“Cam didn’t say goodbye?” Mark asked. “That’s kind of shitty.”
“He doesn’t owe me anything,” I said, shaking my head. “My mom made sure that I remembered that.”
“What do you mean?” Mark asked, frowning. “What did she say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Maybe Lily had good reason for not showing up,” Mark said reasonably. “Maybe she wanted to be here.”
“Just stop,” I said, my voice almost pleading as any frustration I’d felt was replaced with weariness. “She didn’t come to see me because I was an asshole, okay? Before I left, I was an asshole. Not once—all the time. I was unhappy and I made everyone around me as unhappy as I was. She didn’t want anything to do with me the last time I was home, and she doesn’t want anything to do with me now.”
“That was years ago,” he said softly, getting to his feet. “How long do you think you need to be punished for that?”
“I left,” I replied, taking a step back as he reached for me. “I wasn’t ever punished for it. I left and I never had to atone for any of it.”
“You don’t think banishment was atonement?” he asked softly.
“Banishment?” I scoffed.
“Yeah.” His eyes were kind as he stood there, letting me have my space. “There’s a reason why it was a punishment used by different cultures around the world. Separating a person from their family and everything they’ve ever known is one of the most painful punishments there is.”
“I was the one who left,” I reminded him around the lump in my throat.
“Which is even worse,” he said gently. “Because you did it to yourself.”
I dropped my face into my hands as his words sunk in. The first sob was a hiccup, but as he wrapped his arms around me, I lost it.
He was right.
I had been punishing myself. I’d been keeping myself away because I’d known how awful I’d been, and I couldn’t stand to take my family down the dark hole with me. I felt like I’d deserved to be alone. That I’d deserved to be separate from my family and the people who loved me, but had no idea what to do with me. Hell, I still felt that way. They didn’t deserve to deal with the mess I was in. It was my mess.
God, it hurt that Lily hadn’t come to see me. I couldn’t imagine not being the first one out of the clubhouse doors the minute she arrived if the roles were reversed. Even the thought of something bad happening to her made me panicky. In the early days in San Diego, I’d let the anxiety of not being there if she needed me swirl around in my brain until it was nearly debilitating, and I’d had to find out ways to cope so that my thoughts wouldn’t even go there. I’d gotten the fear under control until the last time I was home, when she’d been caught in a house fire. I’d been one of the first people at the hospital then, so frantic to make sure she was okay that I’d parked behind the ambulance and they’d towed my rental car. The never-ending fear cycle had started up all over again when I’d gone back to California. It was a nightmare.
So, the fact that she’d refused to even pretend to care whether or not I was home safe made nausea burn in my stomach. Did she really still hate me that much? Even after I’d apologized and tried to make things right? I’d barely spoken to her outside the holidays when my parents passed the phone around when I called, but I thought we’d figured things out the last time I’d seen her.
“Shh,” Mark said, his hand running soothingly over the back of my head. “It’s okay, baby. Shh. You’re gonna make yourself sick.”
He shushed me over and over again, but he never let go or stopped running his hand over my hair until I’d cried myself out.
“I’m done,” I finally rasped out just as Olive began to stir. I wiped at my face as I pulled out of his arms.
“Hey,” he said, catching me before I could turn away. His hand cupped my cheek as our eyes met. “Everyone’s done shit they’re not proud of, Cec. Give yourself some grace, yeah?”
“I’ll try,” I replied.
He huffed. “Good enough.” Leaning down, he pressed his lips softly against mine. “I’m gonna go get our stuff out of the truck. You need anything while I’m out there?”
“Could you grab me some water?” I asked.
“Of course. Be right back.” After stealing another kiss, he left the room.
Turning to Olive, I sighed. I hated that everything about her first month of life was being overshadowed by the monster stalking us. Even introducing her to my family felt strange. I wasn’t ready to show her off, comfortable in our surroundings and sure of our welcome. Even with the older crowd welcoming me back warmly, I still felt like an interloper.