All the Way

He kissed her temple, stroked her hair, rocking her gently. “I didn’t know.

Jesus, please forgive me, I didn’t know.”

She let him hold her until the last of the anger dissipated. He was finally here, back in her arms. All of those fantasies night after night of him coming back and stating he made a terrible mistake finally came true.

When he released her, tear tracks streaked his cheeks. She wiped them away with her fingers, but when he looked into her eyes, a cold, hard ball of lead settled in the pit of her stomach. She glimpsed grief. Pain. Regret.

The worst was the grim resolution on his face.

“I understand now,” he said.

Panic nipped at her and she suddenly realized her confession had broken something fragile between them.

“No wonder you’ve changed. I left you all alone to deal with a baby, and treated you like someone disposable.” A choking sound came from his throat. “All this time I thought you were too afraid to open yourself up.

But how could you ever trust me again? I abandoned you.”

She stepped toward him.

“No, Gavin, it’s not like that.” Self-disgust curled his sensual lips.

She watched as her lover drifted further away, caught up in a raw guilt she didn’t know how to heal. “Please listen to me.

I don’t blame you anymore. It was my choice not to track you down. My choice to keep the baby and do it alone. I never gave you an opportunity to take any action, and that’s not your fault.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t give you a chance to tell me. I only cared about myself.

My dreams.

I walked away from something good and pure.

I thought I could win you back.

Prove myself.

Instead, I dredged up the past and hurt you even more.

I’m so stupid.”

Moisture shown in his eyes and he blinked it away. “I was sure I’d convince you to go with me. I had this fucking happy-ever-after ending in my head, where I tell you I love you, and you jump on the plane.”

He loved her. Did she believe it was enough this time? Why was the image of following him suddenly so vivid? Why did it fill her up with raw need instead of scorn? Reality twisted before her until she didn’t know her true North anymore.

A dozen responses stuck in her throat. Her feet froze to the floor.

He drew himself up to full height. Determination and resolve flickered in those aqua blue eyes. Her heart thrummed madly in her chest.

“I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for what I did to you. God knows, I understand why you can’t. But I love you. I will do anything you need to prove myself and make up for the past. I won’t leave you again.”

Her palms grew damp.

The breath came choppy from her throat. “You only have a few weeks left.”

“I’ll stay.”

The words tore her flesh like bullets. She squeezed her eyes shut in pure agony. He’d stay. For her.

But at what sacrifice? So he could resent her forever for not going after his real dream? For trapping him into a relationship because of his guilt over the baby? No, not like this. “I don’t want you to stay,” she forced out.

“Then I’ll take you with me. We’ll work it out. All you have to do is take a leap of faith. I swear to God, Miranda, I’ll never give you another reason to distrust me again.”

Silence fell. He waited for her answer and she clenched her fingers into fists. She was close. So close to jumping in his arms and taking another chance. They’d make the relationship work somehow. He wouldn’t hurt her again. Wouldn’t leave her behind.

Her mother left for the bottle.

Gavin left for his career.

Eventually, didn’t everyone leave her behind? And what type of life could they possibly have together? Days spent alone in some strange hotel overseas. Waiting for him to get home and entertain her. Waiting for the day he realized it wasn’t going to work and left her again.

No. She wasn’t ready to trust him with her soul.

Maybe she’d never be able to get there again.

Her lack of response gave him the answer. He pushed his hands through his hair and bowed his head. “You’re never going to trust me again, are you?”

Her eyes remained mercilessly dry, though the tears wept for release. “I’m so sorry, Gavin. I can’t do this.”

Emotion ravaged his face. Slowly, he nodded and fumbled for the door.

“I’ll let you go. I can’t fight for both of us, not if you don’t want to try. And I’m sorry, too. For everything.”

He shut the door behind him.

Miranda stood alone in the living room, in silence.

Alone. She slumped down to the ground as her muscles lost all their function and buried her face in her hands. For the first time in years, she let herself feel the storm of emotions wreck her. This time, she surrendered.

She cried nonstop—for herself, for Gavin, and for what could have been.

… The knock on the door barely registered, so she ignored it.

Miranda snuggled under her blanket and stared sightlessly at the television. Since most of the soap operas had been canceled, her choices were weepy Lifetime movies or talk shows.

A reality star celebrity chirpily chatted about the latest gossip so she decided to take a nap.

Again.

The pounding grew louder. She groaned and raised her head.

“Go away!”

“Miranda, open the door.

Now.”

She cursed under her breath, yanked the blanket away, and stumbled to the door. “I’m sick, Andy. You shouldn’t come in.”

“Open the door.”

She released the chain and let him in. His eyes widened when he caught sight of her appearance.

She wondered briefly how bad it had gotten. Pretty bad, if the look on his face was any indication.

