“C’mon, Dixie,” he whined. “No one has to know! I’m not going to tell anyone!”
“That’s not the point, Shawn, and you know it,” I said, trying to reason with him. “When a woman walks down the aisle dressed in white, it’s supposed to mean something. You think I want to lie? To my friends, my family – my parents?! In a church?!”
“God is fine with this!” he said jokingly. “You said you were going to lose your virginity to me, anyway! What difference does it make?!”
“It’s important to me, Shawn!” I shouted, starting to cry.
“Oh, here it comes. Now you’re gonna cry. That is so unfair!” he said. “Whenever I try to have a discussion with you, this is how it ends! Why do you have to be such a big baby? Why can’t you just talk like a grown up and stop crying?”
“Stop it, Shawn! Stop it!”
Shawn wasn’t the biggest guy in the world. He was 5’10” and skinny, with a lanky build. But that was still taller than little ole’ 5’2” me! I was petite and curvy. Our prom picture made us look like mismatched salt and pepper shakers.
He had never hit me, but he had loomed over me a few times. It was intimidating. Each time, he got a little closer, a little bolder.
One time, he had leaned onto me, using his body, but not his hands; he had cornered me in the breakfast nook and screamed in my face. I sensed he was going to try it again, so I shot out of my chair to move away.
This time, he tried to grab me, but he was really drunk. I started to pull away, but it hurt my wrist.
“No, Shawn!”
“C’mere!”
I was freaking out. I was dressed in nothing but a long t-shirt and panties; I didn’t even have any shoes on. We’d been relaxing after work, trying to unwind, but Shawn unwound with fifteen beers.
Normally, he’d just pass out in front of the couch until it was time for bed, but not this time. He was angry, and I was petrified of what he might do to me.
I ran through the house, Shawn stumbling after me. He tripped over the leg of a kitchen chair and fell against the counter; he must’ve really stubbed his toe or something, because he lost it.
“Ow, fuck! You stupid bitch! Look what you fuckin’ did!”
“Shawn, I’m sorry—”
I was so scared, I started laughing. It was just pure nervousness on my part, but it made things so much worse for him. The angrier he got, the more I kept laughing until – Suddenly, he shoved the chair into me and lunged. The chair hit me in the side, and I ran away as he reached for me.
Screaming, I ran down the hall, charging into the bathroom. Shawn was coming after me, but he was so drunk that he bounced against the sides of the hall. He was cursing, promising to “lay down the hammer.” Could he even manage to do that, in his inebriated state? I didn’t want to find out.
After locking the door, I sat against it and cried. Some part of me had always known that I didn’t want to lose my virginity to Shawn, but I guess I never wanted to admit it.
You get caught up in a relationship and the momentum just carries you. The next thing you know, you’re living together, and nothing works. Right from the beginning, I knew. Maybe we both knew but didn’t want to admit it to ourselves.
“Shawn! Please!” I said. “Just stop! Please! Stop it!”
Shawn was muttering gibberish; I couldn’t understand a word. Sometimes, it sounded threatening, or like he was singing a song. I could no longer tell. I just wanted out.
I thought about climbing out the bathroom window, but I needed to get my stuff. What was I supposed to do? Show up to my parents’ house, half-naked and crying? It was bad enough that I had moved in with him and didn’t tell them; they were very strict and didn’t believe in living together before marriage. I hated to disappoint them.
Finally, I heard a thud. I waited a few minutes, then peeked through the keyhole. While the bathroom door, fortunately, had a newer, sliding lock, the old-fashioned keyhole was still there.
He was lying on the floor, completely still. Probably passed out. I carefully opened the door, wondering if it was a trick. If it was, my plan was to run out the front door and scream.
“Shawn?” I whispered.
He mumbled, but didn’t move. I crept out into the hall, then made a left toward the bedroom. Locking myself inside, I quickly got dressed and started packing. This was no time to be clever or neat; I just dumped whole drawers full of underwear and bras into my suitcase. Anything that was loose and not on a hanger, I shoved inside the suitcase.