The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless 3)

“I can say the same for you.”

I turned my head and looked at him.

“I was still in that relationship…even if we weren’t together. I was as committed as ever. I was as in love as ever. But I was also just as bitter, angry, and resentful as ever. So, I needed space to decompress. Women wanted me, there were offers…but I wasn’t interested. It only made me realize how deep my feelings are, that they never change—whether we’re together or not.”

It was the sweetest thing he’d ever said to me. A thin film of moisture coated my eyes.

He leaned forward slightly, his hand moving to the middle of the table, like he was offering it to me. “I regret my selfishness. I should have been there for you instead of only thinking about myself.”

“You had every right to be upset, Deacon.”

“Yes. But you needed me…and I wasn’t there.”

My eyes watered more because he had no idea how much I suffered.

“I was hurt you didn’t tell me yourself, that you didn’t trust me the way I trusted you. But if I’d taken some time to look past myself, I would have realized what you’d been through, that it was a mistake and you just wanted to move on. You didn’t want it to define you. You wanted me to see the real you, and that wasn’t the real you.”

Fuck, he was going to make me cry.

“I should have been there for you…and I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay…” My hand moved to the center of the table.

“Depression is a true biological event, and it impairs our judgment, our decision-making, our ability to handle situations logically. I know that better than anyone, and I didn’t give you that courtesy of understanding, because I expected so much out of you. But that wasn’t fair, to judge you because I think more of you, not less.” His hand squeezed mine. “You’re the victim of a toxic relationship. Jake is just like Valerie, a liar, a manipulator, an asshole. You could judge me for being with Valerie, but you never did. How could I judge you for the same thing?”

He absolved my guilt, took the weight off my shoulders, made me feel light.

“You can tell me anything, and I’ll understand. That’s how I want it to be from now on…that you can talk to me. Because I want to hear it from you—no one else. We’re the only two people in this relationship, and I’ll believe everything you tell me implicitly. If someone else comes along and contradicts, I’ll ignore them—because I trust you. But…I don’t want to go through something like that again.”

“Okay, Deacon.”

“Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

I shook my head. “That was my only secret.” I had nothing else to hide. My life had been pretty uneventful after I’d lost my parents. I’d been on my own for a long time. The one stupid thing I did somehow bit me in the ass—and I would never make that mistake again.

“Alright.” His hand stayed in mine, accepting my answer as fact. He stared at me across the table, gentleness in his eyes, his fingers lightly rubbing against mine. He looked at me the way he used to…like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.

I ate everything—including a brownie with a scoop of ice cream on top.

Deacon got the bill and immediately slipped his card inside without looking at the total.

I continued to demolish my dessert without any goddamn shame.

“Can I ask you something about Jake?”

I didn’t want to talk about him, but I realized we talked about everything, like my ex-husband, so it would be odd to take Jake off the table just because I was ashamed of what happened. “Sure.”

“How did you find out he was married?”

I hesitated before I took another bite, not wanting to dive into the details because I was certain Deacon didn’t want to hear them. But I didn’t want to lie either. “We were together in his residence when his wife came home. We were in the bedroom, and when I heard her, I asked him who would just barge into his place like that. That was when he told me…”

Deacon’s expression didn’t change. “So, what happened?”

“I hid inside the closet…and listened to them have sex.”

He shook his head slightly. “Jesus.”

“I was so hurt and humiliated by the whole thing. He tried to justify it by saying they were hardly together because of their careers and he wanted to leave her anyway. But I was so disgusted by the entire situation, I just instantly hated him. He filed for divorce right away and gave me the papers as proof so he could get me back, but I said I was done.”

“How did his wife handle it?”

“He said they were unhappy anyway, so they ended on good terms.”