get going,” she said.

Grandma secured the dogs, Toni grabbed her purse, Logan made a quick stop in the bathroom, and the three of them headed toward Seattle in the borrowed muscle car. Toni couldn’t bring herself to talk much during the hour-long trip and doubted Logan would ever know how much comfort he brought her by holding her hand whenever he wasn’t shifting gears.

At the hospital, they found Birdie had already been admitted and had seen a cardiologist. “They’re going to put a place maker in me right here.” Birdie rubbed a spot near her left shoulder.

“Pacemaker,” Mom corrected. “They’re trying to get her surgery scheduled for next week. She’ll only have to stay one night.”

“What caused her problem all of a sudden?” Toni asked, sitting on the edge of Birdie’s bed and stroking her hair.

“They want to do more tests, but the doctor said it’s probably scar tissue from the surgery she had as a baby. Since she’s growing, it’s now blocking the electrical signals in her heart. At least that’s what they think is going on. Whatever the cause, she definitely needs a pacemaker.”

“So I guess you won’t be coming with me to New York,” Logan said.

“I’m not sure the band even wants me to come back on tour.” But no, she wasn’t going off to have a great time with Logan and the band while her little sister was undergoing surgery. Birdie was only nine. She had to be terrified.

“I had a band meeting with myself and you’re welcome to come back with us. When you’re ready, of course. No pressure.”

“I don’t want you to stay, Toni,” Birdie said. “I want you to go with Logan. Logan makes you happy.”

“Buttercup, being with you makes me happy too.”

“I already made you happy for a long time. It’s Logan’s turn now. Mommy will take care of me. And Granny Jo too.”

“You can fly back for her surgery next week,” Grandma Joanna said.

Toni was completely torn. She didn’t think she could concentrate on working on the book when Birdie was facing heart surgery.

“I be fine, Toni. Really.”

“I know you will, Buttercup, but what about the chickens? You won’t be able to carry their food until you heal.”

“If I can build a multimillion-dollar company, I’m sure I can figure out how to feed a few chickens,” Mom said.

Mom had left out the part about running that multimillion-dollar company into the ground. The chickens might not stand a chance.

“I’m here to help too,” Grandma reminded her. “You can have your own life, Toni, and still be there for Birdie.”

“And I do have a private jet at my disposal if you need to return in a hurry,” Logan said. “At least until we start touring Europe next month. You are coming with us, right?”

“I don’t even have a passport.” Why did she feel like everyone was trying to get rid of her? Or maybe they really did have her happiness in mind.

“You can get it before we leave if you put a rush order on it,” Logan said. “I’m sure Butch could line one up for you.”

Butch could probably line up a whole new identity for her if she needed one. “I don’t know.”

She wanted to be with Logan, wanted to finish the book, wanted to hang out with the band—assuming Reagan didn’t try to kill her—but what if she was gone and something dreadful happened to Birdie? Something even worse than her collapsing and discovering she needed a pacemaker implanted.

“Please go, Toni,” Birdie said. “I want to be an aunt. So you need to have a baby. I like babies.”

Logan’s comforting arm dropped from Toni’s shoulders, and he swiveled his head to gawk at her. He probably thought Toni had put that crazy idea in Birdie’s head, but Toni had no idea where this was coming from. She did know she didn’t want to upset Birdie in her weakened state, so she’d try a little mollification first. Then she’d move on to a blatant “no way in hell” if necessary.

“I don’t think it’s a good time for me to have a baby, Birdie,” Toni said.

“When is a good time? Tomorrow?”

Toni chuckled. “No, not tomorrow either.”

“But you love Logan, right?”

“With all my heart.”

“And you said when a man and woman love each other, then they can have a baby.”

Logan began to inch away.

Toni cringed. “I did say that. But it takes nine months to have a baby.”

Birdie’s eyes bulged. “That’s a long time, Toni!”

“So you’ll have to wait. A long, long time.” Way longer than nine months, but Toni would like to make Birdie an aunt someday. And she was almost giddy thinking about how adorable Logan’s babies would be.

“You can make me a calendar and I can mark the days with an X.”

“If I’m blessed with a baby in the future, I’ll make you a calendar,” Toni said, “but sometimes babies arrive early and sometimes they show up late.”

“That’s weird,” Birdie said.

“Are you actually considering this?” Logan sputtered.

“Not anytime soon.” She closed the distance between them, took his hand, and leaned her head against his shoulder. She gazed up at him adoringly, as if he could make all her dreams come true if he granted her wish for a child of her own. In actuality, she was just fucking with him to see how he’d react. “But I do eventually want children. Don’t you?”

Three additional sets of feminine eyes turned on him, imploring him for an answer. “Maybe,” he said. “I don’t know. I sure wouldn’t make a very good dad.”

Toni squeezed his hand. “I’ve seen how you are with Birdie. You’d be a great father. But don’t worry, I’m not in any hurry, and if you don’t want kids, I can find someone else to have babies with.”

Logan glanced around at Toni’s menagerie of relatives and then took her by the elbow and promptly escorted her out of the room and into the hallway.

“What the hell was that supposed to mean?” he said in an angry whisper. “Are you considering a future that doesn’t include me?”

Toni opened her mouth to tell him she’d been joking, but he didn’t let her get a word in.

“How can you even consider having babies with some other man? Don’t you know that means you’ll have to have sex with someone else?”

Toni chuckled. “Relax, Logan. I don’t want another man’s babies. I don’t want any babies right now. But someday I’d like to have half a dozen curly-haired, blue-eyed baby Logans and Loganettes.” She anticipated him turning away and running for freedom since they hadn’t talked about their distant future. But he didn’t run. He didn’t even take a step back. He cupped her face between shaking hands and held her gaze for an intense moment.

“You want to have my babies?” he croaked.

“Someday,” she said, wrapping her arms around his back and tugging him closer. “But not any time soon. I’ve heard the little buggers really interrupt a couple’s sex life, and I still have a lot to learn.”

He laughed. “Are you sure you don’t want to try out some other guy before you pledge forever to me?”

“Do you want me to try out another guy?”

“Fuck no,” he said. “I’d have to kill him and then where would we be? Occasional conjugal visits while I serve time.”

She grinned and shook her head at him, knowing he was pulling her leg. “I don’t want another guy.

I’ve already had the best, why settle for the rest?”