"My aunt's dead,' said Adrian bluntly. "And you said yourself you might be talking to the future queen.' This earned a glare from Lissa.
Serena hesitated, then took a deep breath. "I can pull together a list of names. I might not remember all of them, though. And I have no clue how well they were doing--only that a lot resented it. Grant felt like Tatiana had purposely picked those most unwilling.'
Lissa squeezed her hand. "Thank you. Thank you so much.'
Serena still looked pained at giving up the secret information. They come first didn't always work when your loyalties were split. "I'll have to get it to you later, though. They need me here.'
Serena returned to her post, bringing my mother back to Lissa. As for me, I returned to my own reality in the car, which had come to a stop. I blinked to clear my eyes and take in our surroundings. Another hotel. We should have had gold member status by now. "What's going on?'
"We're stopping,' said Dimitri. "You need to rest.'
"No, I don't. We need to keep going to Court. We need to get Jill there in time for the elections.' Our initial goal in finding Jill had been to give Lissa voting power. It had since occurred to us that if Lissa running was mucking up the elections, the surprise appearance of her sister would likely create just as much sensation and disbelief. A genetic test would clear up any doubts and give Lissa her voting power, but the initial confusion would buy us more of the time we so badly needed to find the murderer. In spite of the random evidence my friends kept turning up, they still had no substantial theories on a culprit.
Dimitri gave me a don't lie to me look. "You were just with Lissa. Are the elections actually happening yet?'
"No,' I admitted.
"Then you're getting some rest.'
"I'm fine,' I snapped.
But those fools wouldn't listen to me. Checking in was complicated because none of us had a credit card, and it wasn't the hotel's policy to take a cash deposit. Sonya compelled the desk clerk into thinking it was their policy, and before long, we had booked two adjoining rooms.
"Let me talk to her alone,' Dimitri murmured to Sonya. "I can handle it.'
"Be careful,' Sonya warned. "She's fragile.'
"You guys, I'm right here!' I exclaimed.
Sonya took Jill's arm and guided her into one of the rooms. "Come on, let's order room service.'
Dimitri opened the other door and looked at me expectantly. With a sigh, I followed and sat on the bed, my arms crossed. The room was a hundred times nicer than the one in West Virginia. "Can we order room service?'
He pulled up a chair and sat opposite me, only a couple feet away. "We need to talk about what happened with Victor.'
"There's nothing to talk about,' I said bleakly. The dark feelings I'd been shoving back during the drive suddenly fell upon me. They smothered me. I felt more claustrophobic than when I'd been in the cell. Guilt was its own prison. "I really am the murderer everyone says I am. It doesn't matter that it was Victor. I killed him in cold blood.'
"That was hardly cold blood.'
"The hell it wasn't!' I cried, feeling tears spring to my eyes. "The plan was to subdue him and Robert so we could free Jill. Subdue. Victor wasn't a threat to me. He was an old man, for God's sake.'
"He seemed like a threat,' said Dimitri. His calmness was the counter to my growing hysteria, as usual. "He was using his magic.'
I shook my head, burying my face in my hands. "It wasn't going to kill me. He probably couldn't have even kept it up much longer. I could have waited it out or escaped. Hell, I did escape! But instead of capturing him, I slammed him against a concrete wall! He was no match for me. An old man. I killed an old man. Yeah, maybe he was a scheming, corrupt old man, but I didn't want him dead. I wanted him locked up again. I wanted him to spend the rest of his life in prison, living with his crimes. Living, Dimitri.'
It seemed strange that I'd feel this way, considering how much I hated Victor. But it was true: it hadn't been a fair fight. I'd acted without thinking. My training had always been about defense and striking out against monsters. Honor had never really come up, but suddenly, it meant a lot to me. "There was no honor in what I did to him.'
"Sonya said it wasn't your fault.' Dimitri's voice was still gentle, which somehow made me feel worse. I wished he'd chastise me, confirming the guilt I felt. I wanted him to be my critical instructor. "She said it was a backlash of spirit.'
"It was... .' I paused, recalling the haze of that fight as best I could. "I never really understood what Lissa experienced in her worst moments until then. I just looked at Victor ... and I saw everything evil in the world--an evil I had to stop. He was bad, but he didn't deserve that. He never stood a chance.' Honor, I kept thinking. What honor is there in that?
"You aren't listening, Rose. It wasn't your fault. Spirit's a powerful magic we barely understand. And its dark edge ... well, we know it's capable of terrible things. Things that can't be controlled.' I lifted my eyes to his. "I should have been stronger than it.' There it was. The thought behind all my guilt, all these horrible emotions. "I should have been stronger than it. I was weak.'
Dimitri's reassuring words didn't come so quickly. "You aren't invincible,' he said at last. "No one expects you to be.'
"I do. What I did ...' I swallowed. "What I did was unforgivable.'
His eyes widened in shock. "That ... that's crazy, Rose. You can't punish yourself for something you had no power over.'
"Yeah? Then why are you still--'
I stopped because I'd been about to accuse Dimitri of continuing to punish himself. Except ... he no longer was. Did he feel guilt for what he'd done as a Strigoi? I was certain of it. Sonya had admitted as much. But somewhere in this journey, he had taken control of his life again, bit by bit. She'd told me that, but only now did I truly understand.
"When?' I asked. "When did it change? When did you realize you could keep living-- even after all that guilt?'
"I'm not sure.' If the question surprised him, he hid it. His eyes were locked with mine, but they weren't quite focused on me. The puzzle occupied him. "In bits, really. When Lissa and Abe first came to me about breaking you out, I was ready to do it because she asked me to. Then, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was personal too. I couldn't stand the thought of you locked in a cell, being cut off from the world. It wasn't right. No one should live like that, and it occurred to me that I was doing the same--by choice. I was cutting myself off from the world with guilt and self-punishment. I had a second chance to live, and I was throwing it away.'