The Lord's Inconvenient Vow

Did Edge belong to any clubs before he left London? She didn’t even know. There were so many things she didn’t know about him...

She stiffened further as she sensed rather than heard him move towards the bed.

Blast it, she couldn’t keep up the pretence of being asleep. Her whole body was itching to jump up and yell at him.

The bed sank under his weight as he sat and his fingers rested gently on her shoulder. A wail of hurt welled up in her and the words burst from her.

‘I don’t want you here.’

‘I’m so sorry, Sam.’ He withdrew his hand and his voice was flat, utterly Edge, but she thought she heard true regret there, though perhaps it was merely because he wished to put this confrontation behind him. She wished she could tell.

‘So am I, Edge.’

‘I was wrong.’

‘I’m tired, Edge.’

‘You cannot ignore me for ever, Sam. We are married.’

‘So we are.’ She turned her back to him, pulling the cover higher.

‘Damn it, get angry, throw something. This isn’t like you!’

‘I’ve changed. You always wanted me to change, didn’t you? You should be happy. Now go away.’

‘No. Turn around and talk to me.’

‘No. Go away.’

‘What are you most angry at—that I am the author of that I did not tell you?’

‘That you didn’t trust me.’

He fell silent. She could hear the strain of his breath and the image of that looming bear rose over her again and she spoke before she thought. ‘I’m scared.’

‘Scared?’

‘I had two things in my life—my brothers and my...your books. And now this marriage and you. Except now you are the books and I don’t... I haven’t... I’m not making any sense, am I?’

‘I...a little?’

‘Everything has always moved in my life. There was no home, I never knew where we would be next year or the year after that. My father disappeared before I even truly remembered him. One moment he was the most wonderful man and the next he was a terrible one. I never knew if my mother would be happy when I woke in the morning or back on her island of grief, betrayed and abandoned. When I met Ricki I thought...at least he was so open, so present, there would be no horrible surprises, but then I discovered he had a daughter no one ever mentioned.’

His indrawn breath was a hiss like water striking the fire. She tensed as well and almost stopped. Discussing children was clearly dangerous territory for Edge and discussing Maria... But she didn’t want Edge to believe she’d resented another man’s child. She rubbed her forehead and forced herself forward.

‘I wouldn’t have cared if he’d told me. Maria was the most marvellous little girl you could imagine, I would... I did welcome her into our home. Even if she was not mine, she would be our children’s big sister and I wanted her to be part of the family we would have. I didn’t even have to try to be kind to her—she made it so easy to love her...’

Her voice cracked and his hand curved around her arm, and she could feel her pulse leaping against his fingertips.

‘Perhaps...perhaps he was afraid of disappointing you?’ he asked. His voice was as tentative as his touch.

‘No, Edge. I would have understood and forgiven that, believe me. It wasn’t it at all—Ricki just never thought it was important enough to tell me. He had paid off her mother and forgotten all about her. At least until he wanted to use her against me.’

‘God, Sam...that is...despicable. Surely you cannot believe...there is no comparison between his secret and mine. And I would never use this against you.’

‘I know that, Edge. I asked you to marry me because you are nothing like him, because I trust... I trusted you wholly. But can’t you see? It wasn’t the essence of Ricki’s lie, but the way it peeled everything back—it showed me...both of us. We were too different to be happy together. I know you aren’t like him; you would never, ever use a child to try to coerce or hurt anyone. But... I’m afraid. What else don’t I know about you? I never had a home so I don’t know how one builds a foundation for one, but I thought trusting you was almost as good, and I’d hoped you trusted me enough to... Oh, I can’t explain!’

She thumped the mattress and his hand tightened on her arm.

‘Sam, turn to me. Please.’

‘No. I don’t know what to do if there is no trust between us, Edge. How can we build anything on that?’

He let her go and there was a rasp and groan, as if he’d scraped his hands over his face, and her eyes burned in the dark. She was driving him even further away. She began to turn to him, but he spoke first.