I tried again, hoping I could at least act like I wasn’t walking under a constant cloud of gloom. “It’s not your fault. Please don’t ever think that.” I rested my hand on her shoulder, and something happened. A feeling.
She tipped her head, leaning into my touch, closing her eyes. My pulse increased a bit, each beat in my chest gaining strength. And I felt … good.
A different good.
Normal.
The ringing in my ears stopped.
But she wasn’t dead.
I pulled my hand away. She opened her eyes, appearing a little startled by my quick retreat.
It took a few seconds, but eventually the good feeling disappeared.
The ringing in my ears returned.
I second-guessed what I thought happened while we shared a long silent moment.
Did she feel something?
I had to know, so I inched my hand toward her again, pressing my palm to her cheek.
No more ringing.
No more pain.
No more emotional fatigue.
She drew in a shaky breath, pressing her hand over mine, again closing her eyes. My hand was on her cheek, but it felt like a gentle hand on my own cheek. It felt … good.
My hand slid from Lila’s face to the back of her neck, spreading warmth along my own skin. The silence—the true silence—made it hard to let go of her. I just wanted to stand there and feel good for a little bit longer. A ray of light squeezing through an opening in the clouds on a cold day.
Before I could force myself to let go, she took a step forward, sliding her hands up my chest and around my neck, leaving a trail of warmth. I pressed her head to my shoulder, wrapping my other arm around her. We didn’t say a single word. We just stood there, embracing each other.
What could we possibly have said?
Of course, it was weird and probably wrong to hug Lila for so long, but it didn’t feel wrong in that moment. It felt good. Not necessarily right, just good. And when you wander through long days not feeling happy, not feeling alive, not taking full breaths or giving your all to those who love you … well, a moment of normalcy, bliss … good is pretty fucking amazing.
We held each other for at least five minutes that felt like five seconds when I forced myself to let her go. Before I could say anything—not that I had a clue how to explain what just happened between us—a voice echoed from the foyer.
I took two huge steps backward, blinking several times as I realized I still felt good, the ringing in my ears no longer there. Guilt swirled around us, but I didn’t let it touch me.
“Ronin?” Evie called.
“We’re coming!” Lila smiled, a real one, while picking up Franz’s hat that I’d let drop to the floor and sliding out the doorway past me. “I was just showing Ronin the rest of the house.”
I followed Lila.
“I pinched my finger in the umbrella when we moved everything so the kids could start digging in a new area of smooth sand. It’s not that bad, but I should wash it and put on a Band-Aid because it broke the skin and doesn’t want to stop bleeding.”
“I have a first aid kit in the bedroom,” I inspected her finger.
“Of course, you do.” Evie mocked at my always preparedness.
“I’ll meet you guys down at the beach.” Lila held up Franz’s hat. “Someone will be wondering where his hat is at.”
“Thank you, Lila. We’ll be out in a few minutes.” Evie headed toward the bedroom.
I gave Lila one last look. I wasn’t sure what it said. Maybe, What the fuck just happened? Maybe the look held no actual words at all.
She gave me one last glance too. It was kind. It held hope without regret. Neither one of us would ever intentionally hurt Evelyn. Lila’s lack of guilt told me it was okay. The moment between us meant something different than intimacy, like someone getting a massage. It felt good in a way that wasn’t sexual. It was one person physically doing something for another person. An exchange.
That was it.
Period.
Lila pivoted and waltzed out the door, and I made my way to the bedroom. Evie was in the bathroom, washing her finger. I fetched a Band-Aid and ointment from the kit.
“Does it hurt?” I dabbed the ointment onto the cut and covered it with the Band-Aid.
“No.”
“That’s good.” I grabbed her head and kissed her, and it built like igniting an explosive. It wasn’t my intention, and I didn’t expect it. But the second my lips touched hers I needed her. Plunging my tongue into her mouth, I devoured her, feeding on all the lost moments from the previous weeks.
Evie stiffened at first, clearly caught off guard by my sudden need to kiss her. Hell, I couldn’t explain it either. The ringing was gone. I felt good. A kind of good I hadn’t felt in many months. And all I wanted to do was show my wife how good I felt and share that amazing feeling with her.