Before You

His hand dropped down, and when it reached her belly, she slapped it away. Then, she leaned into the bowl, and bile began to come through her lips.

Andrew held the hair out of his wife’s face, and with the softest voice, he said, “It’ll subside once we put something in your stomach. The reason you’re so nauseous is—”

“No.” Her face was now resting on the ceramic seat, but she turned her head to look at him.

The back of her throat burned; her tongue felt almost too thick to speak. During each breath, Andrew would rub a circle over Honey’s back, every arch of his fingers making her feel queasier.

“Andrew …” The tears were taking ahold of her now, and she felt them move past her chest and into her stomach. “It’s gone.” Her hand went over her mouth right before she choked out a sob.

He searched her eyes, clasping her cheek. “No, baby. Not from throwing up. It can’t happen that way.”

It felt like Honey’s chest was cracking down the center. Seeing his eyes made the breaking of her skin hurt even worse.

“It didn’t happen from throwing up, Andrew.”

Pain shot across his face as fast as a bullet.

Honey didn’t just see it; she felt it.

And when it hit, it felt the same way as when she had been in the doctor’s office this morning.

He still rubbed, but his circles came harder and faster. “I’m sure it was just spotting. There’s no reason to panic.”

“Andrew …” Honey gasped, the burning in her mouth becoming too much. “Dr. Katz confirmed it.”

Suddenly, there was stillness.

“My love,” he said so softly, and his head dropped.

Honey wanted to cry out with the loudest wail, but she kept it in, and her body shook from it.

“Why didn’t you call me, baby?” His fingers moved to the back of her head.

“You were at the airport.”

He gently lifted her away from the toilet and pulled her into his arms, holding her against his body while he swayed back and forth.

“I was walking,” she whispered, her face hidden between his shoulder and neck. “Just getting outside for some fresh air.” She’d told the story to Dr. Katz because she needed to know if she had done something wrong. Now, she was telling her husband because she wanted him to know how her body had failed them once again. “Something felt wrong.” She shook her head in the little space she had. “Like I had wet myself …” She held him so tightly; she knew she was making him tremble. But she had to go on, and this was the way she had to do it. “I was a block from Dr. Katz’s office. I went there.” She wanted so badly to look at her husband, but she couldn’t bring herself to. She couldn’t see his eyes at the same time she felt the emptiness in her stomach. “And that’s when she told me … I’d miscarried, and I had a D and C.”

She didn’t say anything to Andrew about the after. The part where her clothes had been too bloody to wear home and the nurses had helped her cover in several dressing gowns and one had driven her to their condo. How she had taken a shower and watched the white tub turn pink.

She said nothing about returning to the bathroom floor, a place she knew all too well, a corner where she’d rocked for many, many months.

“I love you.”

She rubbed her eyes over him, feeling the fabric of his shirt become soaked.

“We’re going to get through this.”

The nurses and doctor had told her miscarriages were common.

But to Honey, it was just a reminder that her body couldn’t have a baby.

“I promise.”

That was the last thing he said to her that night.

It was also the first time she ever doubted him.

FIFTY-THREE

BILLIE

THE RINGING of my phone was what woke me up out of a dead sleep. I rolled away from Jared, making sure the sound was the one I had programmed specifically for my father, and when I heard it again, I got up. I followed the noise until I found my phone several feet away on the floor.

“Hi, Dad,” I whispered, holding my cell against my ear. “Is everything okay?” I didn’t want to wake Jared, so I tiptoed into his bathroom and shut the door behind me.