Miranda ignored it and climbed back to her new home on the couch.

“What the hell is going on? You won’t answer your cell, you haven’t been to work, and you look like something that crawled out of the swamp.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“Ah, geez, and you smell.” He glanced around the cluttered apartment, where the remote lay amidst empty bags of potato chips, half eaten Ben & Jerry’s ice cream pints, and an array of wine bottles.

“Gross, you’ve been on the break-up diet.

What happened with Gavin? I can’t believe you didn’t call me.”

She let out a humorless laugh. “I told him the truth.

And he did the honorable thing, of course. He left me. Again.”

Andy crinkled his brow.

“Back up. You’re gonna have to fill me in.”

Odd, now the secret she’d lived with for so long felt natural to share.

“Three years ago, after he left me, I found out I was pregnant.”

“Holy shit.” He sat down on the edge of the chair.

“Tell me everything.”

She did. The story spilled out, and another scab formed over the wound.

Funny, she’d never thought sharing her hurt could help her heal, but she felt freer than ever before.

He listened, sometimes wincing, but completely supportive and open.

“What was Gavin’s reaction?” he finally asked.

“He wanted another chance. Asked me to try and trust him again. Said he’d never leave. But I know the truth, Andy. I’ll be left behind. I always am.”

Andy cocked his head.

“How do you know?”

She peered at him from under the blanket. “I just know. I’m not following him to Europe, and I won’t turn him into a martyr. He’d eventually end up hating me and leaving anyway.”

She wrinkled her nose. “It’s a mess. We’re a mess.

First I wanted nothing to do with him. Then I thought if we had sex, I’d get him out of my system.

Then I realized I’m still in love with him.”

“Nothing like a woman who knows her own mind.”

She glowered. “I need to move forward with my life.

Live on my own terms and leave the past behind.”

“Huh, seems to me you’re doing the opposite.

Running away from your true feelings because you’re too afraid. Gavin loves you and wants to stay. You’re not letting him choose at all. You already set him up to leave you again and break your heart. Maybe it’s time you took a good look at what you really want, and then have enough guts to go after it.”

What did she want? How had her motives gotten so screwed up? First, she’d just wanted him to leave her alone.

Then she craved revenge. Moved on to sex. And now she wanted… Everything.

Her friend’s words stirred up all the pain like a witch’s brew gone bad. No, this was for the best. Every time she tried to break through the barrier, the knowledge he’d never tried to contact her burned in her gut.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Andy.

I’m tired.”

He let out a frustrated breath and glared. “That’s because you’re sleeping twenty hours a day. Look, I’ll cover you for one more.

Then your ass better be back to work writing a column. Got it?”

“Sure. How’s Stephen? I called Elaine before and she said everything was fine. Just the stitches and a few bruises.”

“Yeah, the little devil is back to his normal mischief. The doctor said get used to the ER, since the kid almost crawled out of the hospital bed to climb the dresser to get to the balloons.”

She smiled. “I’ll come visit this weekend.”

“Only if you shower first.”

“Deal.”

He shook his head and left. The evening dragged by, and she got caught up in old movies. She settled o n The Joker’s Wild, enjoying Sinatra’s character and thinking about Gavin’s father.

Soon, she was wrapped up in the push and pull of their relationship, building toward the big ending where Frank crooned the classic, All The Way , and lost the girl. Unbelievably, tears pricked her lids, threatening to escape. If only love was easy, where a song or a love letter made things magically— Letters.

She sat up and flung back the blanket. Heart slamming against her chest, she walked into the kitchen and removed the stack of letters from the drawer.

She pulled out the envelopes and her fingers trembled. One by one, she removed the letters and read every word, smoothing out the crinkled paper, trapped in the world Gavin inhabited during those years apart. Lines of verse blurred into one another.

A bright, orange moon hangs over the skyline in Florence, and I’m thinking of you… Calcutta has shown me another side to myself. I see the poverty in the streets, the begging for food, the smell of death.

Yet, I also see joy in the children who have nothing, and never question their place in this world. I wonder, my love, if I ever really knew what was important. If perhaps my journeys have led me here… I turned a street corner in Paris and caught your scent, but when I looked for you, there was only an empty roadway… Why can’t I get rid of this hole in my gut? I finally got everything I ever wanted, and now I realize how empty it is without you… without my family. Have I made the biggest mistake of my life? Is it too late for me? How could I have been so wrong about the only goal I ever had… With trembling hands, Miranda laid the letters on the table. The postmarks and smeared ink reflected a journey of the man she thought she knew. If she fought past the crippling fear of being hurt, could they have a chance at something precious? The future was uncertain. He may go back to his career and leave her behind again. They weren’t the same people any longer— their younger, more innocent selves.