Knock. Knock.
“Yes?” I slam my journal shut with two blank pages left. I’ll add THE END later.
Mom cracks open the door and pokes her head inside. “You sneaked in without saying anything.”
“Nothing to say. And it’s late. Didn’t figure you’d still be awake.”
“You had a date tonight. There has to be something to say.”
“What do you want to know?” I crawl into bed, knowing there is a good chance I might fall asleep during her interrogation.
She sits on the end of my bed. “Did you have a good time?” Her questions sound generic, but my answers rarely are.
“Yes. He was so easy to talk to. It was like talking to you and Dad. And he ate my kind of pizza and ordered a large.”
“That’s great. So there might be another real date?”
I sigh. “I don’t know. I mean … well, it’s just hard to say. He doesn’t function like most guys I’ve dated. I’ve been able to do the same thing and get the same results. Not with Dr. Hawkins. It’s like he plays with rules from a different rule book. Ya know? But I really like him, so I’d like to see his rule book. Would it be really weird if I asked Dr. Hathaway?”
Mom grimaces. “I’m inclined to say yes, but you said it’s been a long time since she left him. So I suppose it depends on what you want to ask her.”
“I want to ask her about his … preferences.”
“What kind of preferences? Foods? Activities? Sports? I’m not following.”
“Gah! You just don’t get it. Sex, Mom! I want to know what does it for him.” I throw my arm over my face, half from frustration, half from embarrassment because the moment I said it, her mouth fell agape. Why does she have to react like I’m a little girl?
“I’m just …” She stutters.
“Just go.” I turn onto my stomach and bury my face into my pillow.
“Dorothy, I’m not mad. I just wasn’t expecting you to say that.”
“Oh … wow.” I lift my head to speak but keep my gaze on my headboard. “Thanks for not being mad that your thirty-year-old daughter is sexually active.”
Is? Was? Can I say I’m sexually active if no sex is involved?
Truth. I’m actively seeking sex with Dr. Hawkins. That counts. Right?
I almost lost my virginity at twenty-three to a guy who was also a virgin. He thought he was inside of me. I thought he was in the vicinity. His cock slid between my folds, quite vigorously, and I kept waiting for it to take a sharp turn into the first hole. It never did.
When it was over, he asked if it was good for me. I said yes. And it wasn’t a lie. That kind of almost-but-not-really sex involved constant clitoral stimulation. I orgasmed. Twice actually. However, the partial lie ate at my conscience for a week, so I texted him:
Me: Hi. U didn’t find the hole. Just FYI for future reference. I still enjoyed it. Good luck on your finals! BTW Charlie’s food truck has peanut butter fudge today. (tongue-licking emoji)
“Dorothy, I’m not mad. Just surprised. You told me last month that sex was overrated, messy, and mentally exhausting. Now you’re thinking of asking a man’s ex-wife about his sexual preferences. So, take a breath, baby girl. I’m just surprised, but also happy for you. The fact that you want intimacy with him is good. Right?”
I flip around again to look at her. “Sex. Not intimacy. I just like hanging out with him. He gets me … I think. We like the same foods. We work together. We both love exercising. I mean … we follow each other’s rings now. I love that. It’s the greatest motivation. And he’s competitive too. But the sex is just getting in the way. I know he wants it. I just don’t know how he wants it. And yes, most of the time I don’t think I want sex because it usually is overrated, messy, and exhausting. But when Dr. Hawkins kisses me, I feel like the messy exhaustion could be worth it.”
Mom grimaces again. “I’m not sure what to say. Maybe you can ask him. That’s what all the experts say. Right? I mean, your dad and I don’t—”
“LALALALA …” I pinch my eyes shut and plug my ears. “I don’t want to hear this!”
I open my eyes when she kisses my forehead. “Understood. Truth be known, I don’t like to talk about sex with your dad either. You’ll figure things out with Dr. Hawkins. Stressing over the sex at this point might not be the best thing for a relationship in the early stages.” She winks and leaves my bedroom.
After trying and failing for hours to get to sleep, I text Dr. Hawkins.
Me: I should have purchased the Q7, huh?
It’s not that I expect him to answer, after all, it’s after one in the morning. I just need to find a way to figure out the sex thing. And not because I want it all the time. I simply want to be good at it in his eyes.