Wilder was with his brothers, so I came into the bathroom to get ready for bed… and to do a lot of thinking. Over the last week, how I felt for him started to consume me in an unnatural way. I wanted to embrace it, let it make me feel like I truly found something that could be mine.
I’d never felt this kind of consumption before, not for a person, not for anything in my life. Maybe that was why I ran, bouncing from one town to the next, never setting up roots, because I was too afraid of the possibilities. I turned my head and looked at the closed door, knowing Wilder wasn’t in the room, but still being able to picture him on the bed, his big body dwarfing the full-sized mattress.
My emotions for him scared me, and even if they did excite me, it was that fear that had me keeping my distance, that had me realizing I couldn’t stay here any longer.
It had been that curiosity, the fact that I felt this connection, being drawn to Wilder in a way I’d never been drawn to anything or anyone before, that made up my resolve. And so I told myself I stayed to make sure he survived, that this had to be something special.
And he had survived, was getting stronger by the day.
It was time for me to go before I fully let myself be immersed in everything that was Wilder.
I braced my hands on the basin of the sink and leaned forward slightly, exhaling, my eyes closed, this conflicting war inside me making me so exhausted. I didn’t want to fight it. I just wanted to embrace what I felt, but it went against my nature. It went against everything I’d ever known.
I finished getting dressed, putting on the terrycloth shorts and another plain shirt Amelia had given me, since she was always the one handing me the items. I picked at them, exhaling, just wanting to go to bed, because my body was wiped, yet my mind was wide awake.
I opened the door and shut off the light, stepping into the room and stilling when I saw Wilder sitting on the edge of the bed. He had his elbows resting on his knees, his big upper body hunched forward slightly, his head turned in my direction as he looked at me.
For a moment, I just stood there, my heart racing as we stared at each other. I was reacting so strangely because of what I’d just been thinking about. I felt how awkward I was in this moment. I cared about Wilder so much it scared me enough that I knew I had to go, because if I didn’t, things might get too deep.
And going too deep could get you drowned.
If I gave myself over to Wilder completely, then what? Things didn’t last forever; they couldn’t. That was made abundantly clear to me throughout my whole life. It had been my mother who proved that to me first, with her constant neglect, her presence and attention only gifted to me when she was smashed. She gave me my first taste of loneliness, told me without saying it that I couldn’t count on anyone but myself.
And then it was everyone else in-between, people who pretended to be my friends, co-workers acting like they cared. It started at a young age, when I realized staying in one place for too long, being sedentary, meant I was giving up too much. I was risking myself. I was going to be lonely regardless, and so it would be on my terms, in a new city surrounded by only myself, so I’d never risk getting attached to anyone or any place.
“Hey,” he said in that deeply masculine voice of his.
I licked my lips, swallowing roughly. “Hey.” I said that way too softly, but the small smile Wilder gave me told me he heard nonetheless.
He lifted his hand and scrubbed it over his jaw, the days’-worth of stubble starting to cover his cheeks. “Can we talk?”
There was nothing more I’d love to do than talk. I nodded slowly, unsure what he wanted to speak to me about—the situation, that it was time for me to go? Although even thinking that’s what he wanted to talk to me about had this pang settling in my heart.
But I knew it would be for the best, despite it hurting me horribly. I knew that with finality.
I walked over to sit on the couch, but when he shook his head and made a low disapproving sound, I stilled. He placed his hand on the mattress beside him.
I felt my blood pump faster.
I made my way over to him, his eyes tracking my every movement. I sat down toward the edge of the mattress, several feet still separating us.