I turned, crossing my arms over my chest. “Or maybe this is between us, Graham. As I recall, you made it clear that once you became governor I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with Lila. So here it is … I got the news that my mom’s cancer was back and had spread to her brain. I got the news that she has, at most, one year to live. And when I needed my best friend, she didn’t answer her phone. When I finally gave up and left a message, she replied with a text. A fucking text!”
Graham flinched.
Biting my upper lip, I shook my head. “So are you blocking me from Lila or is she just blatantly ignoring me? Giving our friendship the middle finger? Because I’m hurt …” I blinked several times to ward off the tears. “And I’m angry. And I just want to know why this is happening. I want to know why, when I need her the most, she’s not here for me. You’re not here for me.”
“Evelyn …” He took slow steps toward me. “I’m here for you. Do you need money? Do you need—”
I shook off his attempts to take another step, pressing my backside to the windowsill. “You are emotionally dead. I hate that I feel so indebted to you. I hate that you think everything can be solved with a check. I’m so glad I have Ronin and my kids because you are not my friend anymore. You don’t understand that what I need are people who will try to fill this huge fucking void that will be left in my heart when my mom dies. A void that can’t be filled with all the money in the world. And I hate that you’ve taken my best friend from me. I hate all of it, and I fucking hate you right now too.”
The muscles in Graham’s jaw pulsed steadily as he stared at me. Finally … finally I could see the tiniest hint of emotion in his eyes. Maybe saying that I hated him was going too far. Maybe telling Lila that I’d message her when my mom died was going too far. But as badly as words could hurt, the unspoken words hurt more. I’d rather be emotionally invested to the point of stepping out of bounds than emotionally dead. At least I cared enough to be hurt and angry … and say it.
I honestly felt as if Graham and Lila didn’t care at all. Feeling like I’d lost my two best friends felt like its own death.
“I love you, Evelyn.”
I laughed. “No. You don’t. You’re just proving a very important point about my marriage. You see … I’ve never said I love you to Ronin and he’s never said it to me.”
Graham’s eyes widened a fraction.
“Shocking, right?” I continued, “We missed the opportunity to throw that phrase out there like the next step in our relationship. And by the time we felt the desire to say the actual words, it was too late. We’d become so much more than a common and overused phrase. And you just proved that point. You throw it out there like it can solve every problem. But after a while, people build up this immunity to those words. They lose their effect. They become a crutch when you’re too lazy to go the extra mile and actually show someone how you feel. Show them how much you love them.
“I’m immune to your empty words, Graham. I’m immune to your money. I need more from you. And if you can’t give me more, then we don’t have anything left to say.”
After a heartbreaking silence settled between us, Graham left my bedroom. I heard a few indecipherable mumblings in the other room, then the front door clicked shut. Several seconds later, Ronin stood in the doorway to our bedroom, holding Anya as she yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“I know what you’re going to say.”
Ronin cocked his head to the side as Anya grabbed his cheeks, rubbing her hands over his stubble. “You do?”
“You’re going to say I was too hard on them.”
“I was going to say you stood up for yourself and your emotions, and I’m incredibly proud of you. I was going to say if they are truly your friends, they’ll come around and see how inconsiderate it was of them to not be there when you needed them. Then I was going to say we should make cookies with the kids.”
Didn’t see that coming.
“I think I just lost both of them.” I frowned.
“I think time will tell.”
That night we put Franz to bed, and Ronin rocked Anya to sleep while I called Lila. Screw Graham. Really, I had no feelings left to spare for him. But Lila was family. It would have broken my mom’s heart to hear our friendship had been severed over something so undefinable. Also, calling her was a test. I wanted to see if she’d answer her phone, if I meant enough to her, if she held any regret.