Before You

The second I did, I regretted it.

Jared: Please give me a chance to explain myself. 5 minutes—that’s all I’m asking for.

Jared: Don’t let us end like this.

I hurried to the nearest trash can and lost the remainder of what had been in my stomach. Once I felt well enough, I turned off my phone and started walking.

I just wanted to unplug from it all.

SEVENTY

JARED

JUST BECAUSE I’D shattered the heart of the woman I loved, that didn’t mean I was going to stop fighting for her. So, I texted her after she walked out of my condo and again the next morning and evening. Whether I was in the middle of work or flying, she got a message at least twice a day. Some were begging her to give me a few minutes to talk. Most just told her how much I missed her.

Because I did. So fucking much.

And that feeling only grew, as did her silence. After six days of no response, I finally heard from her.

Billie: I want answers. Nothing more.

Me: I’ll give them to you.

Billie: Come over tomorrow night at 7.

Me: See you then. Thank you, Billie.

When my hand knocked on Billie’s door at a few minutes before seven the next evening, the only thing I brought with me were my lies, and I planned on unraveling each one.

It was time she heard the truth.

Once she opened the door and I saw her expression, it reminded me of my past and of the reason I had changed my name in the first place.

That was to avoid the way I was feeling right now.

Even if I deserved it.

“Billie …” My eyes stayed on her face, taking it all in.

Gone was the girl who used to smile for me, who warmed in my presence, melted when my hands touched her.

In her place was the girl I had seen right after the plane crash.

We’d both changed.

Again.

Because of me.

“Please don’t,” she said, putting up her hand.

I hadn’t approached. I’d said nothing more than just her name. It looked like even my voice was too much for her.

“I’m sorry.”

It hurt to inhale.

To stare into her beautiful, troubled eyes.

To think this could be the last time I was ever here.

Fuck.

Billie took a few deep breaths, and then she turned around, leaving the door open so I could follow her in. I stayed several paces behind, and when she reached the living room, she stood with her back to one of the windows and faced the couch.

I accepted that as the spot where she wanted me to sit, and I put my ass on the cushion.

My hands clenched together, and I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees. “Thank you for letting me back in—”

“You’re not back. You’re giving me answers. Let’s make that clear.”

Her eyes told me the same thing.

As did her posture.

And as much as I deserved both, seeing it didn’t make it any easier to accept.

“Where do you want me to start, Billie?”

“I want the whole story. Start at the beginning.”

The last time I had rewound this far, Billie had been too small to be in court to hear my testimony. Her father had been there instead.

I remembered the details so fucking vividly.

I glanced down and ground my palms together. “It was the end of the year. I was taking finals and playing baseball, and we were heading into playoffs. A bunch of my buddies were graduating and moving away, and I was trying to hang out with them as much as possible.”

I sat up straight, my hands dropping to the cushion on each side of me, holding it firmly. “I wasn’t sleeping very much, and I was so tired from the practices and games and just fucking going all the time. When the night of the party came, I hardly had any energy left.”

The whole evening was in my mind. I saw the kegs spread out across the grass. The kids standing around drinking. The music. Cars. Laughing.

Jesus fucking Christ, there was so much laughter that night.

“I had to get up early for practice, and I knew if I drank, it would put me right to sleep, so I filled my plastic cup with water and hung around there until one.” I pushed myself to my feet, walking in the opposite direction, giving her plenty of space. “I didn’t have a sip of alcohol at that party.”

When I looked at her again, a wave of emotion was moving through her eyes. It wasn’t the first one I had seen since I arrived, but this one hit me the hardest.