“Are you okay?”
“No.”
“Is he gone?”
My voice wasn’t even recognizable anymore. “Yes.”
“Tell me everything.”
I saw the entire night replay in my head—every expression and emotion on Jared’s face, every goddamn apology. And then I saw his back as he’d headed for my door.
That wasn’t the worst of it.
There was one image my brain liked to show me the most, and that was the picture of the young boy who had killed two members of my family.
“I can’t,” I croaked. “I will, just not right now.”
“Oh, baby girl.”
I pulled the blanket up and tucked it under my chin. “I don’t know that I’ve ever hurt this badly.”
“That’s because you love him.”
The tears had been at bay for the last few minutes. Now, they were streaming as fast as before. “Ally …” My chest tightened to the point where nothing was going in or out. “I don’t think I can breathe.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” she said, and I heard her moving through her apartment. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”
SEVENTY-TWO
JARED
Me: I’m so fucking sorry.
Me: I never should have lied to you.
Me: I miss you.
SEVENTY-THREE
JARED
I CAME in from outside and went to the kitchen. After grabbing two tumblers and dropping a few ice cubes into each, I filled them with whiskey and brought them out onto the balcony. Brandon was sitting on the couch, and I handed him his drink and took the chair beside him.
It had been two weeks since we were in New York, hitting the road the morning after Billie kicked me out, and we hadn’t returned until a couple of hours ago. Since Brandon had retired from the SEALs, he worked as my personal trainer, and he traveled everywhere I went, so he’d been along for the ride.
I’d told my assistant I wanted to be busy. I wanted my schedule so fucking full that I wouldn’t think about Billie.
My assistant had promised me both.
But after two weeks of failed attempts, I’d told her to fly us home. Billie was all I thought of, and I couldn’t take another second of it. Now that I was back in Manhattan, I just wanted to call the pilot and tell him to fuel up the plane again. If I was here, I wanted to be with her, and the fact that I couldn’t tore me the fuck apart.
All I smelled in my condo was her buttercream scent.
All I saw when I gazed around were images of all the times we’d made love in here and of the nights she had fallen asleep on the couch with her head on my lap and of the mornings we had cooked breakfast together in my kitchen.
Fuck me.
I lifted the glass to my lips before Brandon could try to cheers me, and I took a long drink. There wasn’t a goddamn thing worth celebrating right now.
Once things between Billie and I had turned serious, I’d told Brandon the entire story. He was the only person in my world who knew the history of us. He had even recently met her.
I heard the cubes hit his glass as he turned toward me, finally breaking the silence. “How long are we going to stay in town?”
I stayed gazing ahead, my other hand gripping the armrest. “We’ll probably leave tomorrow. The day after that at the latest.”
“If you keep bringing in all of this new business, you’re going to have to hire another office of agents.”
Despite the fact that he was speaking the truth, his attempt at making me laugh didn’t work.
It had been weeks since I made that sound.
“Add that to the list along with finding me a new place to live.”
“You don’t like it here anymore?”
I shook my head, my fingers clenching the cushion so tightly that I could feel the wicker base underneath. “Every time I’m in there, I just see her.” I set the glass down and took out my phone, staring at the last message I’d sent her several days ago.
“You still haven’t heard from her?”
I wasn’t surprised he knew what I was looking at. “No.” I reached for the drink again and took a sip. “And I won’t. I know I deserve that, and I’ll keep saying it for the rest of my life, but damn it, it’s not getting easier.” I sucked a piece of ice into my mouth. “And you know what’s so fucking sad? Every time a text comes across my phone, I look at the screen and hope it’s her even though I know it won’t be.” I tossed my cell on the table beside me.