“I don’t want you to die. I’m not afraid to admit that. I want a romantic date with cloth napkins. I want to always be on top when we have sex.”
The last part was a lie. Jillian realized her list of wants turned into her needs. Her deepest truth: she didn’t want everything she needed or maybe she didn’t want to need it. Needs were weaknesses.
“You’d be an amazing mother.”
She guffawed. “How can you even say that with a straight face?”
“Your compassion equals your strength, and you’re the strongest person I know.”
“Well, it’s a moot point. You can’t have kids and I choose you.”
“But—”
“I. Choose. You. And don’t you dare talk about the fucking cancer. You’re better … we’re better.”
AJ sighed, gazing out his window. “We’re better,” he whispered.
*
If he loved her, he’d let her go. AJ couldn’t get that thought out of his damaged mind. Jillian loved him and she let him go with a simple thank you. He blamed his selfishness on the tumor … by that point he blamed everything on the tumor. How much of her life could he steal and still feel like a man and not an inconsiderate bastard?
“How do you feel about ice cream?” She slowed, pulling into the dinky parking lot of an ice cream shop with a few picnic tables in front.
“I feel like you want some.”
“I do.”
That smile. When they first met he never imagined one day having a long list of traits he loved about Jillian Knight—quite the opposite. Life was nothing if not unimaginable. The woman was real. She never faked anything, not a single word, not a single smile. Every ounce of her being screamed, “Take me as I am.”
Hence the selfishness. If life was short, then AJ’s was less than a breath from ending, so he wanted to end it with something real.
“Let’s get ice cream then.” He smiled back at her.
“I hope they have dipped cones.” She took his hand and pulled him toward the window.
“I’ll have a twist cone dipped in chocolate.” Her eyes beamed as if all her dreams just came true.
Who was this woman with the innocence of a young child dying to escape?
“Small vanilla in a cup.”
“What?” She looked at him with wide eyes. “What he means is a hot caramel sundae with pecans.”
“I do?” He looked down at her.
“You do.” She pressed a kiss to his arm as he handed the lady a twenty.
They took their cool treats to the picnic table.
“We should stay here for the winter. I bet Omaha sucks in the winter.”
“Can’t be any worse than New York.”
She paused with her dripping cone at her lips. A moment later she nodded. “True.”
“Hurricane season is over. We should head to the Gulf and find a little shack to rent.”
“Shack?”
“We don’t need much.”
He was looking at everything he needed.
“Don’t worry, I’ll do the laundry and dust the blinds.”
“You clean?” AJ couldn’t hold back his incredulous response.
“As needed. We might have to negotiate the definition of need. I have this feeling yours may be a bit more stringent than mine.”
He nodded, taking a small bite of his ice cream. “Were your parents wealthy?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Work seems to be an option for you, not a necessity. You live in a nice house, drive a brand new Harley, drop a couple thousand dollars on camping equipment, and for that first week I’m pretty sure you paid for all the gas and the hotel room expenses. Unless you stole my credit card from my wallet.”
Jillian licked her ice cream and chocolate covered lips. “Hmm … I never thought about stealing your wallet. Total oversight on my part.”
“I’m serious.” AJ pushed his half-eaten sundae toward the middle of the table. His appetite was still off.
“They weren’t wealthy, but they had money in savings, a house that was paid off, and pretty good life insurance.”
“Well you’re young and you should be putting that money in savings or investing it, not spending it on me.”
“So you quit your job. Where are you getting the money?”
“Savings … my house if it ever sells.”
“You don’t need to sell your house now.”
“Jillian …”
“What?” She shrugged, keeping her eyes on his ice cream that she decided to finish off.
“Look at me.” He took the cup from her and held both of her hands, squeezing them until she surrendered her gaze to him. “I can’t … I won’t pretend with you. I just want you now for as many days as I have. Because now—this moment—is all I have to give. It’s yours. I’m yours. Please just let it be enough.”
She looked at him without a single blink. Finally her head moved a fraction. It looked like a nod, a very small acquiescence. “You have ice cream on your nose.”
AJ wiped his nose then looked at his hand. “Did I get it?”