I shake my head. “You’ll shut it down. And I’ve worked too hard and too long to just shut it down.”
“Twenty-five million,” he says, calm as they come. “Sell it to me pre-launch and I’ll give you twenty-five for it.”
I swallow hard at that offer. I had no idea he was so interested. But I shake my head automatically. There is no way I can take an offer. Not after all the filth I’ve participated in to get this far in the game. This is all I’ve got left. My one and only chance at salvation is sticking it out until it’s over. And even though I feel that we are close, it’s not over yet. I couldn’t bail even if I wanted to.
“Why?” he asks. “We both know you don’t belong in this world. You’re a photographer, Ark. Get out while you’re still young. Go do something legitimate.”
“This is legitimate, Ray. It might not be honorable, but it’s definitely legitimate.”
“You know what I mean. Porn? Really? You want to waste your life selling porn?”
“How is it a waste? It works well enough for you.”
He takes another swig of his Scotch and looks over at Silvie, who is chatting with one of the bouncers. There’s no one else down here in the entertaining area except us. But that’s because it’s not open yet. Wednesday night is Swingers. I know Silvie gets shared with no one, but Ray takes his pick of women on Swingers’ Night.
And that makes me think of Blue. Why the fuck should I share her?
Because she likes JD better than you, Ark, my inner voice says.
Maybe she does. But that’s because she really has no idea what’s going on. If she knew…
“It’s good enough for me, son, because I’m forty-eight years old and this is all I know. You’re what? Twenty-seven? You’ve got time. You can sell this shit off, take the money, and go try your hand at something more… honorable, as you put it.”
“But why would I want to, Ray? This business is a cash cow. It’s easy fucking money.”
Ray looks at me with sympathy. “You know why I never had kids?”
I shake my head no.
“Because this is no way to raise a family. If you choose this life, Ark, you’re gonna end up alone. And you’re the closest thing I have to a son. So I don’t want that. Take the money. Get out of Denver. Go somewhere warm. And settle into a normal life. Come back for holidays and shit. Like kids do. But get out, man. I mean it.”
“I can’t,” I say, looking away and taking a drink of my beer. “I’m in too deep. We’re too far along.”
“JD isn’t gonna last, Ark. You know this. He’s on a one-way trip to crazy. He’s obsessed with that girl again—”
“Has he been here talking?” I wonder if he’s mentioned Blue.
“No,” Ray says in a low whisper. “But he’s asking questions again, Ark. And I’ve already told you. People are getting suspicious. They don’t want to talk about the shit he’s bringing up. And since everyone knows you’re partners, they shut up about it. But that doesn’t mean they forget. And that doesn’t mean they’ll just let it go.” Ray gives me one of those warning looks, with the single raised eyebrow and a sidelong glance.
“I’ll talk to him.”
“You better do more than talk to him.”
I nod again, but I stare down at my drink, wondering just how far this will go. How fucked up this will get. How much I’m gonna lose.
“You coming for Halloween?” Ray asks, changing the subject.
“Nah,” I say. Blue won’t agree to a party. I know that for sure. “Probably not.”
“JD is. He said so last week.”
“Well, things have changed since then. So if he doesn’t show up…” I let my words trail off.
“Got it.” And then Ray gets up and walks over to Silvie, planting a quick kiss on her cheek as he slips his arm around her waist. I know he loves her. He might fuck other women, but he always goes home to Silvie. And if it works for her, who am I to judge?
“Thanks for the beer, Ray.” I get up and start towards the door. It’s late now and I’ve been out all day, trying to avoid Blue. I want to fuck her brains out, but I refuse to give in to her. I refuse to play along with her and JD in this sick arrangement they’re cooking up. No matter how much I want to, I just can’t do it.
“You have girls lined up this week?” Ray calls out, just as I reach the door.
“Yeah,” I call back, opening it and walking through. “We’re good.” And then I close the door behind me and take the stairs to the roof to my waiting Jeep. I have to go home sometime. And if I’m being honest, I want to see that girl so bad, I can’t stay away any longer.
The drive back is too short and before I know it, I’m on my way up the elevator. It dings on the top floor and I get out and stand there. Staring at our door.
What did they do all day?
My jealousy is suddenly overwhelming as I picture the many, many ways in which Blue got fucked hard by JD. Why does she like it rough? Why? She responded to me when I was gentle. But if it’s not enough, then why fight JD for her? Would it really be worth ruining what I have with him just to get exclusive rights to a girl who can’t be satisfied with the way I want to love her?
Ray says to get out and start a life. But right now all I want is Blue. And she’s not even remotely interested in giving up what she likes. So why should I waste four years of planning and hard work? Why give up my one chance at making a difference, just to get away and be alone again?