“Jesus Christ,” Rose muttered as she looked up and saw us.
I ignored her. I wasn’t there for her. Not pausing, I made my way toward Lily.
“Hey,” I said, searching her face. I’d been so concerned with getting to her, I hadn’t planned on what I would actually say to her when I got there. I stood there, dumbly, taking in her tight mouth and terrified eyes.
“You came,” she said, her voice flat.
“Of course I did,” I said, reaching out to run my hand down her arm. “I knew you must be freaking out, and I—”
“I know it isn’t fair,” she said slowly. “I know it isn’t your fault. But I can’t deal with you right now.”
I could’ve dealt with anger. I could’ve handled vindictive words and spite. I’d been braced and waiting for them. The unemotional way she dismissed me was a thousand times worse. It took everything inside me to hide how badly it hurt.
“You should go,” Rose said from her place beside Mack.
I glanced toward her and saw Tommy’s unsympathetic look and Heather’s sympathetic one. With a nod, I took a stumbling step backward.
“You can’t deal with her right now?” Mark said, his voice low and scary.
“Don’t,” I mumbled, tightening my fingers hard around his.
“What exactly can’t you deal with?” he asked, ignoring me. “Your sister’s concern for you? The fact that she showed up here, knowin’ how you’d treat her, and she came anyway?”
“Mark,” I hissed, staring at the ground, wishing it would swallow me.
“Maybe you can’t deal with the fact that if she hadn’t used her body to shield your man, you’d be preparin’ for a funeral right now?” he said, his voice still low with fury.
“What?” Lily asked in confusion.
“Oh, nobody told you that, huh?” Mark said nastily. “Surprise, fuckin’ surprise. Instead of runnin’ away, like a fuckin’ sane person would do—your sister ran into the middle of shit to protect Leo—and got shot in the back for it.”
“Enough,” I ground out, pulling at Mark’s hand. “Let’s just go.”
“None of it would’ve even happened if she hadn’t come running back to us for protection,” Rose pointed out, coming forward.
“Don’t get me started on you,” Mark said, his body practically vibrating. “You and your man were at the clubhouse. You got no skin in this game—”
“This is my family,” Rose argued.
“It’s also Cecilia’s family,” Mark shot back. “And you’ve got a lot to say, for someone who’d be dead, too, if not for her.”
“Fuck you,” Rose spat.
“No, fuck you,” Mark said as the group noticed what was happening and moved in to get control of the situation. “Cecilia saved your ass and you know it—standin’ frozen until she pulled you behind that tree. Gettin’ shot for her trouble then, too.”
“She didn’t get shot,” Rose said. She looked at me. “You didn’t get shot.”
“For fuck’s sake,” Mark said to me. “You didn’t tell anyone?”
“It was a graze,” I said quietly, still pulling on his hand. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s go.”
I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted to go. I knew what he was trying to do, and I understood the purity behind it, but I wanted to escape. It felt like I was being peeled, layer by layer, and somehow, these people were seeing parts of me that weren’t for public consumption. Somehow, Mark’s words were twisting situations, turning what I’d done on instinct into some sort of heroism. It wasn’t that. It had never been that. If I’d thought about what I was going to do, I would’ve saved myself first. Everyone knew that.
“You were shot that day?” my dad asked, disbelief threading through his words. “What?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to make things worse for you,” I said to Lily, ignoring my dad. “We’ll go.”
“You were shot back then,” she said, watching me closely. “And you never said anything?”
“Everyone was dealing with enough,” I replied.
“God, CeeCee,” she said, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose. “You saved Rose. We all knew you did, but—”
“I thought she was you,” I blurted, the biggest secret of my life pouring out of my mouth like I had no control of it. “All I saw was her hair, and I just grabbed her. I thought it was you, okay? So, just leave it.”
“You didn’t say anything because you thought she was me?” Lily asked dubiously.
“It was an accident,” I ground out, taking a step backward. “I didn’t mean to save her.”
“You still did,” she pointed out, throwing her arms out to the sides in disbelief. “Why wouldn’t you tell anyone that you were hurt?”
“You were hurt worse,” I said, trying to make her understand. “I didn’t get to you.”
“CeeCee,” Lily said softly in understanding, her eyes filling with tears. “You couldn’t have gotten to me. I wasn’t anywhere near you.”
I shook my head again. I didn’t need to hear about it. I didn’t even want to think about it.