Before You

I’d asked for this.

I’d put myself in this situation.

I had known from the beginning there was an expiration date on us. A relationship between Billie and me couldn’t work permanently. That was why I’d fought it, why I’d battled like hell in my head. But the more time we spent together, the more I learned how perfect she was for me, and I just hadn’t been strong enough to stay away.

Or to stop myself from falling in love with her.

As she walked into my condo, every fear I’d had confirmed, it hurt like hell to know, after only six months, we were already here. At the end. And the look on her face told me I’d shattered her heart.

I couldn’t despise myself worse.

But I did.

“Billie …” I breathed as she got halfway through the living room.

Her stride was as powerful as her expression, and she said nothing as she moved over to the sectional. I was sitting in the middle, but she halted at one of the sides and stayed behind it. Her hand extended over the head pillow, fingers now opening, a picture sliding over her palm that fell onto the bottom cushion of the couch.

My eyes followed, seeing it was my school photo from junior year.

I’d had no doubt before, but there was no question now.

She knew exactly who I was.

While my heart pounded through my chest, my teeth grinding together, I stared at the boy in that photo. I didn’t know who that kid was anymore, the seventeen-year-old who had been on the football team, earning decent grades where college recruiters had already been whispering in his ear.

That kid had died on May 20.

In his place was me.

And the only survivor from that crash was the girl staring back at me, whose teary eyes were boring into me. Who opened her mouth and whispered, “What’s the name of the boy in that photo?”

My hands were sweating, and I grasped them around the couch. I didn’t want to answer, but I owed it to her. And when I finally did, I was overflowing with shame. “Casey Rivers.” Hearing my birth name sent a fucking tremor through me. I hadn’t called myself that since I was seventeen.

She wrapped her arms around her stomach, her face reddening. “Is that you? Are you Casey Rivers?”

I had seen this moment play out many times in my head.

But, Jesus fucking Christ, I hadn’t thought it was going to feel like this. “Yes.”

A groan came from her, her skin turning pale. Tears were dripping past her cheeks, and she didn’t wipe them. “You’re the man who killed my mother … and brother …” Her lips stayed parted, and they were as wet as her eyes. “And you almost killed me.”

Those were words I’d heard before when her father spoke them in court. But hearing them from Billie was entirely different. They drove straight into my stomach where the guilt had been living for all these years, and they twisted the goddamn knife.

“Billie, please let me—”

“I trusted you.”

I pushed myself up from the couch, moving to the other side. “Let me explain,” I said as I approached.

She backed up. “Don’t come any closer.”

“Billie, please.”

Her chest heaved as she put her hand up and snapped, “No! Stay right fucking there.”

“I’m not going to hurt you.” I swallowed even though it stung, and I sat my ass on the back of the couch, putting several feet between us.

“You’re not?” Her voice turned stern. “Because you did that the second you came into my life.”

She was glaring at me like I was a monster.

I was.

“Billie—”

“Stop saying my name. You lost that right when you lied to me about who you were.” When I tried to interrupt, she added, “I let you into my life. I opened my heart up to you.” She shook her head, tears falling even faster, her lids so red and raw. “I gave you every bit of me.” She took another breath, and a searing pain bolted through my chest. “I … loved you.”

This was the first time I’d heard her say it in person.

It was supposed to be a beautiful moment.

Not this.

Not surrounded by all the pain that I’d caused.

My hands went into my hair, gripping the strands, tugging them from the roots. I had known she was going to hurt, but I couldn’t have prepared myself for how I would feel when I saw the destruction on her face and when she told me I was the cause of it.