"I'm sure you do,' I said. Her face turned hesitant, as though she was suddenly reconsidering. She felt guilty. She was worried about me and wanted to stand by me. I lightly touched her arm. "It's okay, Liss. I'll be okay. Go.'
She squeezed my hand in return, her eyes wishing me good luck. She told Adrian goodbye and left, closing the door behind her.
It was just him and me now. He stayed on my bed, watching me carefully. He still wore the smile he'd given Lissa, like this was no big deal. I knew otherwise and made no attempts to hide my feelings. Standing still made me tired, so I sat down in a nearby chair, nervously wondering what to say.
"Adrian--'
"Let's start with this, little dhampir,' he said cordially. "Was it going on before you left Court?'
It took me a moment to follow that abrupt Adrian conversation format. He was asking if Dimitri and I had gotten back together before my arrest. I shook my head slowly.
"No. I was with you. Just you.' True, I'd been a mess of emotions, but my intentions had been firm.
"Well. That's something,' he said. Some of his pleasantness was starting to slip. I smelled it then, ever so faintly: alcohol and smoke. "Better some rekindling of sparks in the heat of battle or quest or whatever than you cheating right in front of me.'
I shook my head more urgently now. "No, I swear. I didn't--nothing happened then ... not until--' I hesitated on how to phrase my next words.
"Later?' he guessed. "Which makes it okay?
"No! Of course not. I ...'
Damn it. I'd screwed up. Just because I hadn't cheated on Adrian at Court didn't mean that I hadn't cheated on him later. You could phrase it however you wanted, but let's face it: sleeping with another guy in a hotel room was pretty much cheating if you had a boyfriend. It didn't matter if that guy was the love of your life or not.
"I'm sorry,' I said. It was the simplest and most appropriate thing I could say. "I'm sorry. What I did was wrong. I didn't mean for it to happen. I thought ... I really thought he and I were done. I was with you. I wanted to be with you. And then, I realized that--'
"No, no--stop.' Adrian held up a hand, his voice tight now as his cool facade continued to crumble. "I really do not want to hear about the great revelation you had about how you guys were always meant to be together or whatever it was.'
I stayed silent because, well, that kind of had been my revelation.
Adrian ran a hand through his hair. "Really, it's my fault. It was there. A hundred times there. How often did I see it? I knew. It kept happening. Over and over, you'd say you were through with him ... and over and over, I'd believe it ... no matter what my eyes showed me. No matter what my heart told me. My. Fault.'
It was that slightly unhinged rambling--not that nervous kind of Jill's, but the unstable kind that worried me about how close he was getting to the edge of insanity. An edge I might very well be pushing him toward. I wanted to go over to him but had the sense to stay seated.
"Adrian, I--'
"I loved you!' he yelled. He jumped up out of his chair so quickly I never saw it coming. "I loved you, and you destroyed me. You took my heart and ripped it up. You might as well have staked me!' The change in his features also caught me by surprise. His voice filled the room. So much grief, so much anger. So unlike the usual Adrian. He strode toward me, hand clasped over his chest. "I. Loved. You. And you used me the whole time.' "No, no. It's not true.' I wasn't afraid of Adrian, but in the face of that emotion, I found myself cringing. "I wasn't using you. I loved you. I still do, but--'
He looked disgusted. "Rose, come on.'
"I mean it! I do love you.' Now I stood up, pain or no, trying to look him in the eye. "I always will, but we're not ... I don't think we work as a couple.'
"That's a bullshit breakup line, and you know it.'
He was kind of right, but I thought back to moments with Dimitri ... how well we worked in sync, how he always seemed to get exactly what I felt. I meant what I'd said: I did love Adrian. He was wonderful, in spite of all his flaws. Because, really, who didn't have flaws? He and I had fun together. There was affection, but we weren't matched in the way Dimitri and I were.
"I'm not ... I'm not the one for you,' I said weakly.
"Because you're with another guy?'
"No, Adrian. Because ... I don't. I don't know. I don't ...' I was fumbling, badly. I didn't know how to explain what I felt, how you could care about someone and love hanging out with them--but still not work as a couple. "I don't balance you like you need.'
"What the hell does that mean?' he exclaimed.
My heart ached for him, and I was so sorry for what I'd done ... but this was the truth of it all. "The fact that you have to ask says it all. When you find that person ... you'll know.' I didn't add that with his history, he'd probably have a number of false starts before finding that person. "And I know this sounds like another bullshit breakup line, but I really would like to be your friend.'
He stared at me for several heavy seconds and then laughed--though there wasn't much humor in it. "You know what's great? You're serious. Look at your face.' He gestured, as though I actually could examine myself. "You really think it's that easy, that I can sit here and watch your happy ending. That I can watch you getting everything you want as you lead your charmed life.'
"Charmed!' The guilt and sympathy warring within me got a little kick of anger. "Hardly. Do you know what I've gone through in the last year?' I'd watched Mason die, fought in the St. Vladimir's attack, been captured by Strigoi in Russia, and then lived on the run as a wanted murderess. That didn't sound charmed at all.
"And yet, here you are, triumphant after it all. You survived death and freed yourself from the bond. Lissa's queen. You got the guy and your happily ever after.'
I turned my back to him and stalked away. "Adrian, what do you want me to say? I can apologize forever, but there's nothing else I can do here. I never wanted to hurt you; I can't say that enough. But the rest? Do you really expect me to be sad about everything else having worked out? Should I wish I was still I was accused of murder?'
"No,' he said. "I don't want you to suffer. Much. But the next time you're in bed with Belikov, stop a moment and remember that not everyone made out as well as you did.'
I turned back to face him. "Adrian, I never--'
"Not just me, little dhampir,' he added quietly. "There's been a lot of collateral damage along the way while you battled against the world. I was a victim, obviously. But what about Jill? What happens to her now that you've abandoned her to the royal wolves? And Eddie? Have you thought about him? And where's your Alchemist?' Every word he slung at me was an arrow, piercing my heart more than the bullets had. The fact that he'd referred to Jill by her name instead of "Jailbait' carried an extra hurt. I was already toting plenty of guilt about her, but the others ... well, they were a mystery. I'd heard rumors about Eddie but hadn't seen him since my return. He was clear of James's death, but killing a Moroi--when others still thought he might have been brought in alive--carried a heavy stigma. Eddie's previous insubordination-- thanks to me--also damned him, even if it had all been for "the greater good.' As queen, Lissa could only do so much. The guardians served the Moroi, but it was customary for the Moroi to step back and let the guardians manage their own people. Eddie wasn't being dismissed or imprisoned ... but what assignment would they give him? Hard to say.