“Fuck,” I said as I ripped my mask off and went to him. “Father. Can you hear me?”
His skin was pale and thin, like paper. He stirred when he heard my voice though, and opened his eyes slowly. They were rimmed with red, and the whites of his eyes were tinged with yellow.
“There’s my boy.”
The nurse excused herself with a bow and left us alone. I took my father’s cold hand in mine and blew out a long breath.
“I hate to see you in pain. I fucking hate it.”
He cleared his dry throat and tried to sit up. I helped him and situated his pillow behind his back. As I did, I noticed that he had grown even more bone-thin; this great lion of a king was now hardly more than a ghost of himself. I didn’t want to lose him, fuck almighty I didn’t. Who am I if I am not his son? Who is a bastard when his father is dead?
“Give me some good news, son. Anything,” he said.
I knew he meant news of the kingdom—the kingdom was his life—but in my gut all I wanted him to know was that I’d fallen head over fucking heels for the most perfect woman in the world. But it was all so goddamned messy that I didn’t even know where to start.
He sensed my hesitation and said, “Then at least tell me you’ve been doing as I asked.” He glanced warily at my mask. “At least tell me you haven’t been hiding yourself since I saw you last.”
I hadn’t been hiding myself—that much was fucking dead-right. Iris had seen all of me, fucking all of me, inside and out. But I hadn’t been showing myself to the world as he’d asked, either. Not even close. I knew exactly what I had been doing. It wasn’t all that fucking complicated. I had been losing myself in Iris to take away some of the pain of losing him, at least in part. I’d been showing her everything that I was, knowing she’d never treat me like a fucking monster in return. The same couldn’t be said for the rest of the world, I knew that for goddamned sure.
“It’s a process,” I said. “I’m working on it.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, still with that intensity that could make everybody in a room fucking freeze.
“There’s no time for a process, Randal.”
I leaned back in my chair, rocking back on the rear legs. He was right. Of fucking course he was right.
“I know.”
“This is it, my boy. There’s no time to work up to it. I need you to step up. Now.”
I inhaled to steady myself. “I will. I fucking promise.”
My father gripped my hand.
“Good. There’s a court gathering happening this morning. Let them see you. Please, son. I could die a happy man knowing that you finally showed your face. Today, to the courtiers, then to your people.” He closed his eyes as a wave of pain seized him. Then he inhaled deeply and said, “I could die in comfort knowing that the thing you fear most is behind you.”
I shook my head.
“I need to speak with Elaina. I need her guidance on how to do this properly. She understands the workings of the court better than either of us.”
“Randal.” My father’s voice was as stern as he could make it, despite the weakness he clearly felt. “That may be the truth, but the court needs to see your honesty. They need to see you the way I see you, not as a figurehead but a leader.”
Fuck this pain. I didn’t want to lose him; I couldn’t lose him. But I had no goddamned choice. Death was coming, no matter how much I fought it. And so, taking my lead from Iris, learning from the way she had handled herself over and over again in the last few days, I accepted the pain. I pushed into it. I embraced it.
And finally I said, “I’ll do it. Today. Fucking promise. I will not let you down.”
I let go of his hand and embraced his thin body, holding him close, remembering all the times he had protected me through my life. From him, I got every good thing that I was. From him, I learned all of my strength. And I would repay him as he deserved to be repaid.
Placing my mask on his bedside table, I got up to go.
“I’m going to leave that there, as a show of faith.”
But my father shook his head.
“Remember this: kings must have a strategy. You have to take it off in front of them. Nobody will question your legitimate right to rule if you do this right.”
The life of kings is nothing more than a fucking chess game.
“All this goddamned drama.” I fastened my mask on my face. “I fucking hate all the drama.”