Before You

He said good-bye, and we hung up, my phone instantly switching to the Home screen where I clicked on my texts.

When I saw Billie’s name, everything in my goddamn body started to jump.

Billie: Thanks again for last night. You’re amazing, Jared.

I left my phone on the desk, and I walked out of my office.

FORTY-EIGHT

HONEY

FALL 1986

SINCE THE LARGE medical building was only a few blocks from Honey and Andrew’s condo, they decided to walk, holding hands the entire way to their appointment. Once they arrived at the front entrance, Andrew escorted his wife to the fourth floor where Dr. Katz’s office was located, the leading OB/GYN in Portland. After they entered, they gave their name to the receptionist, and she handed Honey a clipboard, telling her to fill out each sheet in its entirety.

After Honey had gone to the lab for bloodwork yesterday, she hadn’t been able to sleep all night, tossing and turning from the thought of what was going to happen today. She hadn’t even closed her eyes, too afraid of what she might dream. Since the at-home tests were known to report false positives, she wouldn’t believe she was pregnant until her doctor confirmed it.

But the unknown came with the worst mental churning she’d ever felt.

While Honey waited for their name to be called, she filled out all the paperwork, describing her painful fourteen-month history in detail. She was surprised by how much she had written. How many times she’d gotten excited over being a few days late for her period. How her entire life had revolved around trying to get pregnant.

When she finished the last question and returned the clipboard, she put her hand over her stomach during the walk back to her seat. She even kept it there while her other fingers clung to Andrew’s, and she glanced around the waiting room. They shared the space with two other women who Honey suspected were a few years older than her and at much further stages of their pregnancy. One had a toddler with her.

Honey wondered if there would be a day when she returned to this office with a child at her side, another growing in her belly. But that thought came with so many questions. Will it take her as long to get pregnant the second time? Can she mentally go through it again? Because there was a strong chance that she wasn’t even pregnant now.

She took her hand off her stomach, and since she was already holding her husband, she gripped the bottom of the chair.

Fortunately, they didn’t have to wait long. Not even twenty minutes later, Honey was dressed in a cotton gown, lying on the exam table while Andrew sat at her side. From the minute Dr. Katz came into the room, she began asking questions, and all of them Honey answered.

Now that they were discussing the timeline of events, Andrew was the one talking. Honey listened as her husband described their history of trying to get pregnant. It was accurate, even down to the dates and how they had tracked when she was ovulating and the few times she had been several days late, but then blood came.

What Andrew didn’t tell Dr. Katz were the moments Honey had experienced in the bathroom. When she looked down and saw red on the inside of her panties.

What that felt like.

How badly those tears stung her cheeks.

How she tucked herself into the tightest ball and rocked over the tiled floor, asking her body why it was failing her, why it couldn’t give her what she wanted.

Andrew wouldn’t know about those times. He had been at work when they happened because Honey just couldn’t share that part with him.

“I think I have everything I need for now,” Dr. Katz said as she rose from the stool, placing Honey’s chart on the counter. She walked over to the table, rubbing her hands together as though she was trying to warm them. “I’m just going to feel around your stomach, and then we’ll do the ultrasound.”

Even though she’d put her hair up after it felt too suffocating to leave it down, sweat formed on the back of Honey’s neck.

“Just breathe normally,” Dr. Katz told her as she gently pressed different spots on Honey’s abdomen. Her fingers moved in a circular motion before she slid a few inches and repeated the action. “Honey, please take a breath.”

The reminder made Honey realize she was holding her air in, not letting any of it go.