“You told my father we...?” Is that how he knew? she wondered.
“No, of course not. I merely asked if he had heard from you. If he knew how you were doing. I pretended I was asking on Mara’s behalf. He said you had told him you were very busy with school, too busy to write or call often.”
Pain and guilt chased across Juliana’s face. “I did tell him that,” she admitted. “I was so wrapped up in thoughts of you that I...I really didn’t want to focus on anything else just then. Not my classes. Not even my father. I spent most of my time waiting to hear from you.” She started to tell Andre her father had known all along anyway, but he spoke before she could.
“After my conversation with your father I tried to call you, but again you did not pick up.” Regret over lost chances was obvious in his expression. “So I wrote to you a third time, just before my unit shipped out to begin serving with the UN peacekeeping force in Afghanistan. Desperate to hear from you by then. Putting my pride aside, begging you to tell me if I had somehow offended you by asking if you were pregnant, even though that had never been my intention. Then I received an email reply saying you were not pregnant. Just that. One sentence.”
She shook her head vociferously. “I didn’t!”
“I know that now. But at the time? And yet, it did not sound like you. Part of me was sure you would tell me if... But just in case...I had to know. I could not go to Virginia myself—I was already serving in a combat zone in defiance of my father’s wishes by that time, and I could not desert my post. I could not even request temporary leave—so I sent a trusted agent from Zakhar to check on you. When I knew you were not pregnant I was both relieved and disappointed.”
“I don’t understand.”
He smiled sadly and raised a hand to caress her cheek once before letting it drop back to his side. “Relieved for your sake, little one. I wanted you to attend college, to see something of the world before...” His eyes held hers. “Disappointed...that was for me. I wanted you to be carrying our child. It would have been all the excuse I needed to bring you back to Zakhar and marry you out of hand, even though you were too young.”
“Why didn’t you? You knew I loved you, so why...?”
“I was twenty-two. You were eighteen. You had led a sheltered life, and I...I had already known for two years I loved you. Had already denied my own desires waiting for you to grow up.” His eyes were bleak. “I needed you to be sure of your love. I needed you to understand how it was for me.
“But then you came to me that night. All soft and yielding, even more than my dreams. Offering me your love so sweetly I had no power to resist. I should never have taken what you offered that night—I know that. But I was too arrogant to know then that wanting is not enough. Even loving is not enough, not if there is no pledge for the future. And to my everlasting shame I did not give you that. There are some things a man does not do, Juliana. Not if he is to live with himself. But I have paid for that night.” He laughed without humor and said under his breath, “I have paid bitterly.”
She was barely able to get the word out. “How?”
His face contracted, and his lips tightened. “The tabloids love nothing better than to print scandal, especially about European royalty. If they cannot find a true story, they will make one up. They have been making up stories about me for years, about the latest woman in my life. I merely had to look at a woman and the world was told we were lovers. But there is a reason the tabloids must make up stories—there is no woman in my life...and has not been for eleven years.”
At her amazed and wondering expression, he added drily, “No man, either. And yes, those rumors have been whispered in some circles because I do not use women for pleasure.” He smiled in self-mockery. “No one wants to believe a man can remain faithful to the memory of a woman despite the many temptations crossing his path. No one wants to believe he can remain celibate...for the sake of a woman and one precious night.”
“For...me?” Juliana asked in a hushed voice.
“Only for you.”
Chapter 17
Juliana’s eyes squeezed shut in pain as she comprehended the enormity of what Andre was saying. For any heterosexual man to voluntarily forgo female companionship completely for such a length of time was unbelievable, unheard of. And for a reigning monarch whose word was law in his country, wealthy beyond most men’s dreams, virile and in the prime of his life—just how virile she had ample proof—it was beyond comprehension. And yet she knew he was telling the truth.