“Morning,” I tried to smile, but it hurt too much.
“Are you all set to leave next week?”
Thanksgiving.
“Anything I can do to help you pack?”
I shook my head, not because I didn’t want help. I just couldn’t think.
As much as I needed time away, even more after recent revelations, the worry over where Ronin would be, who he would be with, felt like a chain around my heart, holding me in place.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
He swung the ax again, slicing through the wood. “Nothing. Why?”
“Because we have enough wood chopped to last five years. So you must be out here working through something. And I know this because I’ve added plenty of wood to the pile while dealing with … life.”
The sadness in his eyes intensified with each blink. On a long breath, he dropped the ax and sat on the tree stump, lacing his gloved hands behind his neck. “When we were in the Hamptons over the summer, I stumbled upon something. A discovery of sorts.”
“What’s that?”
“That first day when I took Lila’s purse to her, she was having … a moment. In an attempt to comfort her, we hugged.”
My stomach twisted. I didn’t want it to be true, but Ronin was making it true. I hugged my arms to my chest.
“Something happened. The pain, the depression, the ringing in my ears, everything I’d been feeling from her just … vanished. I felt like myself. I felt good. And I don’t know if she needed someone’s arms, unconditional kindness and understanding, or what it was, but I only felt her feeling good too. At peace.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “I could breathe. I felt normal.”
My mouth opened to speak, but my heart strangled the words. I knew if I tried to say anything, I would fall apart.
“The normal feeling felt like a high. It lasted for a while, but eventually it faded. Starting with the ringing in my ears and then the pain … the depression.”
I didn’t realize the depth of Lila’s depression.
Ronin rested his forearms on his knees. “When things start to get really bad, when I feel it affecting you and the kids, I visit Lila.”
Swallowing hard to keep my emotions in check, I whispered four words. It was all I could get out while remaining in one piece. “What does that mean?”
“We talk, but mostly we hold each other. Usually, we fall asleep.”
Curling my cold lips between my teeth, I nodded slowly.
“Jesus, Evie … I know this hurts. And I should have told you when it first happened. I loved the high. I loved the husband and father I was after seeing her.”
“You saw her yesterday.”
His eyes reddened as he returned a barely detectable nod. Why? Why did yesterday make him emotional but the rest of his confession did not?
I deserved to know the truth. The entire truth. Yet asking for it felt like confessing my lack of trust in him. And I couldn’t forget how much it hurt him when I questioned his fidelity with Adrianne. If he didn’t cross the line with a whore, how could I question him about Lila—my best friend?
Had I not suggested we go skiing to make up for how I’d treated Graham, Lila wouldn’t have fallen off that mountain. Ronin wouldn’t have saved her life. And they wouldn’t have made a connection I couldn’t understand. How could I be mad about something I created?
Still … I needed to know. Not knowing for sure would destroy me. It would destroy us.
“You only—”
“Mom?” Franz called in a sleepy voice.
I turned, dragging my heavy heart toward the front door. “Morning, sweetie. You’re up early.” Mrs. Humphrey and I herded Franz back into the house. Ronin followed a few minutes later. The rest of our morning fell back into routine. Anya’s fever broke. Franz fought with Ronin over what he was going to wear to school. And Mrs. Humphrey vomited some bile and one of Anya’s socks.
There was never the perfect time to let our marriage fall apart, to stop swimming against the current, to forget about responsibilities in life that didn’t care if your husband had an affair.
While I was changing Anya’s diaper, the door shut. By the time I put on her clothes for the day, Ronin’s car was gone. He and Franz left with no goodbye.
“Have a good day,” I whispered to the empty spot in the garage.
When I arrived at my shop, I called Lila. She didn’t answer. I sent her a message.
Evelyn: Can we talk soon?
She didn’t reply.
“How’s Anya?” Sophie asked the second she walked through the door, wearing her signature youthful smile.
“Better. Her fever broke.” I unlocked the register drawer.
“You excited for your trip? I think hiring Abby was a good idea.”
“Yeah. The kids will love spending time with my dad and Katie.”
“Maybe you and Ronin can have a date night with such willing babysitters.”